Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

This has been the hardest few days since the BD. Finding out about the OM been a major hit to my heart, albeit a few days late in my reaction time. I just feel like crying half the time, and the feelings of betrayal are overwhelming. W asked me if I wanted to take a day and go Christmas shopping for the kids. We do this every year and it's something we always looked forward to. In fact, it's one of my favorite things to do with her and I look forward to it every year. How can she ask when this is going on? I told her I will think about it. Crazy is crazy but I can't even look at here straight anymore, let alone fake it. I feel like punching something, or someone (OM).

Holidays are coming and this year is gonna suck, but I'll do the best I can for the kids and me.

I keep reminding myself of T^2 mantra:

"Work on you,
Stay out of her,
Stay out of your own way,
Be the lighthouse
The warrior who knows he is waiting, and why, and find joy in his environment while waiting."

The "why" part is the toughest to answer sometimes. I told my therapist that this would be easy if I just didn't give a sh^&#t anymore, but I do. She asked me "what is the why"? Thinking about this, I said a few things;

"I want to look at my kids in the eye at some point and tell them that I love them, and I honestly tried everything I could possibly do. This wasn't me."

"I still want to walk down the path called life with my wife and work on things, explore things, in a honest, safe, and loving way. Growing together" That is my dream.