H's MLC started when BF murdered

[GatorGirl]

I have decided that my H is having a MLC. I guess I feel like I need some sort of validation, so here's my story.

H and I have been M for almost 12 years. We have two young kids, S5 and D2. We both work full time, I have a long commute. Since our second child was born, we have been drifting apart (although it took our separation for me to really realize it) but have been happy, or so I foolishly thought.

Everything awful started in April. H's best friend was murdered-shot in the head in his business and found the next morning by his stepfather. Needless to say, it was very unexpected. Heartbreaking-the thought of someone being shot and dying alone is enough to break anyone down emotionally. No leads, no arrests, no closure for family and friends where the murder is concerned. We went to the funeral (in H's hometown) and came home. H was very broken up and spent most evenings on the phone with his BF's family. BF was an only child and was very dear to his niece and cousin who are both around our age and both female. I was there as much as I could be for him but he was constantly on the phone with BF's niece, cousin and mother to help them deal with their emotional distress after the murder. This left him emotionally spent and basically left him so tied up that he was unable to deal with his own grief.

Went back to H's hometown for Memorial Day. We had this trip planned long before his BF was murdered and planned to spend time with his brother and his family (wife and two boys). H spent most of his time at his BF's house with BF's family. I was left with the kids, which wasn't bad except he took our truck with him every time he left to go to BF's house. I had no way of taking the kids anywhere. It didn't occur to him to have me drop him off so I could do things with the kids. I ended up taking a spill down the stairs one evening and bruised my tailbone and was left in considerable pain. He went back to BF's house after I fell and wasn't back the next morning, as his BF's mother got drunk and decided to take her sleeping pill before bed. They had to call an ambulance and spent quite a bit of the night at the hospital. The next day, H wanted to go visit his BF's grave for the first time since the funeral. We had discussed going together on the way up; I thought he could use the emotional support. He ended up telling me he didn't want me there. It was just going to be H, Niece, Cousin and another close friend-the "people that knew BF the best". To add insult to injury, while H was at the cemetery, it became clear to me that S5 had pink eye. It was Memorial Day, we were out of town and the walk-in clinic closed at 5 or 6 pm. I sent him several text messages (while he way lying on his BFs grave bawling from what he tells me, which makes me feel terrible) to ask when he would be back, as I had no way to get the kids around. My BIL and SIL did not have a car big enough for all of us and did not have a car seat/booster seat large enough for S5.

We discussed/argued the horrible weekend several days after coming home. He said he needed my support and that I didn't give it to him. I said if I had known how the weekend was going to go, I would have stayed home with the kids so he could visit with BF's family. I felt as if I had been shut out. He didn't need me to grieve-he needed them. He needed space in my mind. It ended up being the worst decision I could have ever made. I kept my distance and let H have his space.

Several months went by and in August, we had a small argument over something he said to me over dinner. We have never been the fighting type, so this was highly unusual for us. He says he's been unhappy for a long time. I suggest counseling and he agrees. I should also mention that Niece left her husband only maybe a month prior because they had not been intimate for nearly seven years. This sends up red flags all over the place for me but to this day, H insists he is not having an affair with her.

We went to one counseling session and H dropped The Bomb on me 10 days later. I got the whole nine yards-ILYBINILWY, I haven't loved you for years, I've been unhappy for years, etc. Moved out five days after that. When I asked him why, he said I was selfish, he always took care of me and I never took care of him, he had given and given and just couldn't give anymore, every time he stopped 'trying' things fell apart. I heard from mutual friends that he complained of my affinities for Pottery Barn and Disney World, which I think are such garbage. He says he told me that he basically hated both and I never listened to him. I should mention that we both earn very good livings and my 'hobbies' above did not put us into any debt.

Our therapist did tell me that he was in denial, she cautioned him against moving out and going forward with a divorce only 5 months after his friend was killed and said she saw several other red flags in his behavior. That was the last she ever shared about anything dealing with him. He did go to therapy (because I asked him to) for about six weeks. He told me the therapist released him. I mentioned it to her and she said, "therapy is for people that acknowledge they have issues and want to fix them," basically confirming his continued denial about the situation.

H refuses to link his BF's murder and our relationship issues and says they were just "bad timing" and that he's been unhappy "for a long time".

He moved in with his parents for six weeks and got his own place a month ago. No papers have been filed yet. I have mostly just kept my distance except for two weeks ago when one of our dogs died. I stupidly asked him why we couldn't work it out and that was the WORST thing I could have done. I will NOT do that again-it was foolish and weak.

I am moving on as best I can. I see him nearly every day because of the children. I cannot fix him, I cannot save him, I cannot change him. Those are things he has to do for himself. He is clearly desperately unhappy and blames it all on our marriage but I think he was so busy helping his BF's family immediately after the murder that he did not have a chance to work through his own grief. He is an internalizer and basically spent the time I thought was "giving him space" to grieve to mourn not his BF but our marriage (or so he says).

I should mention that everyone that knows us has been totally shocked at the news and says how out of character this is for H. I have to confess that in the last few days, I have been wondering how in the world things could ever possibly work out, but I have a very strong faith and have been clinging to the advice given in Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."

After reading some of the MLC threads on the site, I should mention that H was adopted; his parents told him at age 9. They had his brother two years after they brought him home. His brother is their natural child (it took them 13 years to have my BIL). He has never sought his birth family. His information is out there in case they go looking for him but he has never gone looking for them. Also, he has fibromyalgia, a propensity for joint problems and IMHO has chronic depression which he has taken meds for on and off throughout our relationship. He has a love affair with alcohol and used to drink after I went to bed. I discovered him doing this several times throughout our relationship (and I'm sure there were many more I never discovered). I think he is an alcoholic because he drinks alone, hides it from me and gets angry when I mention him drinking to excess. He will also be 40 in February. For some reason, this information seems important to tell you.

For those of you that are still with me after this novel, thoughts? There's still more to the story but I've already posted so much...