Looked the Gift Horse in the Mouth

[mizjjd]

Current schedule is wiping me out. S19 has GOT to get his license back SOON. Oh well, could be worse.

Not much new to report. H still seems to be in a holding/waiting pattern. Gave me a portion of some money that his parents sent for Christmas. I am wondering if I should keep it. It feels fraudulent somehow. H also at that time hugged me (I didn't hug back) and told me "I do love you you know".

My boundaries right now are no physical contact. (Didn't see that hug coming or I would have dodged.) And he hasn't realized it yet, but I'm not talking to him. I don't mean I don't answer direct questions ie "Is it raining?" But I don't tell him anything about ME. Not how work went ("fine") how I'm feeling ("fine") etc. This boundary is prob not too significant to H but it is to me, and it helps me detach from him.

I was told to not leave the bed, by Cadet I think? And I told H he could stay or go as he chooses. And yes, I do have mixed feelings about that. As much as I am reinforcing the "its over" shift within, I'm sure an outward action will feel different.

Other "service" boundaries have not been set. I am still cooking/cleaning - when I'm home. I don't see changing these things before the end of the year necessarily, but having not yet changed them always gives me room to heighten my boundaries if I should feel it necessary. (My daughter actually taught me this. If I take EVERYTHING away for her bad attitude, what incentive is there for her to change her attitude? She has nothing left to lose.)

My bet is for this "holding pattern" to maintain at least through Christmas - barring any new developments. H is not known for his patience so things might not last that long.

I'm looking forward to my "educational info" meeting next week. I am trying to visualize MY future - cause right now its all about me. Well mostly. There are still those darn kids to consider