Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

Hi Delboy,

Yes she does, she is on Lithium and another one that I can't remember. She has been on them for years and has been quite stable throughout, this is after two suicide attempts early on.

The experts say that MLC's are depressed as well, but I believe my W is offsetting the depression by the use of the drugs. I's a strange conflict and contradiction.

[Delboy]

Hi TTH, thru the years that she's been taking Lithium, have you ever had to walk on eggshells or has she been quite open and kinda well balanced?

I'm not trying to be nosey, i'm just trying to get and angle on it.

Love
Delboy

[SunnyBurst]

Sorry you are going through this - this is a time for you to grow and shine.

That thing you always wanted to do but didn't - it's time to do it.

I stole this from T^2 but I say it all the time

Work on you,
Stay out of her,
Stay out of your own way,
Be the lighthouse
The warrior who knows he is waiting, and why, and find joy in his environment while waiting.

Remember no single action you do is going to make her come to her senses and snap out of this --

Detachment is the most important thing to do !!! And the hardest !!!

This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[trainthruhell]

Hi Delboy:

The walking on eggshells has been off and on since she has been diagnosed, although I can say that it wasn't about the bipolar all the time. In the past 8-10 years she has been more open about how she is feeling and I ask sometimes when I sense something is off. Since she has been seeing some good doctors she has been pretty well balanced but that took a while to get to that stage. Lately she seems manic, and has not been seeing her counselor at all.

My W has some secrets that she has never opened up to me about, and I think this has been a huge factor in her MLC. I feel bad that my W has never found a safe place with me to share those deep issues I believe she suffers from. I could have helped. As I mentioned before, she works off of 100% emotion, and while other couples disagree and take it for what it is - a disagreement, my W always took things personally when I disagreed with her.

So what we have is an MLCer who is bipolar on medication as well. A strange concoction indeed, since she is not exhibiting any depressive signs, or maybe she is masking them, I don't know. She was always very good at hiding her true self until it was too late, especially in her depressive episodes.

[trainthruhell]

SunnyBurst,

I have been following your posts as well, and my heart goes out to you also. My W and I are still at home together, but separate rooms, as well as my sixteen year old D.

It is hard but I feel myself slowly detaching, mostly because of these sights and what I have also read elsewhere. Hang in there.

[trainthruhell]

SunnyBurst:

For me it's been a couple of years of replay, but I didn't know about MLC till a couple months ago. I do not want a divorce, however, I am with you on your post of:

"Maybe someday I will be perfect - but I am getting to the point of I don't give a Sh%#@*t anymore."

Believe me, once you detach, your whole outlook changes. Take care of you and your son!

[trainthruhell]

This is really hard. Good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours.

I think the hardest part is to keep from spying. I have found sex toys, and condoms in her wallet. She does not know I have found these and in our conversations she tells me there is no OM. We both live in the same house, if there is proof of an OM, then I'll ask her to leave, my rules! My God, we have a 16-year old D that is with us.

This is so incredibly confusing to me, and I hope I am on the correct path here. She says she does not like the silent treatment, that if I want to drive her away further, then just keep it up. So I speak when spoken to, and we have conversations but it's usually about her life and work. I pray every day for us.

I need to let God do his work.

[trainthruhell]

Well, this snooping is at an end, it can't be healthy, and if a miracle occurs, it will be that much harder to forgive. This is difficult since W lives in the same house and it is tempting not to. However, the other day I checked the bag she has hidden away and found, in addition to the toys, drug paraphernalia and dope, a card from the OM expressing his undying love for W. W swore to me that there was no other person involved, I guess that was a lie as well.

What was truly weird was my reaction. I wasn't raving mad, or desperate, or suicidal, just kind of sad. Maybe from reading everything here and in the Divorce Remedy book, MLC usually involves infidelity and I was somehow prepared for it. Sure doesn't make it any easier. Need to keep strong and act happy. The Faith part is still there, it's the Hope that is taking major hits and is fading a bit.

Here is hoping for some good news. Keep reminding myself to let God do his work.

[trainthruhell]

This has been the hardest few days since the BD. Finding out about the OM been a major hit to my heart, albeit a few days late in my reaction time. I just feel like crying half the time, and the feelings of betrayal are overwhelming. W asked me if I wanted to take a day and go Christmas shopping for the kids. We do this every year and it's something we always looked forward to. In fact, it's one of my favorite things to do with her and I look forward to it every year. How can she ask when this is going on? I told her I will think about it. Crazy is crazy but I can't even look at here straight anymore, let alone fake it. I feel like punching something, or someone (OM).

Holidays are coming and this year is gonna suck, but I'll do the best I can for the kids and me.

I keep reminding myself of T^2 mantra:

"Work on you,
Stay out of her,
Stay out of your own way,
Be the lighthouse
The warrior who knows he is waiting, and why, and find joy in his environment while waiting."

The "why" part is the toughest to answer sometimes. I told my therapist that this would be easy if I just didn't give a sh^&#t anymore, but I do. She asked me "what is the why"? Thinking about this, I said a few things;

"I want to look at my kids in the eye at some point and tell them that I love them, and I honestly tried everything I could possibly do. This wasn't me."

"I still want to walk down the path called life with my wife and work on things, explore things, in a honest, safe, and loving way. Growing together" That is my dream.

[AJM]

Sorry to hear that TTH. I really am.

I remember when I found out my ex was cheating on me. I found a valentines card from another man. She got into the toys etc as well. I'm sure there was more, but I do remember the anguish and pain it caused. I confronted mine. She moved out a few weeks later the first time.

My thoughts: you are going to let her go now or later. Pretending to be together to Christmas shop etc is part of her fantasy. Can you live with that? You need to figure it out sooner than later.

As for the "why?" What did you think about when that question was asked? I know for me, I have asked that thousands of times in the past. In the end, I found that there is no "why". Only "what". For me, that was a key component because I'm highly analytical. Finding the why is part of my DNA.

Letting go of the outcome is critical. Regardless of what she does, you will worry yourself to death over it if you don't let go of the "why" (as in you could fix it if you only knew - you can't).

Some tough questions to answer, but I think you'll be better served to answer sooner than later. For your own sake and for the sake of those around you.

I agree you should be able to look the kids in the eye and they know it was not you that did or caused this. I took that route as well and I'm grateful every day that I did.

Peace,
AJ