Think it is a mid life crisis - thoughts, advice?

[Lovemyfamily]

Another night with H at the house, I went to dinner with some friends and he kept D. But another night full of compliments, him helping do things at the house, and oh, as I was leaving I told him by then went to give D hugs, he comes over b/c he needs hugs and kisses too. I had the feeling when he was getting ready to leave for the night that he wanted to stay but I didn't offer. He had to come back first thing this morning to take D to daycare (side note - this is costing us A LOT in gas money!)

He also invited me to a birthday party for some of his family Saturday. But still has not answered about the work party Saturday evening. And I'm not going to ask - I have a sitter and am going even if he doesn't.

The rest of this week should be interesting as there is no planned reason for him to come over.

I am meeting with my new counselor tomorrow. She is a Christian based counselor.

Sometimes I jsut want to yell at H to stop this madness and come home but I know it would do no good. And sometimes I wonder if he's just waiting for me to bring it up and ask again - but last time I just got my feelings hurt more. So guess I will stay on this coaster.

[mizjjd]

Hey LMF!

Just perusing your thread because you stopped by mine for a piece of cake.

Sorry you find yourself in this sitch. Absolutely no fun. BUT this board is GREAT and can be a big help to you.

I am too new to offer too much advice.... but from what I've read, determining "MLC" or other crisis is best done by the LBS or perhaps a trained counselor. But MLC is not formally recognized as "real" so some counselors may give the idea little attention.

Regardless of the label, hang in there cause this is one wild ride.

IF it is MLC, beware too many relationship discussions. EVEN IF THE WAS/MLCer seems calm and lucid and rational. They can put on masks, make us think we're actually connecting, but we're not.
Let HIM talk, keep your responses to a minimum.

Hope it gets easier for you!!

- Have to run.

[Grace_O]

(side note - this is costing us A LOT in gas money!)

It can be tempting to make him an offer to stay because of the expense. Be aware that no matter how you ratioanlize it, it isn't about the gas and you can wind up setting yourself up.

I have a sitter and am going even if he doesn't.

Good. It will do you good to get out and have some grown up fun.

You're right, telling him to come home won't help.

So, how did it go with the new C?

HUGS

[Lovemyfamily]

I think the new counselor will be helpful. She is not familiar with DB, I haven't been able to find any around here that are. Mostly today we just got thru background. She doesn't really say MLC either way but did say it sounds like he needs to grow up lol. But she understands that I really want to work this out and that who he was recently when he left is really not the real him. She basically told me for now it sounds like I should keep doing what I am doing and should not invite him to move back, give him more time to figure this all out on his own. I think she was surprised that I had put up with this much already, as far as contact with other women etc. I see her again on the 31. She would eventually like to get him to come when we get closer to him moving back. We will see.

Stil no answer on the party, and I'm not asking. Still planning to go!

Hope you are having a good night and hugs to you!

[Lovemyfamily]

I have got to get a handle on boundaries or something. Not sure if he is just looking for a fight sometimes, he knows how to press my buttons.

So the Christmas party - Friday he writes and says his gig got cancelled for Saturday. No reason to tell me this really, so thought maybe he was hinting around about the party. So I tell him I have a sitter if he wants to go. He wants to know who the sitter is b/c he would rather hang out with D (b/c he is father of the year here lately...right). Told him my parents and he said 'so that's final?' I said no, just answering your questions but I ddi think it would be rude tochange plans the night before. He agrees (another one of those times that he gets all cranky about something and once I explain he's like, oh, that makes sense). So still doesn't give me an answer. Ends up spending the night here Friday (some of this I think is b/c he is scared I'm going to find someone else to help with my 35 y.o. woman needs lol) We have a good morning then head to the birthday party. When we are finally about there I said so what about the party tonight. He says oh, I forgot I have a band meeting tonight. That is such a load of BS - he planned it yesterday, no doubt. I got a little miffed and said guess I'm still at the bottom of all of your lists. Yes, should have kept my mouth shut, but why drag me on! I swear he does this on purpose just to tick me off.
He texted last night while I was at the party and said if I had too much to drink and needed a ride to call. I just said I'm fine, thx. Because I really was, was actually getting ready to head home and only had a couple drinks and a big dinner. He gives me a sarcastic 'I'm sure you are' and then without a reply from me 'so much for trying to be nice' What?!! What it comes down to again is that he wanted to end up here, and frankly I'm tired of being a 'booty call' to my own husband. If I'm not good enough to be seen with in public besides some family functions and breakfast/shopping, little stuff, then why am I good enough for you to come over here and do that with. Argh. I'm just frustrated.
Today he is off getting tattoos. Very important. And there are car parts showing up as well. But what makes all that better is that Friday I went Christmas shopping and we were text chatting, he was in the same area for work, and when I said I was at a shoe store he goes 'oh,it's nice that you can buy shoes when all I spend money on is food to eat' OMG. I about lost it. Does he really pay attention to how he sounds?!! Ridiculous. He says he has some money from those gigs and cashed in a vacation day but that doesn't cover all he is buying. Not to mention I used a lot of 'our' money to buy Christmas and it's a time of year where we need to spend extra in general - maybe he could use some of that money for D's Christmas - or all the stuff I bought for his family.
So maybe I'm back pedaling a bit. I don't know. I haven't contacted him since last night and don't plan to. Let him wonder what i'm up to. And I'm sure he will be wondering if his 'friend' that I work with was at the party. Surprised he hasn't asked. But he wasn't there, did text me and tell me he wasn't coming. Which I'm sure I will hear about that too.
Sorry this was kind of long, just needed to get it all out. And it's hard to not text him. I miss him being here. And while I am ticked about the money spent on a tattoo, I am excited for him, he's wanted them for a long time, but I don't want to give him validation that I think it's ok to spend the money right now.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend

[Lovemyfamily]

So today I am an aweful person. Know why? Because I bought Christmas for my daughter without consulting H. Seriously, you shold see the barage of text messages about how awful I am. I tried to end it with 'I'm sorry you feel I was rude' but he could neave it at that and had to tell me it wasn't jsut that he felt that way, it's that I was.
Now, what really started all of it was that he wanted to know if there was money in the account to cover some car parts for a few days - there isn't. Because I did all of the Christmas shopping Friday, mine and his families. And he knew I was doing this, and we discussed what to get for his family.
He had mentioned a few things for D and I figured he was going to get these items, with our joint account. I never said not to and ever said that what I got her was all she was getting. And it isn't my fault that today there is not money in the acount - according to my budget there should be over $200 in there - but he spent more and there's not.

He sure can blow things out of proportion. Even said I was hearltess and I needed stop being an engineer and use my heart. What?

I know - I should not let this get to me so much but it does! He acts like I'm going around blowing money, which isn't the case. He's the one getting tattoos, car parts, etc - which part is from some gig money, but maybe he could use a little of it on Christmas?

He just rants in big circles, all of which lead back to all being my fault. I have tried and tried to get him to look at the budget with me but he won't. Twice that I can remember since we have been married. I don't want all of that responsibility but someone has to do it.

Ugh. Why should I have to cry and feel bad because I bought Christmas presents for my daughter? Ah, Merry Christmas. Oh, and I'm not getting a gift now since there is no money in the account. Told him I didn't expect anything anyway.

Thanks for listening to my whining today.....

[Lovemyfamily]

This is why I'm half crazy these days - last night H came to watch little one for awhile. When she went to bed I asked him if we could agree to not have disagreements thru texting, he said sure. Then we went thru the entire conversation about Christmas and money again, him still being a little angry, but I think finally udnerstanding my side. In the end of it all he's hugging me saying he's sorry for getting so angry and sending those texts, that I do a great job with the bills, etc. I told him I was sorry if I made him feel left out.

So here's the crazy part - he leaves and sends me texts about the sexy outfits he was picturing me in today. Huh? This wouldn't all be so weird if wihtin the last 6 months I had sent him 'flirting' messages and such and he said he didn't like texting like that anymore - which I knew was complete BS at the time. I digress, I never know which way to go anymore.

He says that I don't communicate enough with him. That he shouldn't have to ask about things, I should just share it. I try to explain a little that I don't want to bother him with these details etc since he moved out, letting him have some space. So it's like - which is it, do you want to be a part of this or you don't?! Because you can't expect to be a part of everything and then live at your parents and enjoy making any plans you want, going everywhere as you please.

Anyone else's spouses go from telling you that you are basically awful and then talk like they want to jump in the sack with you the same day?

[2chiquitos]

I don't know if what I did was the best thing but it worked for me.

There was a time when I gave H ALL the info. Ex. throughout the day I text him what the kids and I were doing. I would call him to let him know our whereabouts, etc.

I did this for a while. Then when I started getting impatient about R I stopped. He totally noticed it but knew it was because I was tired of him still communicating with OW.

So in my case he knew that if he wanted to continue that type of communication with me, then he needed to end it w/ OW.

Mind you, I wasn't one to constantly be texting and calling before the sitch so it was a 180 for me.

Hope this helps in some way.
Take care! and when he sends you sexy outfits ask yourself if it disrupts your serenity or brings you closer to R? Don't think too much about his confusing messages. You'll go crazy trying to solve that puzzle!

[Lovemyfamily]

Thanks, veroprado, for giving me some things to think about. I my case, not contacting him so much is more of my 180, try to let him make contact. But sometimes it just seems to backfire because then he thinks I don't care. So either way, I get that I'm too clingy/needy or that I'm a heartless person that doesn't care.

As far as the sexy outfits and 'relations' lately - honestly, it makes me feel more like my husbands booty call. And that it may not mean as much to him as it does to me, more of the fact that he is comfortable with me and also that he doesn't want me getting it sometwhere else. But I could be way off on all this. As you said, you can't solve their puzzles.

Yesterday I had a big back slide. It started with me asking him if he had plans Saturday night, which of course he does. It really angers me that he can make whatever plans he wants without having any responsiblities. He suggested calling his parents to watch "D" - I just told him that I'd take care of it and to not worry about the plans we had made for Saturday during the day either. I set myself right up for the onslaught of texts then. How I don't need to cop an attitude, and I truly don't get why he left, that I don't own up to my own problems - which lead to since I don't own up that is why none of my friends/family have contacted him. He also mentioned MLC, I don't know who he heard that from, but basically that the problem is all of my issues. He was over last night but neither of us brought up this arguement. My normal reaction to these arguements in the past is to pout, slam doors etc (I know, I know....working on it) but I didn't do that at all. And by this morning I was feeling bad about it still and called to apologize for being a little childish yesterday but also said that we can't let all of these other people have so much bearing on our relationship. He says he understands but then writes that I missed the whole point of why he mentioned other peoples actions. He believes that if I 'owned up' to my issues that all these people would be in touch with him...
I just told him that was something we could discuss in person sometime.

I am still annoyed about the making plans thing though. Tired of taking so much of the responsibility. And also tired of the feeling that I'm only good enough for him when it has to do with me and D, and even then its maybe a night or 2 and a Saturday.

[Lovemyfamily]

Here it is December 21....and we have yet to talk about Christmas plans. Maybe he thought the world would end lol. I've been waiting for him to ring it up, all he mentioned once was about coming over early to watch D open presents. I have plans made, so not like I am expecting anything from him (or that he would be gong along to my family) but I'm sure his family wants to see D too.
He's coming over tonight to work on D's Christmas present with me. And tomorrow we have plans to go to a Christmas lunch and take D to the park. Then he's going out for a friends birthday party at a bar - to which he posted yesterday on fb that they should all 'get so drunk they will need to take cabs'. Funny from the guy who told me last month that he doesn't like beer or bars anymore. And also funny that he has been to a bar or at a friends having beers probably every saturday since he's been gone.

And then there is New Years. I'm sure he will make plans for that as well. My past several New Years have really sucked, might as well continue the tradition.....

What's really been bothering me these days is that he wants me at his family things, wants to spend time with me (and D) at the house or outings on Saturdays - but it's like he only wants to spend time with me in public as 'mom'. And really I guess it's that I need to detach more....but then I still get stuck in the feeling that detaching more is not a good thing for him, and I need the interaction we have too. So I still go on doing things and don't make plans around him, try not be somewhat vague and not so there whenever he texts etc.
Guess I just needed to get this out (again!) Anyone have comments or suggestions? Am I even making sense?