Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[sam4nh]

So this morning I had my first interaction with my W since last Thursday. I received a voice mail from someone who was looking for her (I think they called my number by accident, since our cell numbers are just one digit off) for a urgent message. This came in around 4:35am so I did not hear the phone ring. When I got up this morning, I saw that I had a message, listend to it and wrote down the specifics.

I texted my W since this was "urgent" to let her know and tried to forward the vmail. She responded with some questions about the vmail and I tried to explain as briefly as possible. She said she had no clue and was going to ignore it. It was weird since it came to my phone but the asked specifically for her. So it's her issue if she misses something not mine. She then texted and asked "How are u? How are the dogs?" I said, "Everyone is good. Have a great week." She just said Thanks. My question and I'm really trying hard here, is did that seem to cold hearted? I did what I thought I should do by following the DBing process. I responded with what I thought was nice comment and left it at that....?

[TSquared2]

You did well, imo...cordial, no pressure, responsible.



T^2

[job]

You did the right thing.

[sam4nh]

So more fun dancing with the W. A little while ago she texts me ( I am paraphrasing) "Do you know when you are traveling for Christmas yet?" followed by "I want to make plans with my mom". I personally like the "yet" at the end of the sentence. Get the feeling she does not want me anywhere near the house while "her" family is in town and is getting impatient that I am not telling her my exact plans. I do feel like biting back since I feel myself getting very angry at her for all of the BS.

I know I need to respond because she wants to make her plans for Christmas too. It just irks me that she can pester me to do something asap, but heaven forbid that I ask a question like that to her. It would be considered controlling, pursuing and pushy. This just s_cks! I did make my plans to be with my family and I will send a pleasant text back with my date of departure and return.

I seriously am dreading the Christmas holiday. It seems my W could care less if I if I fell off of the face of the earth. As long as she has her money and house she doesn’t seem to care one f_ing bit if I’m alive or dead. I only can make contact on her terms, when she wants or needs something. OK now I’m just whining. I know, I know.. DETACH!!! Everyone say it..DETACH one, two, three, DETACH for you and me!

[job]

sam,
I'm sorry she's behaving this way. She's trying to control anything and everyone in her life right now because she's out of control herself.

I would text her back when you have the time and advise her of your plans. If her family is coming in from out of town, it could be that they need to make travel arrangements soon. She has divided up the camp, so to speak, as to her family being her family and since in her mind you are now the enemy, she doesn't want you anywhere near them. That's unfortunate, but generally the way the mlc mind works and the family is the same way. Family and friends become possessions during the crisis.

I know it's difficult, but please try not to take this personally. It's her, not you. One thing...stop trying to contact her unless it is an emergency. If she contacts you, sit on the calls/texts for a while and then respond. She knows that you are sitting there waiting for her to contact you. Her majesty needs to learn that life isn't all about her and that you have a life that is just as busy as hers.

Sam, take back your life and plan to do things w/your family over the holidays. Trust me, she's going to miss you while you are away, but she may never admit it. Do not share any details of your holiday w/her...she needs to see that the street runs both ways for now.

[mizjjd]

Hey Sam. Just checking in.

I think I do see a small shift in your attitude ~ toward Detachment-land. Good for you. Doesn't mean that all the BS stops hurting completely of course.

Do something for yourself today, ok?

[sam4nh]

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it and I'm really trying to do the right thing....

I did respond back to my W with "I just sent my itenerary to you for my travel. Have a good day." and then I send the itenary via email with a FYI...My flight information. I did not say anthing more. I got back a "Thanks" and that was the last I heard from her.

Her family lives about 90 minutes from the house, so it may have been the logistics, but I doubt it since they will come when they want anyway.


Thanks for your insight!

[sam4nh]

So here we go again. My W and I are supposed to attend a party on Sunday afternoon to meet up with the people we went to Turkey with in November. She asked me to go with her when her cousin sent the invite and I said probably, but I was not sure. I like her family and get along with them. Today on Facebook her cousin asked if she was attending and her response was, “I am planning on attending”. Nothing about me, but I'm sure that's probably because she is traveling and we've not talked at since the initial invite.

I’m not sure I should attend and the party is about 90 minutes away from where I live and it’s on a Sunday afternoon. Do I go to the party? If I do go do I ride down to the party with her?

[job]

Sam,

This is a tough one. I would contact your w to inquire as to whether you and she will be traveling together or separately since she's still in travel mode. If both of you were invited, you will be able to determine how to handle the invite once you receive her response.

[sam4nh]

Well I've been totally stressed over the last few days. I wish I could say it was this or that, but nothing major has happened. I went to dinner with some friends that were asking me about my W and what was going on. They all are trying to be supportive and I truely appreciate their love and compassion. One of them had been in a relationship for 15 years and her partner up and left her one day after having a PA for months.

They all asked me, "What do I want?" I want my marriage and I am struggling to keep it all together. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying most times. I do have to say that I have not made any moves to be the first to contact my W except when it's urgent. She was away and I feel like I have the world on my sholders.

I have this very uneasy feeling that my W is or has entered into a PA. I don't know why, I have no evidence, I just feel that this cutting me off and not engaging me at all feel like something more devious is going on.

The legal separation papers came from the mediator and I guess part of my uneasy feelings. We now have to take these to the town and file for the separation. Since my W is just getting back from her business trip and I'm leaving for the holidays next week I'm not sure when these will get filed. I'm in no rush, but I think my W wants to "protect herself and feel independent". I've never given her a reason the feel she needs to protect herself against me taking money from our bank accounts, but a friend planted a seed in her head that I could take all of her money and change the locks on the door to make her miserable. That's not me, but I'm very thankful for others planting those negative seeds.

It seems a lot of her "friends" keep planting negative comments about me and what I will do if she separates/divorces me.

When we first started going through the EA with her soul mate (women is now in another relationship, but my W will say she's in love with her and they will love each other forever into the next life), my W would tell the OW and another BFF everything about us. It felt like my whole life was on a TV screen for them to review and comment. My W who I think has very little self-love and esteem would pour her heart and soul to these people (and her coworkers-even those she doesn’t particularly care for, friends, family, extended family, acquaintance’s, etc.) every aspect of why she wants to separate/divorce. And I feel they all gave her the head nod that she was doing the right thing and she should make herself happy and get out of a marriage that was just a disaster. My IC has said that while we were in MC that my wife would may time criticize me and that by her telling friends was her way for to her to justify why she was doing what she was doing even if it is/was wrong. And I wondered why I had such low self-esteem and I did not want to go to dinner or hang out with these “friends”??? What we would ever talk about? How Sam is terrible at this or has done that and been just been an awful person. I know I am not!!!

So I guess today and this week I’m just feeling like I’m tired of it all and want to give up and move on with my life. I want my marriage, but this has been going on for two plus years with the EA and now the separation. I’m on egg shells all the time and feel like I’m not gaining any ground. With the business travel my W is doing, I don’t think she is working on anything and will be just content to wallow on her own and listen to the talking heads give her their opinions which she takes as gospel. I think the soul mate is playing the wait for me and if my relationship doesn’t work out then we can get together and see if we can be a good couple. I will say the women she had/is having the EA with used to be a good friend of mine and has now turn very critical of me since I called her on flirting and sending very inappropriate texts to my W. This is when I found out about them being soul mates and what I identified as an EA. They say they just have a strong emotional connection. Maybe this is because of their like backgrounds and issues as children.

OK enough for my self pity. I'll work through this and become a stronger person in the long term.