He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Mach 1 -
Thank you for challenging me. I need it. Addressing you now:

ALL of them are including what YOU think that your Husband is, or isn't capable of.

And they ALL are in a negative light.

Yes, that's very true. I have been pretty negative when it comes to H. I'm negative because he has repeated the same behavior patterns over and over again, and furthermore, he hasn't shown any indication of WANTING to change. I do definitely recognize him when he does something nice though. I just don't expect it. Wouldn't that be naive if I did?

Now, I suppose he could use the same argument against me, and it would be true. I've been consistent in my behavior, and he hasn't appreciated it.

Regarding compromise though -

He hasn't shown me that he cares to compromise. Maybe he does know how, but it's not important to him. Is that better stated? Compromise is not something that came up too often in our R, and I guess it should have.

So, I have negative expectations because that is what he has taught me to have. I stopped communicating with him because he taught me that whenever I tried to express my feelings, I'd get shut down and not listened to. Or, towards the end, he went into a tirade. Or he'd threaten D.

I will say that I'm still here, I'm still working at it, I just paid for 6 coaching sessions. So even though I expect he will D me, I'm still working at it hoping that I can bring about change. I do not expect my H to change or see things differently, but it doesn't stop me from hoping that he will.

So back to me -

I don't want to be that negative, angry person. I want to be balanced, happy, whole. I'm working towards being balanced and happy on my own. Whole may not happen until this is all over, whatever way it goes. For the most part, I have been doing much better at controlling my feelings, and it probably seems like I spew a lot of crap here on the board - but that's because it's the only safe place to do so.

I am angry. I'm working hard and hitting a brick wall. In MC, he has moved from "I'm trying to decide what I want to do" to "I'm trying to figure out a way for us to have a peaceful D." Therefore, it seems that things are getting ostensibly worse, despite my efforts. My dad likes to point out that things really have gotten better, though it's hard to see because this race all of a sudden got a lot more challenging.

I tried to express some of this anger and frustration in MC today. The C doesn't do much to facilitate. He lets us flail. Maybe that's good, I don't know, but I know I sure don't like it. H started the session by saying that our talk a few days ago reinforced the fact that he wants out, because I got angry and frustrated at him when I'm supposed to be leaving him alone. My counterpoint was it was 2 hours out of 6 days 22 hours, but I don't get credit for the rest of it. I told him I needed him to acknowledge that I was hurting too and that I'm bound to get frustrated every once in a while. I made him sit there and say it.

It is galling to have to hear that he's waiting for me to start working on myself, that he is wondering where the kindness is, that I have no right to tell him to listen to me, that who made me a relationship expert, that what I say now is revisionist history.

I told him during the session that it made me sad to see him in so much pain, so hopeless all the time. I told him that that the anger he sees is nothing more than hurt and unmet needs.

Sometimes I imagine us in MC without the second EA. Honestly, I'm not sure it would be much different - I think he'd still want out and would be pointing out all the same flaws, just with less ammunition.

He also said that he wanted to move out after the holidays. He was waiting until January bc he wanted us to enjoy our last holidays together. I told him I didn't want him to but I thought it would be best for him.

After the session we talked some more but then it started to turn into an attack so I stopped the conversation (yay me). I brought up a time when he shut me down so profoundly that I spent 2 hours in the fetal position at the back of my closet. I get tears in my eyes every time I think of that incident. (Tears as I write this. Tears when I was standing on the street recounting it. Tears as I re-read this.) Actually that's when he started attacking me because maybe he can't stand to think that he may have caused any suffering. I told him I wasn't going to be attacked and got in my car and left.

I guess this is the testing my coach was talking about. The WAS will push your buttons and push your buttons to see how you react, and he was like a little kid in an elevator. I could feel myself getting agitated and upset. I'm sure I screwed up a little (I said, if we D, it's on you), and it's hard to be cognizant of what's happening as it's happening, but at least I shut it down before it got really ugly.

The good news in all of this? If and when he does leave, I think I will be relieved to have him gone.