Living in the Gray

[labug]

Thanks, everyone.

I am at a pivotal time in my life for several reasons. Because of the course I set years ago (dragging H along)of being frugal, working to keep debt low to nonexistent, scaling back our lifestyle, living below our means, learning the difference between needs and wants I'm going to be fine financially. I won't ever be wealthy but I will have a rich quality of life!

This wasn't without cost, but nothing is. I was laser focused on frugality and it became an obsession (no, I wouldn't have qualified for one of those TV shows) and I wasn't much fun because I was always worried about money. I'm SMH right now at how off-kilter I was. I had the goal of being debt free and by god no one was going to stand in my way.

I had a fear of going to the poorhouse (even tho there are no poorhouses)!

I know it damaged my M and I will never be debt-free, at least not above ground.:)

But I'll be OK. Interestingly, since the first 6 months after BD, I haven't worried much about money and, guess what? Everything worked out. I've even been able to do some fun things. I have a small balance on my credit card for the first time in years but it will be paid off soon with my bonus from work.

One of my goals was to retire early. That's not gonna happen but here's the thing, when I was able to let go of my obsessive attempts to control outcomes (those attempts could be a book)I found that I actually loved the job I had and it was perfect for me. I no longer feel the need to retire early. I'm sometimes aware that because of the physical demands of the job I may not be able to do it forever but I've learned that I have no control over that and with the connections I have and the skills I possess, something will be available if/when I need it. Worrying about it won't help.

I have a comfortable, cozy little house that living in is like being hugged, I have great Sons who are finding their way in the world without the help of an interfering mother (for the most part), wonderful friends and neighbors and a job I love.

I am rich!

All of the concerns I expressed above have one thing in common.

Fear.

My IC and I have been exploring how fear-based my life has been until now. Everything I did was a reaction to my fear of something.

It feels so good to understand that and have had positive experiences with facing those fears.

Once you let go of the fear, life does get better.