A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

Just dropping in to put some thoughts down so they are here for me to cone back and re-read in the future.

I have been thinking a lot about the dynamics of our R and the few reasons for H unhappiness I have been able to squeeze out of him...months ago, in the beginning when we went to MC a few times. I look back at MC now and see it was never really going to be successful at that time. H is dealing with who knows want and told me then that "MC won't change anything for me but itight help me find the words to tell you why I need to leave". I had an interesting conversation a few weeks back, he caught me at a bad time and I told him I was upset coz I still didn't know what had happened. He replied that we have talked all about this. We haven't, he's never opened up, but I really think he has had major conversations in his head, lots of thinking. I guess that is s good thing.

Anyway, so I've thought about the old me in our old R and I can see lots of areas to change and improve. It's been an eye opening exercise, I have had to stop myself from getting too despondent and guilty. I can see I wasn't always great to be around. There is some truth in the issues he raised. So now I am thinki ng about 180s and boy do I have some work ahead of me. It's very daunting but also gives a focus.

So I have done the DR thing and set some baby goals
1. Be a pleasant, cheerful, upbeat friend. Interested and interesting
2. Avoid initiating contact, say goodbye first, create some mystery about me
3. Validate. Speak softly. Listen.
4. Write in my gratitude journal daily (started)
5. Start reading again (joined a book club)
6. Healthy diet and exercise. (Started)

The first three are the hardest. I will know I am making progress when:
1. He can look me in the eye when he speaks to me
2.he initiates contact for other than necessary for the children
3. He starts to have conversations rather than hi/small talk/bye

So baby goals and how to measure success are out there.
I am not sure how to do some eg adding mystery.
Also validating sometimes feels artificial

But have to start somewhere...