The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[sandi2]

Thanks Floyd, for clearing that up, b/c I was interpreting it in a different light, so you are doing what you were instructed.

You mentioned on the 3rd that you were worried about my W. How so? She is in the driver's seat, no?

If you are letting her drive, then I suppose she is. But back to why I was concerned......

she never did do anything to show or prove the A was over. I had to take her word on it. Neither therapist ever pushed her to either. They just said in front of her and I that she wouldn’t do it again and the first one said “if she did “she’d be stupid”. She was never pushed to prove it. She certainly did not offer me the openness you gave your H. My wife was adamant about her privacy and her right to secrecy and not share this information.

This shouts to me that she is still in the A. It may not be physical, but emotionally, she's still tied to OM. I tend to think that is one reason you have seen drastic changes in her moods. I believe her moods are based on what the OM is doing....or not doing, and she is reacting to it. Let me give some examples of what I mean.

When you first confronted her about the A and she thought you were leaving her.......it might have had something to do with timing. In other words, if she thought the A was over and she might find herself out on the street (so to speak) and OM wasn't offering to take her in, then she could have panicked and that's why she begged you not to leave her. It's one thing for OM to carry on with her when he gets something out of it without him having to make any commitments. However, if she told him that Floyd knew about them and she didn't know what on earth to do.......and OM didn't jump in to rescue her and tell her to leave old Floyd and he (OM) would take care of her, that was strike one on OM. Or she may have told OM that they had to end the A. But if OM didn't immediately pursue her, that could have caused her to think she better stick with Floyd.....since one of her fears is to end up alone.


Your W could have been serious about ending the A. At the time, she might have had good, honest intentions. However, shortly after....the addiction kicked in and she craved for whatever OM was doing to make her feel wonderful.

We could use up an hour of guessing what the scenario might have been, but do you see how these things could very easily caused her to bounce around like she did?

When the MC began to focus on your W and wanting to get to the root of her problems.....your W rebelled. She rebelled when the C told her to look at you and say this & that. I know it was rebellion b/c I am the same way with certain things, and when somebody is trying to make me do something like that that I don't intend on doing! I was especially that way when I was in the WAW mode.

Your W thought it would appease you if she joined you in going to the MC, but she didn't want to have anything about herself fixed. As long as the C was zoning in on Floyd, that was fine with your W, but things quickly changed when the MC wanted to put the spotlight on her. That tells me she certainly was not in it for herself. It was suppose to be only you that got your problems straighten out. I doubt she ever dreamed the C would direct anything to your W's past.

But the real clincher is how she is so strongly against being open and demanding her privacy. She pretty much gives herself away, right there. I think at that point she was having contact with OM. B/c if she was sincere about wanting you to stay with her, then she would have been glad to be open with you about everything in order to squash any suspicions. But regardless if she never broke contact....or did break off but later started again, at the point in the counseling session we're speaking about, I believe she could not give it up b/c she was still covering up.

But we'll give her the benefit of doubt and say she broke off the A and was not covering up any contacts with OM. She resents you.....a lot. You come through looking like the good ole boy, while she's the bad guy with her relatives, friends, and her own kids. I realize it was her choices that led to this, but I wonder if the MC didn't help put the R asunder. All of that together & added with how you responded to her not apologizing, etc., helped her throw in the towel. As if she's thinking, "That's right, everyone thinks Floyd is so great, especially Floyd! Since I'm so bad, I'll just get the heck out of Dodge and Floyd & the girls can have each other." It's easy for me to see how the MC could have pushed her too far and too thin. Just based on my own stitch and how I felt, I could have turned back real quick if somebody.....anybody...had required more of me than I was ready to give at that time. She could have thought that she was doing all she was capable of doing for that point & time....just to stay in the M.

I know some people think it's useless to wonder about these different things, but I hope it will give you some insight from the other side and why she's been like she has.

Something is giving her the fuel to pursue the D. It is either her disgust toward you that fuels her anger, or else the OM is filling her head with fantasy ideas. He doesn't really have to promise her anything.....but just the thought that their R could lead to something more....could cause her to want to shut the door on her present situation. To her, it would be a lot easier to work on a brand new R rather than working through the problems of her past and her present MR. That's a big part of the fantasy.

So whatever is adding fuel to her actions, is going to cause her to do what she dreaded the worst. Waking up some morning to discover she's lost everything.

You asked me what turned me back to my H. I believe everything that led me to stay in my M was in the right "timing". If I had read that information too soon, or too late, I doubt it would have had the same outcome, but IDK. I am a person who believes in doing what is right, and of course having an A is far from right. Somehow I stumbled on this board, and there were a few people who really talked to me straight. That was exactly what I needed....and I knew it. They gave me information I had never read about in the past (and I thought I had read a lot). They told me things about the OM that I didn't want to believe, but in my heart I knew some of it had to be true. The OM was very slick with his words....but I had began to notice just enough that raised a red flag even in my foggy mind.

You see, my H didn't do anything that got me to turn around, except he finally back off. The only thing he said that had an impact was that we would not live together on the buddy-buddy system. If I could have stayed in my home (with his continued financial support) and we could just be good friend.....that was great, IMO! But he made sure I did not misunderstand the conditions if I stayed in the M. I didn't like it (of course) b/c I didn't even like him, at that moment. But it did make me really think about my life being without him in it, instead of the stupid fantasy mess that had been swimming around in my head.