Making it work, for me

[25yearsmlc]

A little while later I got a text saying that H was working on the papers so that I'd be able to move on, if I haven't already.

He then got upset, saying he'd never call me again since he wasn't on the "pick up list". He'd commented over the past year that I would always pick up his call, even when his other friends wouldn't. But that's because I'm his wife, and when he chose OW and not to contact me, [b]he made that choice.
[/b]

No, YOU made the choice not to answer. So I guess you were punishing him by not answering?

You did not think he deserved to have his call answered. Before hand, he'd told you how much he liked that you would take his calls...so you knew it was important to him AND he noted it...so you refused his call...I have to ask, was it worth it? I mean,

How'd that approach work for you?

B/C DBing is about doing what helps the m, and doing none or less of what hurts it....

He owes me money, almost never responds to my emails, before yesterday only called me once in over two months and he's surprised that I don't drop everything to answer his call?

So again, he did not "deserve" his call being answered. See, you sound very angry and...punitive. I KNOW that's not unusual ( the anger) and we've all been there. But you've been at this awhile. While you sep after OW#1, and before OW#2, what were YOU doing to grow as woman and partner? Were you both in counselling or somehow improving your communications?

Any conflict resolution?

IF you can hire a DB coach (better late than never) they'll help you see how UNhelpful the anger is. You have to let go of the anger you feel...turn it over to God if you keep hanging onto it...

It consumes YOU and takes so much energy from other things.

He really is in a thick fog. At least now he knows that I'm not at his beck and call any more. I'm not sure if that'll make him realize what he's done or just push him farther away, but I have to live my life.


Did taking his calls stop you from living your life? I'm being sincere. It sounds as if you sort of believe detaching is the same thing as moving on OR not caring..but that isn't true.


Usually a conversation like this would keep me up all night and I'd be unable to sleep. This time, I continued to work on my school projects and then went straight to sleep.

sounds like progress.

I'd consider taking him back if he truly made an effort, but he hasn't done that and I'm done having unrealistic expectations.

what efforts are You making to become a better partner, better wife, possible mother to his future child, better friend, etc?

All I'm hearing is what HE's done TO YOU and how angry/justified you are,

and or what other lousy thing HE has done lately...BUT

If you want to --as my DB coach said--

Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth,

that isn't the way you'll get there. Good luck!

[sweetbabyred]

wow, 25yearsmlc, you've given me a lot to think about.

I have to get ready for work, but I'll try to answer some of the questions.

When we married, I considered SS to be my child too. I wanted the best for him and made sure that he had a college savings account because that's a huge thing for me. H knew that I wouldn't consider having another child until we were financially stable enough to do so.

In fact, he'd told me that he was okay with not having any more children. We bought a house that turned out to have one major repair after another needed, so we were always saving for the next project.

It wasn't until the day after I came back from a trip to India when he told me that he wanted a child right away. He had been laid off from his job while I was gone, so we had no maternity coverage and I'm self employed so I had to start getting work again after my absence.

Once I had time to think about it, and realize that I'm not 20 years old anymore and can't put it off forever, I knew that I would like a child of my own. But at the same time, I'd never bring a child into the world until I'm sure that I can give it the best life possible.

And if H was so ready to divorce me for not having his child, I didn't want to try to keep him by having a baby. I was scared that if we did try and I couldn't get pregnant, he'd leave me anyway. I wanted H to be with me because he loved me and if we had a child together, great, but if not we would still be together.

It seemed like an ultimatum that came out of nowhere and I'm not the type to "trap" a man. I couldn't wait to leave India and get back home. The last week or two his emails had said that I needed to get home as soon as possible because I couldn't imagine what was going through his head.

If our M had seemed shaky before, I never would have taken this trip. I'd wanted to go and H didn't, so we agreed that I would go before life got in the way of it. There had been a mention before of SS possibly living with us in the future and I couldn't leave if I was a full-time mom. So I wanted to get that trip out of the way.

I'm in no way perfect. I naively thought that marriage was forever and that H must know how much I loved him. His LL are words of affirmation and gifts-two things I wasn't good at. Ever since the beginning of the year, I made sure to give him credit whenever he did something and tried to show how much I appreciated him.

I didn't answer the phone the other night because I'd just walked in the door. I honestly didn't know if he actually meant to call me, as he's only called me once since September. And I had my two biggest school projects due in the next two days, so I was worried that he'd tell me something that would completely upset me and I wouldn't be able to complete them.

If he'd left a vm, I would have called back, I just didn't want to be completely caught by surprise. I wasn't trying to punish him, I was just trying to protect myself. Ever since I talked to MIL on Sunday, I just had an intuition that something bad was going to happen. It's usually pretty accurate, so I was scared.

And that was the same day I found out that my dad, who isn't officially divorced from my mom yet, is now engaged to the women he left her for. My mom is struggling because she has no income and plans to move to Texas when it's all through, but has no means to do so right now. She's supposed to be out of the house by the 18th, so it's all pretty stressful.

I'm not sure why he's choosing to cut off all communication. Since I found out about OW, I've only forwarded the info about the cc and car insurance. I've sent two emails about the bills and maybe a few texts, but usually only when he needed to know something immediately. We haven't been fighting, so this came out of nowhere.

He texted me on Thanksgiving and when we discussed SS Christmas plans on Mon, he told me he hadn't forgotten about me. So this came out of nowhere. I could see him filing the papers, but not communicating with me at all took me by surprise.

I let H's best friend move in with us, for years, and I've learned never to do that again. He's a great guy, but having a third party in the house just isn't a good idea. I could never be spontaneous or feel like we had the house to ourselves.

I know I have a lot of things to change/improve on. I was the type to stick around the house and not go out because I spend all day working with people. So part of my GAL is to accept every opportunity that I can. H always wanted me to go out, usually at the last minute, and I missed out on a lot. And I'll never meet anyone new if I don't go out.

I haven't seen SS since early August and phone calls/text just aren't the same. I bought him Legos for Christmas and I guess I just wanted a chance to see him open them and build them, since that's what we did over the summer. I would have been fine with H just dropping him off. I wouldn't even have to see H; I just want time with SS.

Ok, I have to go to work and this is way too long already, so I'll think more on what you've said and respond later.

Thank you so much for reading most of my posts and responding. I really do appreciate it.

[sweetbabyred]

I took a few days to think more on H's out of the blue email. I did respond, on Monday, with a brief email saying I'd respect his wishes and wished only the best for him, but would reserve the right to email him on financial issues, etc. outside of Chase quickpay if I needed to.

I'd accidentally seen on fb that H's status sometime on Sunday was "so, so sad". I swear, he's turned into a drama queen. And for someone who was supposedly unhappy with me, he's shared a lot more unhappiness with all his friends over the past year or so. At least with me he hid it from everyone before.

I still haven't looked at his page since Oct, but it did kind of confirm my suspicion that things possibly weren't going well with OW.

And this afternoon I got a text saying "well, i guess I can talk to you now." ooh, am i supposed to be overjoyed by this? even if i was, chances are he'll be back with her in a day or so anyway.

I was at work so I didn't respond. H then sent another text saying that he was sad that SS wouldn't be coming to visit for Christmas. And finally a "hello?".

Eventually I took a break and just responded that I missed SS too and had just sent his gifts out today.

A few months ago, I would have been so happy to hear anything from H. But I've realized that I don't want a friend who is going to drop me as soon as a girl tells him too. I can't respect that. I deserve better than that and I'm strong enough to say no to anything less than I deserve.

[sweetbabyred]

H continued to text off and on and I responded when I got home from the gym. H said he'd understand if I didn't want to talk to him.

I told him that I was fine with being friends, but if he dropped our friendship because another girl told him to, it would be the last time he'd hear from me. I didn't want to be or have temp or backup friends.

He said that I'd drop him and SS if I found someone, which obviously isn't true as I love SS dearly. And I'm too stubborn and independent for some new guy to change that.

I told H that he should make sure he was over OW before he contacted me, as it would just p!ss her off if they got back together and she found out. I said that I didn't want any part of the drama.

He admitted that OW didn't like me and felt that H wasn't over me, so she eventually broke it off.

Later on, H called me and I decided to answer this time. I know not to believe any of what he says, so I just listened, but didn't expect to hear anything that would change my life.

H admitted that OW did use him and was only out for herself. H said that he's told other friends that he's not sure why he left me when he knows that I'm the only one who truly cared/loved him and that I'm so much smarter than anyone else he's been with. Also, that out of everyone he's dated, before and after me, I'm the only one who was a grown woman and had my act together.

It was nice to hear that H is out of the fog enough to realize what he's given up. At least until he hears from OW and forgets all over again.

H wants me to go to his apt after work tonight to pick up my Christmas ornaments as he's going to be out of town for a week. I don't think I'm ready to see him yet, so I may tell him I can't drive that far tonight.

Even if I don't want him back, I want to look good when I see him and after a full day of work and shopping I'm not going to look my best.

At one point H said that he wished that we could make it work, but it never would. Then later he said he hadn't gotten over me and wanted things to be different.

I just wish H would realize that relationships only work when both people work on them. Otherwise he's just going to go from one R to another and never make it stick.

Right now I just feel sad that he's so lost and still isn't doing anything to fix it. And he wonders why he keeps finding people who use him.

[sweetbabyred]

I found out from a good friend that H and OW got back together a day or so later. I'm not surprised, but I still didn't want to hear it.

This friend of mine had a boyfriend on and off for about 9 years who started to act like he was in MLC. At the end of last year, she finally broke it off with him, started dating someone, got pregnant, married and is expecting a baby in a few days.

I'm so happy for her but at the same time I'm jealous because she has the happy family that I want.

H did pay the car insurance and amex bill when he got back in town on Thurs. He called late last night (1am) to tell me that he'd try to get the ornaments to me before he went to his hometown for Christmas.

H said that he didn't want to get back with me because he was afraid that it wouldn't work, so he'd rather try with someone new.

I told him that I understood how he felt and wanted him to file so that I also had the chance to move on. That I wouldn't start dating until I was divorced, which should take only 61 days or so, and I wanted a chance to find someone who wanted to be with me and possibly have a family with me.

He's living paycheck to paycheck to pay for his "expensive apartment" according to him and for the furniture he bought when he got the place. He says that he'll file as soon as he gets his bonus in February and he'll also pay back the $3k that he owes me, but he'd file sooner if I'd already found someone to date.

It's frustrating because I know a lot of the things that I did wrong in our M and I know I'd do things differently if I had another chance. And right now I can only hope for a D to possibly have the chance to try with someone else.

This is what I get for having my first days off in about three weeks. Too much time on my hands to think about things. And it's finally hitting me that H and I won't be together on Christmas for the first time in 7 years.

I'm glad that he's spending it with his family, but I'm going to miss being together with all of them.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

This topic is being locked due to length. The forums runs more smoothly when threads are not too long.

Please begin a new thread if you would like to continue the discussion.