H and I still plug along, still married, and on the surface we are good. We have not truly fixed our problems, and my stubborn cowboy is still proud and stubborn. I love him, and I know I put up with too much.
I have talked about the financial fiasco H got himself (us) in, and he is tired of being tied to so much debt. He is finally talking about searching for options to refinance or consolidate and reduce all his payments to something affordable. Our finances have been separated for a number of years, and his debt is his debt, and I basically pay everything else and he lives here free.
I ask about us and a future, his standard answer is he has no plans other than to stick around. What a romantic guy!
Tonight I dug a little deeper and asked if he was upset with life or upset with me, if he was happy with us and our M. He said he is upset about everything but not at me. He feels like a failure, everything he does is not enough, he wants dental work and to see a doctor but feels like he cannot afford that, he has recently learned that most of his male relatives are battling cancer or have died of cancer. I carry health insurance and have added back dental insurance that will begin in the new year. Yes the deductible is outrageous thanks to all the health care changes, but I told H he cannot afford NOT to go to the doctor and dentist.
My H is really a very smart man, but sometimes I think he is so busy playing the angles that he doesn't just do enough to get the work done.
Now my challenge is to figure out how to help him, support him emotionally, feed him information to eliminate debt, and not turn him against me for trying to solve his problems.
I have never seen H be so upset with himself and talk about being such a failure. This is new for me to deal with, and I am traveling in new territory. I am a bit scared when I hear him talk like this, he is just plum fed up with life.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
