My W is a wonderful person. Smart, excellent judgement, great body, completely selfless, tireless homemaker, boundless self-control, people gravitate to her for advice. But as the years have gone on, I've grown to feel more and more left out of the picture. It's to the point where I feel like the only thing she wants from me is to be left alone. So that's what I've done, I've tried to stay out of her way. Live my own life without imposing on hers. Carry out my responsibilities, do what's asked of me, and get out of the way. And that's left me feeling isolated, unneeded, unwanted, and wondering why I'm still here.
She says she loves me but that's not what I feel. Sex has become a once a month encounter if it can be squeezed into the commercial break. Trying to find out the daily activities and plans is hit or miss because she's always busy or distracted. Any deeper conversations just don't happen. We have few common interests. She's so tired that anything I ask of her seems like another burden to saddle her with.
But I'd resigned myself to this existence because she's such a wonderful person. She's devoted to the kids (one with a long-standing serious medical condition) and her ailing parents. She doesn't waste time. She doesn't relax. She has no interests other than creating memories for the kids and assisting her parents. How can I complain about lack of attention from someone who's so selfless? Backing off was my way of supporting her.
This year, I started thinking, what about my memories? I'd like to have memories of a satisfying sex life with my wife. I'd like to have memories of companionship and intimacy with my wife. What I'm going to have is a lot of resentment and bitterness unless something changes. Because for years I've just been rolling over and muttering my mantra about what a wonderful person she is and how selfish I am for wanting more from her.
As I've slowly realized that maybe I should expect more, other crises have developed. Her mother took a turn for the worse this fall after several years of illness. Last week she entered palliative care. Okay, maybe not the best time to bring up relationship issues. Support her by backing off on that stuff. I tried to talk to her, or listen really, about her mom. That led to a new discovery.
One night a few weeks ago, after hearing the latest updates on Mom, I jokingly asked if she was chain-smoking by now. After some prodding, I learned the answer was no, but it was a daily habit. This just kinda floored me. You need some backstory here.
About ten years ago I was getting one of the kids ready for a bath when I noticed a cigarette butt in the toilet. I called my wife in to show her and shake my head at the gall of the plumber who'd been there that day to smoke in our non-smoking house. To my complete shock, she admitted that it was hers. We'd been together for about ten years at that point, six of them married, and I had no clue that she'd ever smoked. She filled me in. She'd started long ago, maybe before we met, smoking with her friend from work. Just occasionally when they'd sit and have long talks. I can't remember if she mentioned other times or when she'd started up again. But she felt very guilty about it, and made me promise not to tell anyone else, especially her parents or her aunt, who's already suffering from smoking-related diseases. She promised to stop, too. We cuddled, had a long talk, no anger or accusations, just revelation and support and agreement. I do remember telling her how in my single years, seeing an attractive prospect light up was an immediate turnoff, but I could deal with this now. We never said another word about it for years.
I suspected she was still smoking at different times - caught a whiff now and then. But I've got a bad sense of smell and she's always got different lotions and things, so I was never too sure. Once, I said I had a dream about her smoking, and she gave a vague acknowledgement that she had in the few years since I first discovered it. No details. That was it until this spring. I stumbled across a cigarette on our bedroom floor. I pulled it out that night after we were in bed and jokingly asked for a light. She didn't say anything. I hadn't had any clue in a long time, years, that she was still smoking. Not even dreams. I still wondered and suspected occasionally but not with any basis. She was mad at me that day anyway for something, I don't know what. But when no further comment or explanation was offered in the next few days, I got mad. As per my pattern, I backed off and left her alone, don't want to add to her stress of the sick kid and parent. But it kept eating at me, waiting for a chance to find out more. Which brings us back to a few weeks ago.
She didn't want to talk about it. She still feels guilty about it, is embarrassed to talk about it. I left her alone for several days. But my mind was off and racing. Daily? For how long? Years? How did I not know? Why didn't she tell me? What other skeletons are in her closet? Is her usage increasing as mom gets worse? She says she'll stop when mom passes, but will she be able to if she picks up a regular habit now? Can I do anything to help her? Have I failed to provide her the support she needed to keep her from smoking? I started losing weight and sleep. I couldn't focus at work. I started noticing evidence of smoking everywhere I looked - in the car, on her clothing, in the house, on her. I finally couldn't hold it anymore and told her how smoky she smelt the night before, and she should be careful while visiting her mother. She still doesn't want anyone else to know, especially the kids who now of experimenting and impressionable age. I shortly after picked her up and we talked a bit more about specific clues that she should watch. And she clarified that the daily habit only started with the fall's downturn in her mom's health. It'd been maybe weekly over the years, with frequent stretches of weeks or months with nothing, and a longer period of frequent usage (months?) during a particularly bad phase with a sick kid. And no more skeletons. But she doesn't want to talk about it, at least not right now.
So I backed off, don't say anything. I did write her an email, giving her my support no matter what she does with it. I also asked her not to hide it from me, and let me help her hide it from the kids. She read it, thanked me, and hasn't said a word since.
So I've been bursting for the past couple weeks. I still want to talk about it. How often did she turn away from a kiss or say not tonight because she didn't want me to smell the smoke? How often did she avoid my company for an errand or walk so she could smoke? Why can't she talk about it? Is this a sign of the lack of intimacy in our marriage? Some days she's smokier than others. Why doesn't she ask me for a sniff test when she comes in so she can figure out which methods are better for hiding the smell? I'd so desperately love to help her with it because then it'd be our little secret, and I'd feel like she needed or wanted me for something. But she won't let me in.
At some point in there a few weeks ago, shortly after the first revelation, I had spent the day reading about intimacy and marriage on the net. She was already half asleep but I couldn't hold it in. I burst out with something about how we need to work on our marriage after this crisis passes. I know, I know, bad timing. She was a bit angry, but we had a bit of a talk, a start anyway. We've since started having an occasional little kiss goodbye. We stopped doing that long ago. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I told her that by email, and it's continued. So she is responsive, but there is so much more to talk about and work on. And she doesn't want any of that right now.
To fill the void, I've jumped into the world of relationship books. I'm almost done SSM, and I'm on my third audiobook. They just give me even more I want to talk about with her. I told her about the books, and left them sitting out, but she hasn't looked at them or said anything about it other than a "sounds good" when I mentioned it.
What I'm wondering is if the time will ever arrive to talk. Yes, it's a particularly acute crisis right now with her mom having perhaps weeks left. But this has been the case for years, she's always too busy to talk. There's always some crisis or distraction or lack of sleep. And I just keep holding my tongue and feeling isolated. Her mother will pass, and the bereavement period will begin and last for who knows how long. This is coming to a head for me because of the crisis with mom. Is that what crises do, blow up the log jams?
I just needed to get lots off my chest. Thanks for reading.
