Focus on yourself, too. Create good memories for you, even if the sad feelings are still there.
The holiday at your H's family will be awkward. But it's a good chance to show how you can be relaxed and happy. It might be a really hard thing to do, but you can do it.
Tori, afa, Ruby and turtle thank you. your words of support mean the world to me. (((((( ))))))
Isn't the blanket the best? I need to make sure not to leave.
I kind of turned around yesterday for a look at the castle.
I did confirm that H is going to visit OW before he meets us in Germany.
I did not tell him I know.
But it messed me up for the past day and a half.
I knew it was a probability, but the confirmation still hurt.
He is still lying and cheating.
He has chosen OW once again over his children (he will miss Ds school performance because of this trip...the third year in a row he misses it).
I realized that even though i tried not to, I actually was harboring some expectations based on his niceness as of late.
So I fell a little bit yesterday.
I pulled myself up again.
With the help of a friend.
I realize that he is actually not doing anything differently with himself and her than he has been since this PA started 6 months ago.
He is still making decisions based on his needs/wants first.
It has gotten better between us. That is different. I am learning to communicate better.
But as far as R? Thats still a far far away possibility if it exists at all.
Am worried about the pain my S and D will feel when he leaves again.
Am worried about it being a very sh!tty xmas again for me. I will do and act and be happy and cheery. It will be a good time and I will do all I can in my power to make sure that is possible.
So once again I need to get back to detachment. More detachment. More detached than I thought I was.
Needless to say, we had a great time on the boat this afternoon. All four of us. Maybe its just me and the kids think its great. It was still great.
While I sit back and watch my H lie through his teeth, I also see a man lost. I have learned so much about him watching and observing.
I almost lost it this morning when I saw him. Was about to start a good old fashioned spew full of resentment and not actually saying what was bothering me but instead giving bitter nasty comments full of passive aggressiveness.
I bit my tongue before it exploded.
By the end of the day, when i had worked through most of my emotions I finally spoke to him in a more constructive way. They way I would actually like to always be and have been working on being.
I apologized for being short with him. I told him I would like to express exactly what I was feeling because I wanted to be clear that I wasn't b!tching for the sake of being a b!tch.
1. Knowing his cousin was coming brought up a lot of past hurt and ugly emotions.
2. I was saddened that he was missing Ds school performance again.
I told him I was not looking for explanations or for him to fix it. These were my issues and not his and I just wanted to express myself in a constructive way and I appreciated him listening. I told him that I felt it was important that we communicate constructively and positively and with respect for each other. Lest we fall back into our ugly past patterns.
That was it.
I was pleased with that for myself. It really hit home for me how ugly i could be and how much trouble I have had in the past to express a negative feeling in a constructive way without blame, judgment, anger or aggression.
So another step forward for me I hope.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
oh dear busting, you are so wonderful... so open to growth and becoming a better you... i am so amazed at your grace in the midst of all this pain.. it must have been so hard to be so honest and open with H and there was such beauty and strength in how you apologized, expressed your feelings and took responsibility. you are such an example to me.. thank you for showing the way... (((((((((((((((((((((((((busting))))))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Wow! Nice busting, really nice! I just confirmed the who in OW, so my emotions have been crazy too. I like how you bit your tongue and then explained what was really bothering you when you found some grace and calmness.
Communication is key. Next time around, with H or some other lucky lucky guy you are going to know exactly how speak and not let things go unsaid or swept under the rug.
Does anyone but me ever think it is too bad we all love our spouses so much, cuz if we got together with other DB ers there would be world peace and harmony?
I am down still I realized today. I still feel unhealed at times.
I really wish H wasn't leaving to go visit OW. I know I can't control it. Its just such a downer. Things were so nice these past several weeks. We were starting to feel like a family again. I know thats only my perspective.
I know he must see things much differently. So, in a way, this trip may be a good reality check for me on where he really stands.
My kids are not sad he is leaving because we will see him again 7 days later. SO I guess that is a good thing.
This is all mine to know and bear. It kills me that he is leaving and has chosen to miss Ds school production. I try to get into to his mind set to understand more, but I can't. I can't understand the reasoning that much have gone on in his head to make lead him to that decision. Is it 'kids are resilient?' is it, 'she is only 5 it doesn't really matter?'.
I know H can't 'see' me anymore.
I should go. Am at work.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This has to be so hard for you. It is his choice and you know you can't influence that, and you shouldn't. So what he misses D's performance? You will be there. He has missed it before and life you treat it like it doesn't matter, it will go away in D's head.
You are really mad because he chose OW over you guys. Best to start unpacking this a bit, Busting. If the family feeling gives you hope and expectation, then don't do it. He can have time with kids but not with you, it is not doing you any favours at this point.
What if he were to say " oh family outing" and you said " the kids are going to love it, I have plans".
You need to stop putting yourself in the range of hurt
