GG, I'm sorry that you are here, but you are among some of the most wonderful people who will be here for you. There is always someone around, so please feel free to come here to chat, vent, etc.
Your h may not have had a physical affair, but he could very well have had an emotional one w/the niece. I have to say a red flag went up w/me as well after reading she had left her h.
Sounds like your h has a lot of issues to deal w, i.e., childhood issues, death of friend, etc., and you are right, you can't fix him. He has to do it himself. Drinking is not helping him, but to him, it chases the demons away for a short period of time. Self-medicating is done a lot by the mlcers and your h is turning 40 as well. Counseling will not help him until he's ready to listen and face his demons.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings? They would help you better understand how to deal w/your h. Although, I do think, from your posting, you've already got a good head start on detaching and taking care of you.
I know it's difficult, but you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Be sure to protect your assets and financial information. Have you set up a separate checking/savings account for yourself? You may want to do this. What about joint credit cards? You will need to do the same thing w/them. While he is in crisis mode, he very well may be spending money like water and you do not want to end up w/his debt while he's out on the street.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
