He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Mach 1 -
Thank you for challenging me. I need it. Addressing you now:

ALL of them are including what YOU think that your Husband is, or isn't capable of.

And they ALL are in a negative light.

Yes, that's very true. I have been pretty negative when it comes to H. I'm negative because he has repeated the same behavior patterns over and over again, and furthermore, he hasn't shown any indication of WANTING to change. I do definitely recognize him when he does something nice though. I just don't expect it. Wouldn't that be naive if I did?

Now, I suppose he could use the same argument against me, and it would be true. I've been consistent in my behavior, and he hasn't appreciated it.

Regarding compromise though -

He hasn't shown me that he cares to compromise. Maybe he does know how, but it's not important to him. Is that better stated? Compromise is not something that came up too often in our R, and I guess it should have.

So, I have negative expectations because that is what he has taught me to have. I stopped communicating with him because he taught me that whenever I tried to express my feelings, I'd get shut down and not listened to. Or, towards the end, he went into a tirade. Or he'd threaten D.

I will say that I'm still here, I'm still working at it, I just paid for 6 coaching sessions. So even though I expect he will D me, I'm still working at it hoping that I can bring about change. I do not expect my H to change or see things differently, but it doesn't stop me from hoping that he will.

So back to me -

I don't want to be that negative, angry person. I want to be balanced, happy, whole. I'm working towards being balanced and happy on my own. Whole may not happen until this is all over, whatever way it goes. For the most part, I have been doing much better at controlling my feelings, and it probably seems like I spew a lot of crap here on the board - but that's because it's the only safe place to do so.

I am angry. I'm working hard and hitting a brick wall. In MC, he has moved from "I'm trying to decide what I want to do" to "I'm trying to figure out a way for us to have a peaceful D." Therefore, it seems that things are getting ostensibly worse, despite my efforts. My dad likes to point out that things really have gotten better, though it's hard to see because this race all of a sudden got a lot more challenging.

I tried to express some of this anger and frustration in MC today. The C doesn't do much to facilitate. He lets us flail. Maybe that's good, I don't know, but I know I sure don't like it. H started the session by saying that our talk a few days ago reinforced the fact that he wants out, because I got angry and frustrated at him when I'm supposed to be leaving him alone. My counterpoint was it was 2 hours out of 6 days 22 hours, but I don't get credit for the rest of it. I told him I needed him to acknowledge that I was hurting too and that I'm bound to get frustrated every once in a while. I made him sit there and say it.

It is galling to have to hear that he's waiting for me to start working on myself, that he is wondering where the kindness is, that I have no right to tell him to listen to me, that who made me a relationship expert, that what I say now is revisionist history.

I told him during the session that it made me sad to see him in so much pain, so hopeless all the time. I told him that that the anger he sees is nothing more than hurt and unmet needs.

Sometimes I imagine us in MC without the second EA. Honestly, I'm not sure it would be much different - I think he'd still want out and would be pointing out all the same flaws, just with less ammunition.

He also said that he wanted to move out after the holidays. He was waiting until January bc he wanted us to enjoy our last holidays together. I told him I didn't want him to but I thought it would be best for him.

After the session we talked some more but then it started to turn into an attack so I stopped the conversation (yay me). I brought up a time when he shut me down so profoundly that I spent 2 hours in the fetal position at the back of my closet. I get tears in my eyes every time I think of that incident. (Tears as I write this. Tears when I was standing on the street recounting it. Tears as I re-read this.) Actually that's when he started attacking me because maybe he can't stand to think that he may have caused any suffering. I told him I wasn't going to be attacked and got in my car and left.

I guess this is the testing my coach was talking about. The WAS will push your buttons and push your buttons to see how you react, and he was like a little kid in an elevator. I could feel myself getting agitated and upset. I'm sure I screwed up a little (I said, if we D, it's on you), and it's hard to be cognizant of what's happening as it's happening, but at least I shut it down before it got really ugly.

The good news in all of this? If and when he does leave, I think I will be relieved to have him gone.

[BklynMom]

Would you rather be right or be happy?

[mamabird]

I'd much rather be happy, but what's the point of saying that to me now? Bklyn, with all due respect I am not sure you are familiar enough with my sitch to say that. I have been dismissed in this marriage for years and put up with it for the sake of being "happy". That hasnt worked out so well.

[mamabird]

Bklyn, just a little advice for you, try injecting a little empathy, it certainly goes a long way.

[labug]

RLA, you so want to control the outcome of this and how your H responds to you, the tension is palpable in your posts. It's like I can see every muscle in your body tensing to change the direction of this off-course ship.

I recognize it because I was very much that way.

Let go.

What would happen if for a week or 2 or 3, instead of trying to tell H want you want/need you lived it. You become what you want H to be. Don't announce to him what you're doing, just do it.

He will either change over time or he won't.

And then you have decisions to make.

And about BK's post, it might have hit you wrong this morning but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. We're mostly a bunch of controlling-fixers here and have wanted to be right rather than happy for most of our lives.

And that's how we landed here.

For me it's the things that get me thinking "I don't do that!" that carry the most truth.

There's nothing wrong with recognizing and working on that. Take what you can use and leave the rest, it's all offered to help, not hurt.

[Spartan]

I don't want to be that negative, angry person. I want to be balanced, happy, whole. I'm working towards being balanced and happy on my own.

Keep working on yourself and remember that's your number one goal. If you're happy and show no anger it will be harder for your H to stay mad. Right or wrong my W's response to discussions in many ways is dictated by my mood and how I react. When I stay calm/ pleasant they go much better.

I am angry. I'm working hard and hitting a brick wall. In MC, he has moved from "I'm trying to decide what I want to do" to "I'm trying to figure out a way for us to have a peaceful D." Therefore, it seems that things are getting ostensibly worse, despite my efforts.

It's ok to be angry but remember to try not to show it to H. You know my sitch also so I fully understand what you're going through and just how hard that is. I'm pretty emotional for a guy and it's so hard sometimes and every time I've gotten angry I've taken steps back.

My dad likes to point out that things really have gotten better, though it's hard to see because this race all of a sudden got a lot more challenging.

What does your dad see that you aren't seeing? Might help to give you hope.

It is galling to have to hear that he's waiting for me to start working on myself, that he is wondering where the kindness is, that I have no right to tell him to listen to me, that who made me a relationship expert, that what I say now is revisionist history.

I completely understand your frustration here also, sounds like my W in many ways. She said something yesterday that I just can't figure out what she means and I've been racking my brain to see her side so I can correct my behavior/ presentation. Try to sit back when you're relaxed and H is gone and try to figure out why he thinks you haven't started working on yourself and why he doesn't feel kindness from you. Maybe he's just not seeing it and can't get out of the past or maybe he needs it presented differently. That's at least the way I'm thinking in my own sitch.

We're mostly a bunch of controlling-fixers here and have wanted to be right rather than happy for most of our lives.

This hit home for me because it's so true. Hard part for me right now is that I'm currently not happy or right. I'm hoping by dropping my ego and not being right I'll eventually be happy.

[Mach1]

I'd much rather be happy, but what's the point of saying that to me now? Bklyn, with all due respect I am not sure you are familiar enough with my sitch to say that. I have been dismissed in this marriage for years and put up with it for the sake of being "happy". That hasnt worked out so well.
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Bklyn, just a little advice for you, try injecting a little empathy, it certainly goes a long way.

Wow, I gotta say, I didn't see too much of your list in that...^^^^

RLA...

From what I see in your words, you are trying to find a balance between what your DB coach said, and what you feel in your heart. And there is a lot of anger that is inside of you that HAS to come out.

I can understand why you are angry too...

You have given so much of yourself over the years, and now, you feel as though people are telling you to give even more, and sacrifice even more of yourself than you already have....

And that certainly isn't fair now is it ?

Take some time, and really get past the surface of what is being said to you here.

All of this ties into what we have been talking about here the past couple days....

This is a balance, a tightrope that you either walk, based on the "new" you that you have become, and how that plays into the old relationship that you are trying to fix.

It seems as though you are trying to fit within the "role" that you have always had, and you can't fit there anymore. Neither can he.

Bottom line is....that this ISN'T the same relationship that you have had. There have been changes in both you, and him. The struggle now, is to be your authentic self , display the new you, and see if it still fits with him , within the relationship.


You have to give, and you have to be able to receive in order to maintain a healthy balance.

DBing is great at learning how to detach, and to become independent after the breakdown of a relationship. What it isn't so great at teaching, is how to reattach.

How to give up that need to fix, or to control, or letting go of the fear of getting hurt again. How to let down the walls a bit, in order to give yourself again.

It is the reason that piecing is soo freakin hard. Because it goes against everything that we have learned, to protect our hearts.

It is about letting go of fear, and placing boundaries around our self.

It's about learning that... focusing on fixing it, keeps it broken.



Look, you can look around every day, and find 1,000 reasons why you can't do something. When all you need to do, is to find ONE reason why you can do something. Then, your 1,000 reasons become a moot point.

To simplify things a bit, I think what is being asked of you here, and by your DB coach....

Is to live authentically to yourself for a few weeks, monitor how things are going, and see where you are at then....

Don't focus on fitting into that "role" , and just be yourself, the way you envisioned a happy woman, within a relationship would act.

Work on narrowing down that list, and apply those things to your life, and how you interact with everyone, including your Husband.

Find a way to release your anger, instead of the people around you being the target of it. Control it, don't let it control you.

You will find your answers, in time....

Sometimes, the biggest relationship problems seem to dissolve, rather than be resolved.

Foster what works, instead of what doesn't.

One of the most important things I learned, and it took me a long time to get to the point of understanding it fully....

An easy, two word quote, that encapsulates so much in what we go through as the LBS......

Once we become the person that we strive to be...


"Just be"......



What does it mean to you, to "just be" RLA ????

[Spartan]

Wow Mach1, very nice post. I hope you're reading my sitch

[hopefulinga]

LA, I've been keeping up with your posts, although I haven't posted to you lately. I also see that you started to focus a lot of what your H is/isn't doing and your frustration. I also see some things that you have told your H in your discussion that have probably pushed him back because you sound like you are trying to control what he says to you.

Mach 1 has given you good advice to be yourself. It is hard after so many years of trying to be whatever you thought would make your H happy. After my H told our D he would be "happier" if I moved out, I've really started to focus on happiness being within me and that my H's happiness has to be within him. And he is not there, for whatever reason.

My DB coach told me alot of what yours told you. In my last call, which was several weeks ago, he told me that H may still be testing me or my H may truly think he needs a break from me. That was hard to hear. You may want to think about that in your own M.

I've done a lot of the things my DB coach suggested and a lot of the things that others have posted here. I am trying to be true to myself. I no longer try to keep my H company. I'm going out at night and not worrying about whether or not he will be mad at me. And guess what? For now, he could care less. And I'm starting to not care that he doesn't care. Because I have to be strong for my D and I have to realize that he is not right now.

So listen to what's posted and focus on you. You clearly haven't been happy for a while or you wouldn't have had 2 EAs. A while back I questioned as to whether my hanging on was a control issue and maybe you should do that as well. Are you DBing and hanging on so that you can be in control of the M or the D?

I'm having to face head on that my M may be done, and there is not a whole lot I can do other than work on me. I cannot force my H to stay married to me, just like I couldn't force him to M me in the first place.

And listen to your H. He's switched his focus to going to MC to try to amicably D. Those are his thoughts and where he is. You can disagree with that, but cannot change it.

(((LA))

[25yearsmlc]

Dear RLA,

when my DB coach gave me advice, a LOT of it

was what I referred to as "Mother Teresa Hard"

b/c I felt that even Mother Teresa would have trouble doing it. For instance, "Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives h does", was one I had real difficulty doing. Mostly b/c I focussed on the 90+% if things he did wrong or did not do. I focussed on my unmet needs.

Change that focus, even if just for now...You can always leave him later.

Divorce remains an option, and I know you are tired of being in pain.

You're sick & tired of feeling sick & tired. I get it.

But hey, it's December...can you do as Mach suggests, and for now, "just be"? Rest a bit, for you are very weary.

Focus on meeting your own needs, being a great mom, and leave him be, too.

Besides, you know you need more financial security before making a change, right? Since, knowledge is power, have you seen a L to discuss your options?

you might feel empowered by it, and that may help you feel better about a lot of things.

For me, knowing I'd be fine financially, either way, made me feel I was NOT trapped in my m, but was choosing to stay married.

Make sense?