Feel free to ignore some of these posts. I'm just using this venue to document my thought process on this boundary thing.
So I'm trying to distinguish what is an actual appropriate boundary, what is just an ultimatum, etc. And is there a difference when setting a boundary between what someone does and what they don't do? For example, is there a difference in applying boundaries between when someone does act respectful, and when they don't act romantic, for example? In one case, the person is doing something you don't want, in the other, they're not doing something you do want. Does that matter or is it all treated the same?
After my H and I talked about the company function, he asked me what his boundary should be. I couldn't tell him last night because it just wasn't fitting in my head. Plus this is something I'm needing to work on myself so it's a bit of the blind leading the blind.
But I tried to apply it to the little form above, as best I could anyway since I'm not him. Setting: When you:don't go with me to my company function, I feel:neglected, alone, unimportant to you (I really don't know.) I want:you to go with me and be a pleasant companion. Enforcing: if you:don't go with me I will:go alone? go with someone else? stay home? won't go with you to your events? Okay, any of those options are fine with me. It doesn't change anything on my side. if you:will go with me I will:(have no idea...) So in this case, the whole boundary-setting exercise seems pointless. Or at least it seems trying to set a boundary is inappropriate.
I considered the problem is that I just can't apply it because it's H's issue and not mine, so I used a similar issue I've had in the past. Setting: When you:don't spend time doing my interests (eg. gardening) with me, I feel:neglected, alone, unimportant to you I want:you to do some of my activities with me and be a pleasant companion. Enforcing: if you:don't do it with me I will:do it alone? do it with someone else? won't do your activities with you anymore? Okay, any of those options are fine with me too. I suspect it would change something on H's side because he wants me to do his things with him, whereas I don't want H to do anything with me anymore, at least not now. Fact is, I did apply this and now I'm doing my things without him and not doing his. Maybe that's the only difference, that he really doesn't have any leverage to get me to do what he wants me to do. And leverage sounds more like an ultimatum thing.
Alternatively, for my issues of treating me disrespectfully, which is something H is doing rather than not doing... Setting: When you:condemn my different opinion I feel:disrespected I want:you to accept that I am entitled to form my own opinion and stop judging me for it Enforcing: if you:don't stop condemning me I will:stop being open with you and spend my time instead with people that are more accepting if you:will accept my right to be me even if it's different than you I will:look forward to spending time with you and that opens up the opportunity for us to build an intimate R
Maybe my confusion is in relation to recognition of the other person's boundary. The whole "where one person ends and the other person begins" thing. Can we create a boundary that requires the other person to "do" something? I couldn't very well create a boundary that required my neighbor to buy me flowers. I COULD make a boundary that they couldn't treat me disrespectfully, and I could have that boundary for everyone.
I don't have the answers yet. I'll have to keep thinking on it.
