Here's my sit.uation...11 yrs married to wife. we made covenant for u.nc.onditional l.ove. i loved that w.arrior p.rincess. o.ur r.elationship was built on trust. we were the best of friends before we even started dating so it was like a dream come true. for those that know Meyers-Briggs, i am an ENFP and she is an INFJ.
when we first got married, we were offered to live with her parents rent-free while we attended college full-time. we graduated in 5 years. after we graduated, we slowly started working and trying to get out on our own. at the same time the W finds out she is expecting. we knew we needed to move from the in-laws. she was even open to an apartment, but i was determined to own a home. before we moved, we had our daughter and stayed with the in-laws 1 more year (my parents are deceased btw).
we were living in our new home for about a year and then i lost my job. horrible. the only thing i could find was for a great company, but very far away. i was working over 50 miles one way from home, we were operating with 1 car, we were broke, i neglected basics, was depressed, emotionally unavailable...for years! bad, bad, bad. it was at that time that things started really deteriorating in our relationship. as far as l.ove l.anguages, i knew that she liked q.uality t.ime, but i didn't realize until recently how a.cts o.f s.ervice were so big, especially if they are simply the basics. i was also not giving her w.ords o.f a.ffirmation for her dream-casting, which she did a lot. she was always asking for p.hysical t.ouch. she would ask for a massage, i would complain and avoid it. ironically, we both agreed that the s life was wonderful, always seeking harmony.
as time went on, her WOA were low compared to her scathing criticism, which i responded to with defensiveness and stonewalling. we knew something had to change. she wanted to pursue her dreams. we found a way to short sell our house, me transfer within the company, and move to KY so she could get closer to her dreams. i knew that when we moved to KY our marriage should be our top priority. it wasn't until after we moved to KY that things came to a head. within one month, i got encephalitis and was in the hospital for a week, her grandmother died, and we had a spat that resulted in a broken tv and thoughts of dying. i didn't realize it at first, but something had really changed for her. i felt it.........classic, classic w.alk-a.way w.ife
we started seeing a marriage counselor. we both agreed...she was horrible! worst yet, my wife said it only stirred up her negative feelings. she had developed a dominantly negative mental attitude. nearly a month later i heard the classic i love you but not in love with you. it wasn't until later that she just flat out said she wanted to separate with an aim for the big d. i was a deer in the headlights...shocked, beside myself, never imagined. when she first told me all of this, i told her that she would have to move out; that separation was her idea and that it would have to be financially equitable.
it wasn't until a couple weeks later that i was made aware of a predominantly one-way e.motional a.ffair (emotional mastr?). she was sending my boss emails, almost daily for 4 months. she had met him one time in the parking lot and she fell in love (felt a connection, pheromonal). she found his email on my computer. predominantly journaling to an imaginary friend, with tinges of sexuality and flirtation. i later found out that through all of it, he would rarely respond, but when he did, it was always telling her to stop. to her, he was being "so appropriate" and just letting her talk, almost like he was a "friend." it wasn't until she paid to find his address and showed up for a f.ace to f.ace. that she really freaked him out and he finally told me. i confronted her about it and she admitted to it and conveyed that she had fallen in love with him. he gave me a copy of the months of emails (over 400) and has since forwarded me mostly anything new. she was basically stalking this guy. that was devastating, but not nearly as much as the nagging pain that i had been partly responsible for my marriage falling apart and had obviously caused my best friend a great deal of pain and failed to be a true friend.
regarding reconciliation, she says she won't be able to truly make her mind up until she is financially independent and able to move out on her own. i was thinking about helping to build her a microhome, so she would always have a place. she is an introvert, and craves time alone, in her own space. i have shifted around my schedule to give her a real increased amount of free time. for a while, i've been her only friend, so unfortunately all my empathy was going to trying to understand her love for ano.ther g.uy. she has remained obsessed about her a.lmost o.ther m.an, but is saying lately that she is letting it go. her desire to separate remains though. she is willing to go see a Gottman therapist and thinks there is a possibility that she could be persuaded to love me again, but it is up to me to "change her perception of reality." she says she couldn't stay married to me unless she fell in love with me again. i can't exactly figure out where WE are in the spectrum of progress.
this whole time i have gone through big ups and downs of pursuing her and i feel she is simply keeping me at a distance, but throwing me something every now and then to keep me coming back. i have debated l.ast r.esort t.echniques, but given our current living conditions i couldn't g.o completely d.ark. our state doesn't allow divorce until the couple has been physically separated for a year. we are in a holding pattern right now, still sleeping in the same bed, still snuggling. we both have h.igh d.esire when it comes to the bedroom and this is a weak point for me pursuing. we've fooled around, but i told her i didn't want to m.ake l.ove with someone who didn't love me. she enjoys massages. i used to hate giving them, but of course now i love it. she likes physical touch. this is hard for me. i feel i'm being co-dependent here.
all that being said, i'm simply trying to g.et a. l.ife and start just being me again. i hold onto God and who he has made me. i guess i'm DB'n and DR'n at the same time? at this point, i'm thinking i will just start better tracking what is effective and what is not and do 180s. i try to maintain levels of attentiveness, mindfulness, and empathy, while trying to stay cool, calm, collected and confident (yet humble). i am determined to live my h.appily e.ver a.fter
