LBS gearing up for the long haul

[Dm45]

It's set for Saturday....tree trimming, dinner cooked by me, no movie. Crowds sometimes make her nervous right now and she doesn't want that in front of kids.

S20 and D17 may have work, but S16 is definitely in. He also likes to cook sometimes so hope we can make it a team effort.

Want to talk to her about Christmas...of course id love to spend whole time with her here.

And as long as I'm here I may as well say this: Pissed about probability that OM will buy my W gifts. And possibility she will buy him gifts. I know there is nothing I can do about it. But that's the definition of frustration.

I want to take my W out on New Years Eve. Weve always made it special. This has always been our prime "dating season" with holidays, anniversary together, then her birthday early January. I want all those dates...controlling? Expecting?need to cool it. Do i want those dates While I am pissed...more about the sitch than at her now, I THINK?

So much positive to focus on. Stress comes when I think about these dates. I see them as key times to build upon progress...That's why I want to seize control of them. I need to work my self back into the frame of mind I had before anniversary date...hopeful, prepared, not expecting, ready to drop my plans.

I know in her heart she WANTS to spend all of Xmas w/kids. What mom wouldn't? I want her to. I think I'll offer to go to my brothers for part of the day a)to give her a break from me b)shes not ready to socialize w/my family, especially large scale.

This Saturday I am going to get her in a REALLY good mood and test the waters for the new year thing.

Positives: everything between W and I for the past week, maybe more (considering...). The negatives are in my head.

[25yearsmlc]

It's set for Saturday....tree trimming, dinner cooked by me, no movie. Crowds sometimes make her nervous right now and she doesn't want that in front of kids.

S20 and D17 may have work, but S16 is definitely in. He also likes to cook sometimes so hope we can make it a team effort.

Want to talk to her about Christmas...of course id love to spend whole time with her here.

see how this Saturday goes and try to let go of what YOU want...for now

And as long as I'm here I may as well say this: Pissed about probability that OM will buy my W gifts. And possibility she will buy him gifts. I know there is nothing I can do about it. But that's the definition of frustration.


IT IS frustrating but since you have no control over it, what do you think is best to do?

I want to take my W out on New Years Eve.

We know...that's what YOU want...

Weve always made it special. This has always been our prime "dating season" with holidays, anniversary together, then her birthday early January. I want all those dates...controlling? Expecting?need to cool it. Do i want those dates While I am pissed...more about the sitch than at her now, I THINK?

maybe you have your answers


So much positive to focus on. Stress comes when I think about these dates. I see them as key times to build upon progress...That's why I want to seize control of them.

Lose the ILLUSION you have, of control. Control YOU and work on YOU.



I need to work my self back into the frame of mind I had before anniversary date...hopeful, prepared, not expecting, ready to drop my plans.

why "ready to drop" your plans?


I know in her heart she WANTS to spend all of Xmas w/kids. What mom wouldn't? I want her to.

SIGH...we know what YOU WANT...but don't mind read. Ask her or invite her, or don't.


I think I'll offer to go to my brothers for part of the day a)to give her a break from me b)shes not ready to socialize w/my family, especially large scale.

This Saturday I am going to get her in a REALLY good mood and test the waters for the new year thing.

Control much?

Positives: everything between W and I for the past week, maybe more (considering...). The negatives are in my head.

back off and savor the good stuff. Focus on the positives. See how Saturday goes and then if it's all good, MAYBE invite her, at least for Christmas morning (or whatever is the most special time for your family)

and know that any time on Christmas, spent with OM, will not necessarily be happy time.

It might be just the opposite.

[Dm45]

IT IS frustrating but since you have no control over it, what do you think is best to do?

Arson comes to mind yes, I know...detach, work on the only thing I CAN control, which is ME.

why "ready to drop" your plans?

As a gesture of letting go of expectations, control? ie Saturday fun was a surprise to her, so I was prepped to gracefully not follow through. I offered to change plans when she mentioned office party, then again later when she felt anxiety at the club.

As for this week's plans, I wanted to go out for movie, as well, but backed off when she resisted.

Formerly I would tend to say "Here's what we're doing." Now I'm trying to tend toward, ""Here's my idea, what do you think?" trying to balance that with a certain amount of take charge and get things done.

and know that any time on Christmas, spent with OM, will not necessarily be happy time.

It might be just the opposite.

Why didn't I think of that? Knowing her, and her value of this time, and what she's been saying...I'd say it's PROBABLY not happy time.

I proposed to her Christmas eve 1990, we married December 1991. Can't help but wonder what it will look like when she's ready to make a move. Will she just say "ready to move forward, come back," will she wait for me to ask?

[Dm45]

A little more travel on the "road map

• Talked to 2 online colleges, 2 community colleges. Visited one of the CC, the one I attended in 1980's. Seems one humanities class plus a science lab would get me AA in general studies there by spring. All doable on line. Not sure of the value of that.
  
  Pursuing computer science curriculums at others as that was my career before starting sports business 13 yrs ago.
• S20 will be at tree trimming! This will be 1st time W has seen him since DDAY, and he only communicated w/her once, via text, 2 weeks or so later. I have been telling him "mom needs to feel like she is welcomed home, and she will be loved, respected and accepted" Hopefully reuniting with him will be healing for her.

Meanwhile, today was an INSANE day emotionally...edge of tears all morning at college, Nearly two hours of open weeping when I got home. Went on a walk on farm to let it all out where S16 couldn't see. Usually, at least lately, it has been only a few minutes, and I am able to figure out the specific thought regarding sitch that brings it on.

Today, not so, other than just lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely.

Called pastor during, as at one point i saw no end in sight. he said normal, that I probably need that release once in a while, if I am trying to be so strong for all this around kids, W when I see her, others, and holidays, too.

[Dm45]

Thinking I may be depressed, I read (skimmed) a book today called "Feeling Good:the New Mood Therapy" while waiting in line.

I don't remember if I heard about it here or not. I may have read about it when I looked at Ann Brecht (sp?) site which I know I heard about here somewhere.

Anyone have any luck with this book, or things like it? Ie cognitive therapy. I skimmed it pretty fast, wanting to know if I'm depressed or might be and really looking for techniques to block my funk when it comes, and detach.

I gravitated to chap 9:Sadness Is Not Depression and based on what I read there and on the author's assertion that depression always comes with decrease in self esteem, I think I may not be depressed but just incredibly sad.

I think my weeping today may have been because I was sad about being sad about being lonely, if that makes sense at all, and reading about it tipped the scale.

I don't feel a complete loss of self esteem, still think I'm darn good at certain things, that I am basically a worthwhile person, who lost my way in the husbanding department for a while but will work my way back. I know I'm a great catch, and for W, the best.

I really have been pretty "up" relatively sometimes of late, and today was, well, sad, and I wasn't dwelling on negatives, so really confusing. I was able to keep it together while out by being thankful for the recent positives and baby steps, but when I got home it was like a floodgate let go.

[Dm45]

W visited last night for tree decoration. A little background: always emotionally charged event for both of us. My mom deceased 2002, and her dad, deceased 2010 both made Christmas wonderful for us. Tree trimming time we both get sentimental, briefly melancholy etc. as those memories resurface.

My intention was for this night to be a chance for her to see the new me more, which is actually the old me from early on.

She arrived and S20 and I had tree standing, with lights. S16 babysitting nephew, D17 working.

The house was immaculate, full of Christmas smells, and fresh bread in the oven. Found a new recipe for shrimp, one of her favorites. Table set nice, w/poinsettia centerpiece. Handed her a bloody Mary after I took her coat.

The sentimentality did show up as we decorated...positive I think. feelings are still there.

Big positive I think, hope is S20 and W reconnecting. Now she knows she is loved by each member of the family, we all want her back. S20 kind and loving to her. Proud of him as usual.

Desert was homemade pound cake (another of her favorites) with ice cream and fried bananas.

Watched a little of a movie, she gave me a hug, and left.

Fewer baby steps this time, but still there. Shes hoping to visit briefly today. Also said she's trying to get things right to come back or some words to that effect.

[Dm45]

Some confessions, questions, and I need a 2x4 or three...

Last week, on tues and Wed, I decided to "test the waters" since we had some baby steps. I initiated contact. (I believe for first time that wasn't planned ahead) tues convo documented above. Wed, temp had dropped quickly, texted "Cold outside W". Used her full first name instead of shortened. That's a thing we do between each other when being playful. No text back. Didn't sweat it, though maybe it contributed to my bad Thursday. Didn't hear from her until she asked what time to come to dinner on Saturday morning.

Saturday evening I said I always worry if I text and no answer, that I understand if she can't talk right then but some sort of acknowledgement, even if later, would be appreciated. She said ok to that.

Saturday evening she said she might get gifts wrapped and bring them over today, perhaps hang out for a while. Her words. Had plans to shop with girlfriend in morning. (she hates shopping so much that DDAY came in part because she told me in sept she was shopping at mall with girlfriend and i didnt believe her. Pressed her on it and she confessed..tis the season, though, so i let it go)

Said she would tell me if she got done and was coming, either way.

At 4:20 I got a little miffed that she hadn't told me anything yet. Called her. No answer. Her voicemail is not set up. Called immediately again, no answer, then 3 more times over 45 minutes. Texted "Would you please tell me whether you are OK?"

A half hour later she texted, "I'm fine. Sorry. My phone was off and I didn't know it."

what I did not say was "You have an iPhone. I have an iPhone. I have never unintentionally turned mine off. Don't think it's really possible you didn't know it was off."

Called her. Told her was worried. Told her I felt like we left it that she would be contacting me. Said she hadn't got to it yet. Was short with me, wanted to end call. I said "what are you busy?" she said yes.........don't know why I asked that because it really didn't help to know, it pissed me off, and my stupid mind wondered what she was busy doing that she turned off phone. Stupid a$$.

I don't remember what I said to make her say "I just need time and I feel a lot of pressure" I know for sure I didn't ask her to come home or what she was so busy doing.

I said "I know, know, know you need time, and I'm trying not to pressure. I'm sorry. My mind just reels sometimes, can you understand?" she said yes.

I said I was hoping for the hangout... She said she felt bad, and I know she does...sore throat last night, a little coughing on phone...and she opens surgery center on Monday so early to bed, to rise.

My question is was it too soon to initiate a contact? My thought is, if I can do it without pursuing, and without getting bent out of shape, then trying to initiate every few days might be ok?

I wish I could just be numb until this gets better. I had calmed down but rereading this got me going again.

I feel like I've had a relapse. Swing away.

[LITB]

I don't remember what I said to make her say "I just need time and I feel a lot of pressure" I know for sure I didn't ask her to come home or what she was so busy doing.

There it is DM. Quit putting pressure on her. It is as clear as day. Hell, I am piecing and I have to be cognizant of putting too much pressure on my W. I know how difficult it can be.

We want on needs to be met. We place expectations on our spouses. When they are not met, we come away disappointed. That old familiar emotional roller coaster.

Here's the thing. Try not to take these things personal. Your W is trying to find her way, just as you are. I know for my W, she must exorcise her own demons. They are not mine to fix. She must take the initiative to get to a better place. I must just get out of the way, be supportive and encouraging. Most importantly, try to lead my setting a positive example by working on myself.

Be a positive influence DM. Not a source of pressure.

My question is was it too soon to initiate a contact? My thought is, if I can do it without pursuing, and without getting bent out of shape, then trying to initiate every few days might be ok?

Let her initiate contact. When she does, make the most of these opportunities.

I like to use the marble analogy.

Let's say for argument sake you have a jar containing 25 marbles that represent your "opportunities". Every time you have an interaction with your W, a marble must be removed from the opportunity jar and placed in either the "positive interaction" or "negative interaction" jar. Obviously the goal is to place all of your marbles in the positive jar.

Unfortunately there are no guarantees, however you want to be able to look back at this time in the future knowing that you did everything possible to make things work.

At the end of the day, that's all we can do.

[25yearsmlc]

Some confessions, questions, and I need a 2x4 or three...

Last week, on tues and Wed, I decided to "test the waters" since we had some baby steps.


When you have baby steps it means you are doing something right, or at least not a lot wrong. You DO NOT CHANGE course then.

I initiated contact. (I believe for first time that wasn't planned ahead) tues convo documented above. Wed, temp had dropped quickly, texted "Cold outside W". Used her full first name instead of shortened. That's a thing we do between each other when being playful. No text back. Didn't sweat it, though maybe it contributed to my bad Thursday. Didn't hear from her until she asked what time to come to dinner on Saturday morning.

What's to say to that text? it's obvious pursuit in the guise of meaningless obseravation...

Saturday evening I said I always worry if I text and no answer, that I understand if she can't talk right then but some sort of acknowledgement, even if later, would be appreciated. She said ok to that.

SIGH... What you said was = "I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME!"...as if you have the "right" to that. You think b/c she said "ok" to that, it's a victory or that you were "right"? Nope...

Saturday evening she said she might get gifts wrapped and bring them over today, perhaps hang out for a while. Her words. Had plans to shop with girlfriend in morning. (she hates shopping so much that DDAY came in part because she told me in sept she was shopping at mall with girlfriend and i didnt believe her. Pressed her on it and she confessed..tis the season, though, so i let it go)

You're backsliding. Do NOT PRESS her on anything. What are you trying to do, push her away?

Said she would tell me if she got done and was coming, either way.

At 4:20 I got a little miffed

your self inflicted control issue AGAIN...OMG....stop this! Get a grip~you are backsliding dangerously.


that she hadn't told me anything yet. Called her.

wait, she didn't OBEY you and answer your text right then? So of COURSE you HAD to call her....how DARE she not call right back....Hey, what are you doing? You're acting like a nutty bully.


No answer. Her voicemail is not set up. Called immediately again, no answer, then 3 more times over 45 minutes. Texted "Would you please tell me whether you are OK?"

Well at least you were consistently PERSISTENTLY obnoxious and weird and controlling...great progress!

A half hour later she texted, "I'm fine. Sorry. My phone was off and I didn't know it."

[b]what I did not say was "You have an iPhone. I have an iPhone. I have never unintentionally turned mine off. Don't think it's really possible you didn't know it was off."[/b]

You'd be even more idiotic to have said that too. You said plenty to show you are not in charge of your bullying tactics and that many of your so called changes only "work" when things go well. That is NOT the test of whether change is real.

The test for whether change is real is how you react when things do NOT go your way. So far, you don't pass...

Called her. Told her was worried.

which we ALL know was a lie. You were NOT "worried" so don't pretend to be.

You were angry as evidenced by your petulant "almost" said words about the Iphone. Gee, what if she was busy and didn't feel like talking to you? is that "allowed" with the new you?


Told her I felt like we left it that she would be contacting me. Said she hadn't got to it yet. Was short with me, wanted to end call. I said "what are you busy?" she said yes.........don't know why I asked that because it really didn't help to know, it pissed me off, and my stupid mind wondered what she was busy doing that she turned off phone. Stupid a$$.

yep
next time she's short with you BACK OFF...do you actually have no idea why? That CANNOT be the case here, b/c she had good reason for being upset with you. You're a control freak.

FWIW, I HATE it when my kids or h text me non stop, as if there's NOTHING I could be doing that is as important as what they want THEN...and all you wanted to ask was her ETA so who cares that she hadn't answered? She'd tell you when she was on her way...sheesh...

SELF INFLICTED INJURY TO YOU


I don't remember what I said to make her say "I just need time and I feel a lot of pressure" I know for sure I didn't ask her to come home or what she was so busy doing.

are you kidding? You "don't know what you said or did to make her say" that?
Really??
Read this post!!!! It could not be clearer. You said everything BUT to come home...and your constant calls ARE the SAME as asking/interrupting whatever she is doing. It's obnoxious my friend.


I said "I know, know, know you need time, and I'm trying not to pressure. I'm sorry. My mind just reels sometimes, can you understand?" she said yes.


Get a hold of your MIND and reel it IN...and YOU ARE trying to pressure her. Stop it and stop lying about it.

I said I was hoping for the hangout...


She said she felt bad, and I know she does...sore throat last night, a little coughing on phone...and she opens surgery center on Monday so early to bed, to rise.

My question is was it too soon to initiate a contact?

YES...she did not answer your text, she gave you NO indication she wanted to see OR speak to you then. In fact clearly she wanted NONE of that but you asked her and then you said what YOU WANTED (to hang out) and then she said she was sick...man you need to pick up on obvious signals faster and STOP the pursuit.

next time you want to initiate, send a text that requires a response of sorts BUT not with that expectation...like "The snow is piling up here. Do you have snow tires?" If you get no answer, then do NOT pursue or feign "worry"...it's not "worry" unless you mean "worry About OM" but to me it's pure controlling pursuit. Leave her be now.



My thought is, if I can do it without pursuing, and without getting bent out of shape, then trying to initiate every few days might be ok?

I don't believe that^^ is possible with you, any time soon.

You think saying your "Mind reels" is some sort of justification and it's not. It means you are not in control of your thoughts. Big backslide. LEARN FROM IT.

I wish I could just be numb until this gets better. I had calmed down but rereading this got me going again.

I feel like I've had a relapse. Swing away.

I think I have been swinging enough for now

[Crimson]

Dude - you pretty much did have a relapse. It happens, shake it off and deal with the fallout. I am not sure if you see it or not, but things like that really set you back a ways. I am speaking from a place I know (ask 25 or anyone else who has followed me).

Here's the deal - there is a skill and inner-strength required to not text and call - especially in the stage you're in at the moment. After she replied to your first text - just let it slide. If she texts you back on her way, great - if not, act like you don't care (I got good at acting). When I over texted W because I didn't get a response or a call-back I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. Much later she let me know that she did not like the excessive texting at all. After that, I really felt like an a$$, because I knew she was right....I was chasing...pressuring.

****PRESSURE IS NOT HOW YOU DEFINE IT; IT'S HOW SHE DEFINES IT****

I never woke up in the morning and thought "I think I am going to pressure my STBX today".....but she sure as hell took it like that. It is hard to do, but look at things from her perspective....it will save you....a lot.

DM, I am going to share with you something that has really helped me along the way: break up with your iPhone.

I stopped bringing it out with me if I was with friends. If I am at home, I frequently leave it upstairs or away from me. When I go to lunch at work it stays on my desk. The benefits are many:

1.) It kept me from texting too much
2.) It kept me from looking at my phone hoping for W to text
3.) It forced me to be engaged with people when out

After awhile, I just got to the point where not texting a lot was much easier. And if I looked at my phone after 3 or for hours there often was a message from W. And if not, I was OK. iPhones (and the like) are the worst thing for DB'ing. And trust me - I was a chronic abuser....W pointed that out on the day she dropped the bomb.

Until you can get the need for a response to everything under control, divorce your phone! And remember that just because you didn't get the response you wanted (or a response at all) doesn't mean that your message was not received or appreciated.

Crimson