Thanks all for your support. One thing is for sure it is a lonely journey.
It is so strange for me not to have my H here to talk to. He was always the one to comfort me as well. Makes it feel so much worse to know he isn't there for me anymore
Should I give up hope like everybody else wants me too?
This is one of the problems with discussing the situation with friends and family.
See, those people closest to us, don't want to see us hurting. They want us to do whatever it takes to become happy again.
Unfortunately, we live in a "throw away" society. Where divorce has become accepted and commonplace.
I would suggest minimizing talking to those closest to you about the details of what is going on and come here to post about it.
DBing, is a concept that is often misunderstood by people who aren't doing it.
Only you can decide when it is time to give up hope. Only you can decide when you are ready to say enough.
Now that doesn't mean don't take steps to protect yourself and your children. Do what needs to be done to protect your finances and your emotional health.
As far as the M goes, it will take time to see what is actually going to happen there.
You mentioned that your H said something is missing.
That is a common theme for WAS.
What were/are his complaints about you? What things do you feel that you want to change about your self? How were the family dynamics prior to his nervous breakdown?
Post often, you will be off of moderation soon if you aren't already.
There is no such thing as too many posts. LOL.
You will find incredible support here.
Welcome to the boards.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My husbands complaints were that we didn't spend enough time alone. We didnt have enough outside family support. I didn't trust enough people with our children.
Of course when I said. Ok let's do some more things alone he said it was too late.
One of the things I am trying to change is to let go a little. I tried to control situations so my family didn't get hurt. A constant worrier. And I had an unhealthy obsession with germs I didn't realize how bad it was until I started taking AD.
Before the nervous breakdown everything seemed fine. We laughed a lot. Chatted in bed at night, played games.
The thing I really believe was missing in our relationship was sex. Before he started having erectile dysfunction We used to have sex a couple of times a week. Then the problems started. Dr gave him Calais which gave him headaches so he didn't take them.
I said to him that I loved him anyway. I think I should have said something else. Not sure what
He said to me in the end, well when I couldn't get an erection I thought I must be no longer attracted to you, so when women started flirting with me I said why not. This is how the first relationship came about. But when it ended he went within a week to this new OW. In his head he is doing nothing wrong because he has left me.
The thing with talking to my family and friends is I felt like I needed somebody to talk to constantly. I felt like I was going crazy and I guess I needed some form of reassurance that I would be ok.
I think I was in shock. I tried to kill myself. I just really wasn't in a good space. I wanted their support. Not to tell me what to do but that they were there.
I feel if I can't find that thing my H feels is missing in our relationship that H will see no point in coming home.
It is amazing how quickly your family get sick of talking to you when you don't follow their advice
Sigh. Such a long road ahead. Especially because I am still not very good at detaching. My heart is still very much getting crushed.
You tried to kill yourself?!!!! Have you been seeing a professional counselor? If not, I would suggest finding a good pro-marriage IC.
Concerning your H...I was given the exact same "there's just something missing in our M," line. I agree w need to each find the 180s that we can do & take ownership in our part of the failure of our Ms, BUT don't take the majority of the blame. This is THEIR problem, THEIR confusion, THEIR MLC.
I understand about how crushed you feel. It's been 5 months, 23 days since I found out about OW & I still feel the pain so deeply that I wonder if I EVER will be able to move forward.
But, I know I will. This site is amazing & the people here are the ONLY ones that will really understand what you are going through! We are here to support each other & we are all on parallel journeys.
Don't underestimate the "sex" thing-for a man this is very important. And even though you believed it was fine, it he was having ED for a long period of time, you can believe it was NOT fine for him (not your fault at all, but he might be looking for a solution w OW that he's NOT going to find...as indicated by his bopping around from one OW to the next.
Breathe. Take one day at a time. One hour at a time if you need to. It will get better over time- YOU will get through this, w or w/o him. Believe in your own strength.
Use this time to focus on your kids (I know this is really, really hard, when all you can seem to do is focus on HIM). Then focus on YOU. This is not an easy thing to get through--in fact, it may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but you have us here.
Hang in there, Itina!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
It is hard. I have got IC. She seems ok. I really have to push myself at the moment to get up and do things.
Husband wants to remain friends. Comes over to Pick up boys like nothing is wrong. Moved out like it was a normal thing to do (like honey I'm off to work)
He is like a stranger at the moment
I know the sex was a big thing. But how do you fix a problem like ED. Sigh
good thing you found this forum- i've found it to be a real savior for me.
i'd say most people (and CERTAINLY FAMILY ) don't get it- what you're trying to do, how very very difficult it is to just "let go".
i'm no expert- just someone with 35 yrs invested in a r that now finds myself in your boat as well- everything just "went wrong" suddenly it seems- i tried and tried- he was not as straightforward as your h sounds. mine had ed problem- said it was okay, and "no big deal" - but to him it apparently was- it is my own believe that his on-line "affairs" with a couple ow from his youth- just began taking over - not htat i'm a sex star- but i honestly believe it was guilt and his other activities that caused it.
mind you- i think lust & sex are products more of our brain's attraction than ahyting else.
anyway- MY POINT - i just thought i'd weigh in. i found out about ow and ea about 1.5 yr ago (for real). thought i'd die- no kidding- walked around in a fog of misery so thick you could cut it with a knife. i am dbing and just taking one day at a time. it's trite- but true. just get thru today, just try to sleep tonite- that's about it.
i'm somewhat "better" now- still dbing- still clueless - the ed seems to me like a problem i'll never be able to solve- half the time i want to throw in the towel- the other half i believe my h has a brain and if he can get over the excitement of new sex & ow & ea????? there is a possibility that what we had (which was quite good really) will have value again. it may be a hopeless proposition- i realize that now- but for the moment i am feeling stronger about the prospect of life alone if it ends up that way. i make myself do more things with more people outside the house - gal - I'M TRYING this-
MY INITIAL response , aside from the anger, why why why, insult- devastation (total utter devastation) and broken heart- WAS: WHY SHOUDL i hand over my life and let HIM decide it's over - make me miserable blah blah blah.
i picked up this divorce buster book- it described him & me to a T and i figured - worth a shot. I HATED THE THOUGHT of going down without a fight. just who i am.
that's my motivation at the moment. i'm garnering my own strength (of spirit i guess); i'm "just seeing" til i either know for sure i am done with him in my life altogether or he finishes it with me forever. one way or the other- who knows. i'm just keeping busy- keeping sane- keeping healthy - keeping on working on some things about me i can fix hopefully--
the sex thing is such a tough one- i cannot even imagine how we'll turn out. my h is convinced i think that he will never desire me again- me, i think it's new-ness & excitement and i can see him (objectively) trying desperately to be the guy he was in college.
i just don't know honestly how it will turn out. daily i want to have a giant blow-out and walk away. something stops me- i can't "let go" just yet - so i don't. don't let everyone else tell you what to do - after the dust settles - you're going to have to feel you did all you could or satisfied with your response/actions. if you can't root down to what it is you want- maybe db and float along til it bams you on the head and you know for sure.
that's what i'm trying todo- i can feel your pain. i didn't try to kill myself- but i was very surprised to find myself "not minding" the thought of being dead rather than alive. i'm not a end it all kind of gal- .
if you've got kids- you're very very lucky - hone in on all the good things you have- do it every single time you feel crappy - remind yourself of something good- there are plenty- even if it's being alive & healthy- and keep moving.
good luck- hope that was lucid. i'm not at my best in mornings- but we're all in your boat- it feels crazy most of the time and i'm bumbling along hoping i'm handling it okay- maybe am, maybe not- trying. it's all one can do. the pain will get a little better after some time- it sounds dopey to you i'm sure- i swear i thought it would kill me- and i was sorry for eery person i know who went thru it- and i didn't understand how very very awful it was.. now i do- no one should ever have to feel it- seems millions of folks do every minute of every day. we all can survive it i believe-
One point I didn't see anyone bring up, sry if they did.
Like many on this board has said:
WAS will try to justify their reasons for leaving. And they are confused. One day it may be b/c of one thing, another day it might be something totally contradictive.
Don't put too much faith into what he says.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
