Here's my sit.uation...11 yrs married to wife. we made covenant for u.nc.onditional l.ove. i loved that w.arrior p.rincess. o.ur r.elationship was built on trust. we were the best of friends before we even started dating so it was like a dream come true. for those that know Meyers-Briggs, i am an ENFP and she is an INFJ.
when we first got married, we were offered to live with her parents rent-free while we attended college full-time. we graduated in 5 years. after we graduated, we slowly started working and trying to get out on our own. at the same time the W finds out she is expecting. we knew we needed to move from the in-laws. she was even open to an apartment, but i was determined to own a home. before we moved, we had our daughter and stayed with the in-laws 1 more year (my parents are deceased btw).
we were living in our new home for about a year and then i lost my job. horrible. the only thing i could find was for a great company, but very far away. i was working over 50 miles one way from home, we were operating with 1 car, we were broke, i neglected basics, was depressed, emotionally unavailable...for years! bad, bad, bad. it was at that time that things started really deteriorating in our relationship. as far as l.ove l.anguages, i knew that she liked q.uality t.ime, but i didn't realize until recently how a.cts o.f s.ervice were so big, especially if they are simply the basics. i was also not giving her w.ords o.f a.ffirmation for her dream-casting, which she did a lot. she was always asking for p.hysical t.ouch. she would ask for a massage, i would complain and avoid it. ironically, we both agreed that the s life was wonderful, always seeking harmony.
as time went on, her WOA were low compared to her scathing criticism, which i responded to with defensiveness and stonewalling. we knew something had to change. she wanted to pursue her dreams. we found a way to short sell our house, me transfer within the company, and move to KY so she could get closer to her dreams. i knew that when we moved to KY our marriage should be our top priority. it wasn't until after we moved to KY that things came to a head. within one month, i got encephalitis and was in the hospital for a week, her grandmother died, and we had a spat that resulted in a broken tv and thoughts of dying. i didn't realize it at first, but something had really changed for her. i felt it.........classic, classic w.alk-a.way w.ife
we started seeing a marriage counselor. we both agreed...she was horrible! worst yet, my wife said it only stirred up her negative feelings. she had developed a dominantly negative mental attitude. nearly a month later i heard the classic i love you but not in love with you. it wasn't until later that she just flat out said she wanted to separate with an aim for the big d. i was a deer in the headlights...shocked, beside myself, never imagined. when she first told me all of this, i told her that she would have to move out; that separation was her idea and that it would have to be financially equitable.
it wasn't until a couple weeks later that i was made aware of a predominantly one-way e.motional a.ffair (emotional mastr?). she was sending my boss emails, almost daily for 4 months. she had met him one time in the parking lot and she fell in love (felt a connection, pheromonal). she found his email on my computer. predominantly journaling to an imaginary friend, with tinges of sexuality and flirtation. i later found out that through all of it, he would rarely respond, but when he did, it was always telling her to stop. to her, he was being "so appropriate" and just letting her talk, almost like he was a "friend." it wasn't until she paid to find his address and showed up for a f.ace to f.ace. that she really freaked him out and he finally told me. i confronted her about it and she admitted to it and conveyed that she had fallen in love with him. he gave me a copy of the months of emails (over 400) and has since forwarded me mostly anything new. she was basically stalking this guy. that was devastating, but not nearly as much as the nagging pain that i had been partly responsible for my marriage falling apart and had obviously caused my best friend a great deal of pain and failed to be a true friend.
regarding reconciliation, she says she won't be able to truly make her mind up until she is financially independent and able to move out on her own. i was thinking about helping to build her a microhome, so she would always have a place. she is an introvert, and craves time alone, in her own space. i have shifted around my schedule to give her a real increased amount of free time. for a while, i've been her only friend, so unfortunately all my empathy was going to trying to understand her love for ano.ther g.uy. she has remained obsessed about her a.lmost o.ther m.an, but is saying lately that she is letting it go. her desire to separate remains though. she is willing to go see a Gottman therapist and thinks there is a possibility that she could be persuaded to love me again, but it is up to me to "change her perception of reality." she says she couldn't stay married to me unless she fell in love with me again. i can't exactly figure out where WE are in the spectrum of progress.
this whole time i have gone through big ups and downs of pursuing her and i feel she is simply keeping me at a distance, but throwing me something every now and then to keep me coming back. i have debated l.ast r.esort t.echniques, but given our current living conditions i couldn't g.o completely d.ark. our state doesn't allow divorce until the couple has been physically separated for a year. we are in a holding pattern right now, still sleeping in the same bed, still snuggling. we both have h.igh d.esire when it comes to the bedroom and this is a weak point for me pursuing. we've fooled around, but i told her i didn't want to m.ake l.ove with someone who didn't love me. she enjoys massages. i used to hate giving them, but of course now i love it. she likes physical touch. this is hard for me. i feel i'm being co-dependent here.
all that being said, i'm simply trying to g.et a. l.ife and start just being me again. i hold onto God and who he has made me. i guess i'm DB'n and DR'n at the same time? at this point, i'm thinking i will just start better tracking what is effective and what is not and do 180s. i try to maintain levels of attentiveness, mindfulness, and empathy, while trying to stay cool, calm, collected and confident (yet humble). i am determined to live my h.appily e.ver a.fter
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise. Most of us lose weight after BD.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
for those that know Meyers-Briggs, i am an ENFP and she is an INFJ.
Interesting, I'm also an ENFP. It's a pretty unusual combo, I don't think I've run across another since I took the M-B class many years ago.
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i neglected basics, was depressed, emotionally unavailable...for years! bad, bad, bad.
Have you done a 180 on this or is it still an issue?
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as far as l.ove l.anguages, i knew that she liked q.uality t.ime, but i didn't realize until recently how a.cts o.f s.ervice were so big,
Sounds like you've read 5LL, so that's good. Have you implemented the tips you read in it?
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i later found out that through all of it, he would rarely respond, but when he did, it was always telling her to stop.
Wow, I've read a lot of odd things on these forums but this is truly bizarre. I've never heard of someone meeting a person once and then barraging them with emails even after being told to stop. I don't even know what to say to that. Has your W gone through IC?
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he gave me a copy of the months of emails (over 400) and has since forwarded me mostly anything new. she was basically stalking this guy.
Unbelievable!!
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thinks there is a possibility that she could be persuaded to love me again, but it is up to me to "change her perception of reality." she says she couldn't stay married to me unless she fell in love with me again. i can't exactly figure out where WE are in the spectrum of progress.
Have you read DR? Basically what she's asking for is what the DB approach delivers- change yourself and make yourself into the spouse that only a fool would leave. But it takes time, LOTS of time. You're asking about progress, but it's much too soon for that. It'll be months before you start seeing positive signs.
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this whole time i have gone through big ups and downs of pursuing her and i feel she is simply keeping me at a distance
That's usually how the distance/ pursuit dynamic works. You pursue, she distances. That's why you've got to pull back.
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all that being said, i'm simply trying to g.et a. l.ife and start just being me again.
Good. Try to remember who you were when the two of you started dating and get back in touch with that person.
Have you done a 180 on this or is it still an issue?
much, much better, but still at it. now i'm starting to really measure success.
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Have you implemented the tips you read in it?
yes, same as above
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Wow, I've read a lot of odd things on these forums but this is truly bizarre. I've never heard of someone meeting a person once and then barraging them with emails even after being told to stop. I don't even know what to say to that. Has your W gone through IC?
yeah, never heard of this before either. to tell you the truth, she's actually proud of it; thinks she "schemed" it all up in her head...."after all, what were really the chances that your boss would respond." by him NOT responding and waiting 2 months to tell me, she interprets this as friendship and very much has more of a "we" attitude with him than with me.
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Have you read DR?
reading it now.
thank you for responding. things aren't much better. she's still sending him mails, but i've resorted to trying to ignore it.
i'm curious if my sit is unique, but at the same time, see if i can find mutual support from H/W where the W/H are still at home and possibly in an EA.....i'm going to retell a little bit now....
i had lost my job. had to find work far, far away (53 miles one way). grueling and demanding job, but the rewards are easy advancement opportunity in a great company. i neglected basics around the home and i neglected basics around my relationship with my wife. i was a pretty good dad, but she bore most of the planning and i tended to be the one to help execute. regardless, the consistent time of a grueling workload, ONE car, financial mismanagement, and the throws of the 2nd child stacked us up against some sizable circumstances.....throw in some fiercly independent minds......the accumulation of years of conversations tainted with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (the 4 horsemen) had left us both very raw. many conversations would start harshly and unfortunately, most conversations end with the same tone they start with. when i would get hurt, i would get flooded and retreat or tune out; i hunkered down and believed things would get better, "it was only our current circumstances" i would tell myself. we would reach back out to one another and make repair attempts, but i think that became more difficult to do. finally, her bad memories of "us" stacked up against our positive ones and her negative sentiment override has taken over.
i've got my own story to all of this, but this is some of the basic information she has communicated to me.....the intimacy and tender care to our romance was non-existent and even the friendship factor had it's faltering moments. she lost respect for me, as a husband, as a protector, as a leader. i was only a mediocre friend. she had limited herself, holding herself back, by being so co-dependent and looking to me for direction and leadership she was not getting (ouch). i was offering no safety, no security, no sense of vision. she had a fear of success. she saw our marital problems as severe, talking had become useless, loneliness was a constant companion, and she had started to picture what a parallel life might look like.
she officially "checked out" when we moved her to KY. i got sick and Granny died at the same time. i was so sick and she was taking care of me and mourning the death of her Grandmother very strongly. when i got out of the hospital, she was so tired and so was i. the day i got out of the hospital, i laid on the couch and had the TV on. she wanted me to turn it off. i felt like it was helping me to relax and rest. she proceeded to destroy it. i reacted very negatively: instead of reaching out to her and sending her to bed, i told her to get out and take a walk. she broke down and has since told me that this was the nail in the coffin. she would never entrust her heart to me again. she didn't tell me, but had made up her mind.
then, things got quiet, seemingly better, but no news didn't mean good news, it meant she had given up and stopped trying to fix our marriage. i didn't know what was going on inside of her, but now realize she had started retreating. even though the overt criticism and arguing had gone down. i did know that things couldn't just magically get better and we'd be best to start counseling together. we started seeing a marriage counselor (albeit not a very good one....that was something we could agree about!). i think the counseling though only served to reminder her of her pain and was a kickstarter for her to gather up enough gumption to tell me she wanted to divorce. i had thought things were getting better. i was devastated. fell apart. pleaded. begged. pursued.
then, weeks later, i had found out she had met someone else when we first moved here. there meeting was brief, but was so strong and memorable to her. she began an infatuation with him and thought she had fallen in love with him. nothing was reciprocal on his side, but he had slowly become the safer and better friend in her mind. he is the one that told me. that is how i found out.
her take now is that, if she could, she would have her own place so she can be alone and get true day-to-day peace. she basically wants to hunker down, become more financially strong and independent. once she is there, she will separate herself and make her final decision about the divorce. in KY, you can't be granted a divorce until you've been physically separated for 1 year. she thinks we can still be great co-parents and even great friends, but the trust that accompanies companionship love is gone.
her latest great plan is one where she is free from me as her husband and living a wildly successful life as a strong woman
