My Security Blanket

[bustingout]

Tori, afa, Ruby and turtle thank you. your words of support mean the world to me. (((((( ))))))

Isn't the blanket the best? I need to make sure not to leave.

I kind of turned around yesterday for a look at the castle.

I did confirm that H is going to visit OW before he meets us in Germany.

I did not tell him I know.

But it messed me up for the past day and a half.

I knew it was a probability, but the confirmation still hurt.

He is still lying and cheating.

He has chosen OW once again over his children (he will miss Ds school performance because of this trip...the third year in a row he misses it).

I realized that even though i tried not to, I actually was harboring some expectations based on his niceness as of late.

So I fell a little bit yesterday.

I pulled myself up again.

With the help of a friend.

I realize that he is actually not doing anything differently with himself and her than he has been since this PA started 6 months ago.

He is still making decisions based on his needs/wants first.

It has gotten better between us. That is different. I am learning to communicate better.

But as far as R? Thats still a far far away possibility if it exists at all.

Am worried about the pain my S and D will feel when he leaves again.

Am worried about it being a very sh!tty xmas again for me. I will do and act and be happy and cheery. It will be a good time and I will do all I can in my power to make sure that is possible.

So once again I need to get back to detachment. More detachment. More detached than I thought I was.

Needless to say, we had a great time on the boat this afternoon. All four of us. Maybe its just me and the kids think its great. It was still great.

While I sit back and watch my H lie through his teeth, I also see a man lost. I have learned so much about him watching and observing.

I almost lost it this morning when I saw him. Was about to start a good old fashioned spew full of resentment and not actually saying what was bothering me but instead giving bitter nasty comments full of passive aggressiveness.

I bit my tongue before it exploded.

By the end of the day, when i had worked through most of my emotions I finally spoke to him in a more constructive way. They way I would actually like to always be and have been working on being.

I apologized for being short with him. I told him I would like to express exactly what I was feeling because I wanted to be clear that I wasn't b!tching for the sake of being a b!tch.

1. Knowing his cousin was coming brought up a lot of past hurt and ugly emotions.

2. I was saddened that he was missing Ds school performance again.

I told him I was not looking for explanations or for him to fix it. These were my issues and not his and I just wanted to express myself in a constructive way and I appreciated him listening. I told him that I felt it was important that we communicate constructively and positively and with respect for each other. Lest we fall back into our ugly past patterns.

That was it.

I was pleased with that for myself. It really hit home for me how ugly i could be and how much trouble I have had in the past to express a negative feeling in a constructive way without blame, judgment, anger or aggression.

So another step forward for me I hope.

((((( )))))