Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Thank you all for your comments and prayers. I agree that the sex with other woman and freedom comment was strange and yes, It was just out of no where. Well...it was after we had talked about him not ever coming back. Sex was NEVER an issue in our M...in fact, if I had to, I would say that I was WAY more willing than H. He did have occasional issues that stemed from his ADs he was on...and his libido wasnt what mine was and still is:( H never did mention sex as an issue and quite frankly, that never ceased until literally days before he left. Im not saying that him and OW dont have a great PA, but I do believe that the EA is more important to H and that is almost more damaging.

Im glad to hear that many of you dont think that 4 months is saying he is done, although I do realize that could be the case. Its hard to imagine him wanting to return after he has had the apparently "great thing" going for him.

LIS...thank you for adding in my sitch and for the advice. I always love new perspective! To answer your question, when the OW was first discovered, there was a lot of anger and sadness on both H and I parts and my girls eventually found out as well. There were many times that my girls would refuse to talk to him while he was still living here and became distant. He turned that into "you dont care about me" and that "no one respects me here". I often have thought about that and not to disregard that I was distant too at that point, I think he was saying those things to make an easier decision to leave us. It was soon after that he moved out for good. (Aug 2012).

I must also say that I want the OW to get cranky so badly, but honestly, H and I have next to no communication right now and that has been best for me. It has helped me stop wondering about what he is doing all the time and hearing that he doesnt want to be married anymore. One of the last things he said to me before I decided NC was that I was "so ugly and you will never get another man". This coming from the guy who NEVER had said a mean thing about my looks or called me a bad name in our whole marriage. That just about killed me and I still to this day almost 2 months later, think about that. It was a huge hit to my self esteem. Not to mention, I am pregnant and Im still his wife. It was awful. That was the same day he told me how much he loved the OW. It was then I knew I had to totally go NC, as he was destroying me inside.

We have since had MINOR text convos and actually just this afternoon he texted me again saying he has extra $$ and wants to know what he can get me for the baby. This is his 2nd request. I do plan on answering him tonight...just to say that a crib would be great.

I have some really great weeks where I feel that life is getting a tad better and then whoosh...down the slope I go into sadness. These past few days have been sadness:( I know that pregnancy has some to do with it too. It is very sad to know that in 12 weeks I will be having a baby boy and H will not be there to enjoy the occasion with me. No one knows that pain...not one family member or friend will ever know the pain I feel when I think of that:( Its really heart wrenching.

I have continued since the beginning to focus on my girls and my unborn baby. I also have started to get better about focusing on me as well. I do know in my heart that I will be okay without him. I know that I will heal. I watched my mom heal from losing her H (my stepdad) to cancer. She is happy now, 4 years later. But there were times that her loneliness was unbearable. I feel that way too...even with my girls here, that the loneliness is so hard. I just want to pick up the phone and tell H everything...everything he has missed in the 4 months he has been gone..but I know that I cannot.

I know that detachment is key...and Im really, truely trying. I have also done some 180s. They are things he will not ever notice, becuase he is not around, but I have done them for me to feel better because of them.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and I love getting on and reading the encouragement! Reading these forums has saved me from so very sad days!

Sweetbriar