Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[JuneReN]

I am going to bet your behavior towards her has changed. She saw your GAL, didn't like it, had to prove you'd still be there, jumped your bones and now is distancing self again.
ML is fine, touching is fine, but I think you have to remain consistent in your actions and behaviors. Will continue

[JuneReN]

since I was at lawyer's and it was my turn lol!!

Anyway, as I was saying....I am sure your attitude has changed since her emotions had changed towards you. It is a wild ride and it feels like she is confirming your GAL and previous change in attitude was not real and that if she pulled out the stops, the old you would resurface. I would maybe make a DB coach appt.?

[someguy1233]

Thanks, Rubytuesday.

I think you may be right. I started to feel more comfortable around her. I did spend about 1.5 weeks with out a GAL activity and spent more time around her.

She was engaging me... she was asking me to exercise with her, and spend other time with her. I need to remember that despite her requests, I still need to GAL for me. Especially when she flat out told me I need to spend time with others because she can't be everything for me.

Yesterday afternoon she called to see if I wanted to have lunch since she was in the area for a job interview. I agreed. It was honestly pretty boring. She didn't have a lot to say and it seemed to be a struggle to keep conversation going. She drove me back to work and I said goodbye and went to get out of the car. She looked at me and said, "uhhh excuse me?" I looked back and she wanted a kiss. I gave her one and said goodbye. She said "I love you."

Last night she went out with a friend as planned. She sent me a text while she was out stating, "We're grabbing dinner at <restaurant>. I'll be home after!" I was shocked that she actually kept me updated. I responded, "Thank you. Have fun!"

When she got home she snuggled me in bed.
She said, "Did I communicate appropriately?"
Me, "Yes. Thank you!"
Her, "You're welcome."

She gave me a long hug as I left for work this morning.

I have no idea what's going through that head of hers!

I'm going to the range this weekend with my sister and her boyfriend. I'm thinking we'll hit up a pool hall afterwards. I haven't played pool in years!

[someguy1233]

Yesterday was an interesting day full of interactions with W.

W called in the morning wanting to talk about her job interview. During the call she made a comment, “You don’t even like me.” It was said with sad/needy tone. I laughed and said “awwwww…” (Not in a mean way, just sympathetic)

I had the afternoon off from work. W called me while I was leaving work. She asked if I wanted to hang out with her while she drove across town for a quick meeting with a recruiter. She said we could hit up the fancy grocery store on that side of town. She said it would be nice to spend some time together. I agreed. This is where the conversation got interesting….

She asked, “Do you want to go on a dress-up date some time?”
Me, “Sure. Do you have anything in mind?”
W, “No. I just thought it would be nice to go out and do something different.”

She talked about her job options. She talked about possibly becoming a stay at home mom. This is something she hasn’t mentioned for weeks. Her staying home would obviously involve us staying together. She’s expecting a job offer from a company she’s not very interested in. I told her that she shouldn’t have to take a job that is going to make her miserable and that she should keep looking, or stay home with S. I said, “ultimately, you can do whatever you’d like. But know that I support your decision, no matter what you decide.” (This is continuing on my 180 to stop talking about money.)

While we were grocery shopping my work phone was going crazy and I was reading emails. She said, “You’re not really here with me are you?” I apologized and put my phone away. This was very surprising… she hasn’t seemed to care if I was “with her” in a long time. She held my hand as we walked through the store.

She asked if I still liked her. After a bit of a pause, I responded “yes.” She gave me a LONG kiss at the stoplight. She talked briefly about how she wanted to stop being “scrambled.” She said she wants to be organized and drink less.

When we got home she wanted me to play with S in the kitchen while she cooked. She wanted us to be together. She gave me multiple kisses. She said “I love you.”

She gave me multiple compliments, telling me I’m a great guy, amazing father, handsome, etc.

This morning I dressed up for work more than usual. She noticed and asked why. I told her, “no reason.” She demanded a hug and a kiss as I left. She said “I love you.”

I’m trying not to get my hopes up again. We went through a day like this about two weeks ago and she snapped back out of it quickly. I’m trying to maintain my same behaviors this time.

I made plans for tonight. I’m going to help my dad and grandpa with a project. W wasn’t happy that I was leaving, but I need to continue GAL and maintaining some space.

[eyesopen]

Awesome, stay on your path. I won't lie, I am very envious of you. At the same time I am extremely happy for as well.

[JuneReN]

Awesome, stay on your path. I won't lie, I am very envious of you. At the same time I am extremely happy for as well.

Me too. WARNING....continue to GAL. She does a 180 on you? Which in my bones I feel is coming you act exactly as you have been today and yesterday etc. this feels like the testing stage. Hold fast dude, and do not be bummed out when she changes her behaviour. You have to remain absolutely steady in yours.

[someguy1233]

I need advice.

Last night W would make some physical contact in bed. She'd put her leg on mine, etc. I pulled away. I really didn't feel like being touched by her, despite my love language being physical touch.

This morning I was about to head out the door for work. W was standing in the hallway, clearly waiting for me. In an effort to continue keeping my distance, I walked by her and said goodbye to S.

I turned around to leave and she was still standing there watching me. I smiled and said, "Have a good day." She looked disappointed.

She said, "You say you want this to work out, but you don't do anything. You don't snuggle, give me hugs, say nice things, or call/text to say 'Hi.' I can't do this myself."
I responded, "Do you mean I don't do these in general, or in this moment?"
She answered, "In general. Every night I snuggle your back as you face away from me. If you want this to work we both need to try."

I don't know what to do. Keeping space clearly makes her pull closer to me, however it also builds an emotional wall that protects me.

She's still secretive with her phone, possibly due to the unconfirmed OM (who's moving across the country in January).

I don't know how to proceed. Some days she seems to want to work on us, others she's very distant. She hasn't done anything drastic to show she wants the M. However, I've never really told her what she'd need to do to get me back.

Do I start making more contact with her??

[AnotherStander]

She said, "You say you want this to work out, but you don't do anything. You don't snuggle, give me hugs, say nice things, or call/text to say 'Hi.' I can't do this myself."
I responded, "Do you mean I don't do these in general, or in this moment?"
She answered, "In general. Every night I snuggle your back as you face away from me. If you want this to work we both need to try."

I wish I had more expertise in this area, but it sounds like you're in a gray area between DB'ing and piecing. I don't think you should continue the detachment at this point. Your W is specifically asking you to start reaching out and you probably should. I'm not talking about going "all in", but start showing her you're still interested. Have you ever talked to a DB coach? This would be a really good time to discuss this with one, I think they know more about this gray area than any counselors out there would.

She's still secretive with her phone, possibly due to the unconfirmed OM (who's moving across the country in January).

That's a big sticking point. I would think that in order to really get into piecing/ reconciling she's got to offer transparency there.

Some days she seems to want to work on us, others she's very distant.

Keep in mind that this kind of distant/ pursuit dynamic is normal even in a healthy relationship. Not sure how extreme it is in your R, but if it's not super crazy swings I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[someguy1233]

Thanks, AS. Perhaps I am in a grey area. It's been a while since I talked with a DB coach. Perhaps it's time to make that call.

I debate flat out asking wife about OM. But perhaps it's still too early. There's a part of me that wonders if I shouldn't wait until mid-January, after he moves...

[someguy1233]

Friday night
S was sick. I tried to connect with W with conversation about current events. (a 180) She played on her phone and barely responded. Said she needed to unwind after a long day with S being sick. She seemed distant.

Saturday
She felt distant in the morning. She gave me a hug in the afternoon.
She sat on my lap to discuss dinner options.
I asked if she still wanted to go on a “dress up” date night sometime. She said, “Yes! I think it’d be fun!”
Saturday night she went out with friends. She was wearing ring for first time In days, and was wearing them out! She gave a hug, kiss, and said “I love you” before leaving. The next day she laughed and said her ring was like a force-field… it kept the guys away.


Sunday
We met with her family for a Christmas gathering. I was sitting on the couch; she was sitting on the floor near me. She made an effort to hold onto my leg.
Her parents were discussing ideas of gifts for me. W commented again about how we’d like a gift certificate to a local casino for a mini overnight vacation.

Last night I GAL. I went to the range with my sister’s boyfriend and grabbed a drink afterwards. It was a great time! My aim is slowly getting better. He invited me to shoot competitively with him this summer. I think I may take him up on the offer. I need a new hobby!

Before I left for the range W looked at me sadly and said, “How come you don’t invite me?” I told her I didn’t know she was interested. She said she’d like to try it. I don’t think she likes when I leave and do things without her… She often makes me feel guilty for going out… despite the fact that she tells me I need to connect with other people.

When I got home W was in bed. She slid over to she was touching me. S woke in the night. I got up to help with him (180). She made contact when I returned to the bed.

This morning W wanted a kiss as I left for work.