I finally received my copy of the boundaries book and I've been going through it again. H finally started going through his and commented several times about what a great book it is. I just responded with "I know, I read it," but I confess to mentally rolling my eyes in a "whatever, boy-who-cried-wolf" sort of way. Not good, I know, but still better than it used to be.
Then H brought up an issue of his. He recently had a company function, presumably a Christmas party, that he didn't even invite me to go to because he knew I would pass. So then he didn't go either because he said he would have felt out of place without his spouse there, since everyone else had their spouse there. We discussed it for a while, as he seemed to have a lot of criticisms he wanted to dump and I wanted to figure out what the real issue was for him. He told me he was proud of himself for not bringing it up previously because he knew where I stood. So I asked him why he was bringing it up now, when it was over. He tried to say that he didn't, that I'm the one that brought it up. But that's impossible because I didn't even know about it. Then he went on with a bunch of "all the other spouses ...." statements. I simply responded that obviously they wanted to go, but that I did not. He took issue with the word "want" and explained that he thought they were doing it because they wanted to honor their spouse, not because they wanted to spend an evening with a bunch of people they didn't know (which was one of the things I mentioned.) So I reworded and said that obviously they chose to go because they wanted to honor their spouse, but that I did not.
I explained to him again that my boundary is that until he learns to treat me respectfully, I'm not interested in doing anything with him besides necessities. He always acts surprised whenever I say this, so I pointed out a number of things he had done already during the conversation as examples. He explained and justified every one of them. For example, he said his condemnation/ridicule of my perspective/opinion is justified because it's so different than his own. I responded that I will always have differing opinions than his on some things, to which I am perfectly entitled, so I guess there's no reason for me to expect a change in his behavior any time soon, and thus he probably shouldn't expect one from me.
I was very calm through all of this. H was not. With this last statement, H reacted similar to a 2yo when you take away their toy. I understand that he owns his response, but if I can avoid being the brunt of it I would very much like to. Or if there's a better way to handle my side, I'm interested to know what that is. I did well not responding to his anger. I didn't point out when he was being disrespectful, I just used the current examples to reinforce the need for my boundary. I'm trying very hard not to let my boundaries become a wall. It's not easy. The need to defend them against H's persistent assaults is exhausting. I know it's part of the process, but I can also see where it's easier to just walk away. At the same time, I'm struggling with my physical and emotional needs not being met. Like I commented in the post above, I have/will possess some very basic expectations of M. Without them, I never would have gotten M'd in the first place.
