Yeah, is there really any reason you have to return this particular call? Why not just not answer - let him have to make the effort to contact you a second time. (YOU would, if you contacted him and didn't hear back - you'd contact him again if you really wanted to talk to him).
Let him experience a little uncertainty. Let him wonder where you are and what you're up to.
Thank you Mrs, Snodderly and KML for your posts. They are much appreciated.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
I honestly don't believe the ow was fighting for your friendship. I think your friend told you that just to keep you on the string. I've heard and seen these types of comments made by mlcers before and it is their way of "conning" us into hanging around.
I do not know what to believe with that one. What I am certain of is even if she is "fighting for our friendship", she has no idea exactly what our relationship was. He can easily spin that we were always "just friends" and she would be none the wiser - or ignoring it for her own reasons. In any event, for me, it backfired as I feel less likely to hang onto someone whose new girlfriend is the one calling any of the shots.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
I wouldn't return his calls. He needs to make a decision about what he wants and stop stringing you along. He's using you for his emotional fix and as long as you allow him to do so, he will continue doing it. Take back your self respect and allow him to wallow for a bit. He needs to respect you for the fine young lady that you are.
Thank you Snodderly - and KML. Unfortunately, I did not see your posts (no computer access this weekend) before returning the call - but I did take three whole days which is unheard of for me (when anyone calls, actually). I got his VM at first, but within the hour, he called back.
We talked for a bit - nothing emotional, personal - mainly about his work. I did not ask about OW, nor thank heavens did he volunteer information this time. It was a friendly conversation. Then I said I had to go (per DB Rules). I did not end the conversation, as I ususally would with a "talk soon" and neither did he. The truth is the whole conversation felt surreal and for me, very sad.
So, back to the shadows for me. Snodderly, said that you would not call him back at all. Is that more in line with what KML recommended and wait until there is more than one contact from him? That seems to be consistent with most of the information threads around the "going dark" and "LRT" advice. I know he needs to miss me but I don't feel that I am at the last, last resort technique just yet. I am not discounting it or your sage advice if that is what you advocate, I am just not ready for it this minute. I guess I am not ready to force a decision from him that will certainly not include coming back to me.
I wish I did not miss him so much or love him so much. Everything just feels off. GAL is difficult right now with all the other crap going on. Meditations are helping but I need to be more consistent.
I hope everyone has a good day - or at least a productive one!
I wouldn't call him. He's pretty much told you that he's in a relationship w/someone else. Give him space and allow him to miss you. By not calling or responding for a lengthy period of time, he may come to realize just how much you mean to him. Right now, he knows that you are sitting in the wings waiting on him....he needs to see your soaring through the air and doing and being all that you can be w/o him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That is my advice to me as well as hard as it is. I know that I must be gone for him to miss me, but at the same time I cannot help but feel that if I am GONE, then we will never reconnect ever again but there I go, pulling the same crap.
Had an awful day a couple of days ago. Ever notice how everything seems to happen all at once? In any event, by the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I felt mentally on my knees and just started to weep.
I never thought he would leave me and I really never thought I would turn into a watering pot. 2012 end of the world, indeed.
After the worst of it, the phone rang. I answered it never dreaming that it was him but it was. Only two days after we last spoke.
Despite my mini-breakdown, I managed not to break any of the DB Rules and kept the conversation short. He talked about his work and a few other things but nothing personal. No I miss yous or ILYs from him. None from me either.
After that conversation, I felt...resigned. Resigned to the fact that this is perhaps all we would ever be again to each other. That he had someone else. That "confused" or not, he did not choose me. That there is no magic search for an answer because there is no magic bullet. That crystal balls do not exist. I do not know if "resigned" is the same as "acceptance"; acceptance sounds much more enlightened but it is also sad.
I am not in a hurry to talk to him again although stupidly, I still have the biggest urge to contact him) but I am taking the advice I receive here seriously. I may not always follow through but I will take any lumps that come from that.
Portia, Feel your pain and allow it to wash over you and then release it. Resigned/acceptance...are pretty much the same. I'm very sorry you have had a rough couple of days. You are going to have many days of ups and downs, but please, come here for support. We will be here for you.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. Pamper yourself, start thinking of things that you can do to take your mind off of him. The holidays are coming, there may be shows or events that you could attend and enjoy the entertainment, make a list of things that you want to do in the next 3-6 months. Portia, you have a whole lot of living to do!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Haven't updated in a while. Not really that much to tell.
Four days ago (three after we last spoke) in a weak moment I texted him. Nothing heavy. It was a friendly exchange but not in any way significant.
The next night he called me. I was not home so he got VM. He "hopes all is well" and he is sure he will talk to me soon. Well, I am. It so sure.
He has not called again and I have not returned his call. A very big part of me thinks what is the point? But another part of me thinks that if I expect to have any sort of a relationship with him I cannot ignore him forever. That would mean that I am done and I am not.
So while I am still unsure I am just going to do nothing. If he calls again or waits a long time before calling, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Meanwhile, there are other things that have nothing to do with this that need to be taken care of.
You sound maybe a little blue. I'm sorry for that. IDK DB well enough to give that kind of advice, so this is just from me. (Plus your sitch is kind of unique it seems because you are a former distancer.)
I think maybe you should keep a calendar, or even a journal. Something so you know how often you do make contact and perhaps some sort of indication of what was said... then you could make sure you weren't calling too often.
Gotta run.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
When you make these phone calls, keep them short and act as if he called YOU - and caught you "just as" George Clooney rang the doorbell, the bentley pulled up to take you to the airport for Italy or Alonzo-the-masseuse said he was ready for you.
Something like, chat chat chat - "oh! gotta run, been great hearing from you!"
XOS will wonder what in the H is going on, which is a good thing.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I think maybe you should keep a calendar, or even a journal. Something so you know how often you do make contact and perhaps some sort of indication of what was said... then you could make sure you weren't calling too often.
Thanks, Miz! (I like the change!)
I was feeling a bit blue - just stressed I think. When it rains it pours, ya know?
And, I am glad you suggested a journal because it stopped me from feeling a little weirded out that I was keeping one.
So, since the message on Sat (8th), he called again last night but did not leave a message. I did call back when I got home but left no message when I got VM. In hindsight, I probably should have just left well enough alone but I do wrestle with my former "distancer" role.
I cannot tell you how strange this dance is for me! We never missed a night talking and if he was going to be late from work, he called me during the day to tell me. I guess I should have got a clue something was up when that was happening less and less, huh? But this strategizing about when to call and not to call just seems so foreign.
Is it strange that sometimes I am not really in the mood to talk to him? I know I should not be giving the OW head space, but I cannot help it. Holidays are coming and they were always very special to us and we always spent the two weeks after Christmas together. Not this year!
And, there is ANGER bubbling just beneath the surface - the lies, the betrayal. Because I do not want any of that to come out while talking to him, sometimes I feel it is best not to talk.
The optimist wants to believe that calling me back even after I did not return his message is a positive sign. The realist in me thinks it is just arrogance at this point and a belief that everything is just fine. Who bloody knows?
In other news, I am putting one foot in front of the other and am in survival mode. I am not looking forward to Christmas this year (too much other family drama) but it will be nice to be off work for the week. I am still trying to detach but it is obviously not working and maybe even harder because the one "sane" person in my life, no longer is!
