PON, you are me even up to 6 months ago...I am such a control freak. I have mostly let go of need to know what, when and where (and who). That ball of anxiety is gone. I still obsess once in awhile, but I get out and run or I do something like clean (blargh) and I do not let it rule even an hour of my time. Not a good meditator here, but I do like yoga
Well I read in the DB to do something different. One lady cut 8 inches off her hair as a 180. I decided to remove my tonsils,adnoids, and fix septum as 180 lol. I'm kidding here. But some history. I've had obstructive and central sleep apnea since I was 12! I'd sleep for 12 hours at a pop and still be miserable . Wasn't till I met my wife that I started using a machine to breathe. I am not a fat guy. I'm athletic and stocky. Almost like a baseball catcher frame.
Anyways it took me 8 years and 9 sleep studies to get the surgery approved.
I'm pretty confident the work he did will resolve my issues finally and I did I tie me and I'm quite psyched even though the pain is nuts !
Getting advice about what to do or say in specific situations is fine, but reflect upon why you need that help. Dig deeper.
Reflect on what has worked, and what in your mindset needs to change to be able to respond in that manner naturally next time. How can you change that?
Right now you obsess about her phones/txt right? And you've been given advice to STOP. What makes you obsessive? Where does the real problem lie? You can force yourself to stop obsessing over her phone, but sooner or later it might be something else.
Right before BD I snooped on my X b/c I realized something was wrong. I was right, but it tipped her over and she left. She didn't want to go down that road again. I realized it doesn't really matter, they will do what they want no matter if you check up on them or not. I decided to never do it again, it's only damaging to yourself.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Agree^^^^. They will do what they will do, and knowing every aspect of everything does not change this. You will only want to know more, even if there is no more. New underwear will become an item of suspicion, dishes not done will equal she is out with someone else. Trust a veteran control freak and snooper, get help to stop this line of anxiety and needing to know, it really doesn't give you any more control in the sitch.
I need to learn what to say to her better in the moment from a compassionate perspective .
Every once in awhile she will open up to me about her herself and how she is feeling . Most of the time she says "I'm in a fog all day long"
She said that last night to me
Her " how you feeling"
Me: ok , sore throat
Her" you could be in a fog all day like me and not know who you are at times
Me" crickets, chirp, chirp, chirp"
Lol better then analyzing but I froze wasn't expecting it
Validate and empathize. Examples: That must be really hard for you. That sounds difficult. Wow, that has to be rough. I can't imagine how that must make you feel.
You could even follow it up with a question if she seems to be in a talking mood: How does being in that fog make you feel? That must make for a difficult day?
You can use these little opportunities to show that you care and keep her communicating with you.
Originally Posted By: rubytuesday
Agree^^^^. They will do what they will do, and knowing every aspect of everything does not change this. You will only want to know more, even if there is no more. New underwear will become an item of suspicion, dishes not done will equal she is out with someone else. Trust a veteran control freak and snooper, get help to stop this line of anxiety and needing to know, it really doesn't give you any more control in the sitch.
I agree! I used to walk around the house from room to room looking for changes, snooping for evidence of what she may have done throughout the day. The bottom line is, no matter what I found, it wasn't proof of anything. It would just lead to more anxiety. For example, I'd think "oh!! she picked up the house! She must have been expecting someone while I was away." But the reality could be that the house was a mess and needed to be picked up.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Agree^^^^. They will do what they will do, and knowing every aspect of everything does not change this. You will only want to know more, even if there is no more. New underwear will become an item of suspicion, dishes not done will equal she is out with someone else. Trust a veteran control freak and snooper, get help to stop this line of anxiety and needing to know, it really doesn't give you any more control in the sitch.
In fact, it's YOU who is controlled by fear & anxiety that does nothing good...it's a destructive force that undermines your marriage &
any joy you might have felt, becomes polluted w/self inflicted, painful doubt...which alienates your spouse more, & may even cause the very thing you fear, to actually happen.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yep.^^ I am letting it go, not easy, but I am letting it go because so many things are out of my control right now that I realize they never were!! LOL!
And the things I can control, I am trying mightily not to. Had some emails with H and I am still trying to control...not as much but it is still there.
Fear is a biggie, but what is the absolute worst that can happen? She is gone and guess what? You are still here, but no better for it at all.
