Been thinking about you, as I often do! I'm so sorry you are having a hard time latey. Could be pregnancy, could be the holidays, could be the timing & his recent random texts to give you back some hope.
In any case there IS still hope if you BELIEVE there is. But I agree w LIS, that detachment is the key to being happier w/o him for now. I'm no expert at that as I am struggling w this too, but I understand the necessity of it.
I am peeved that your IC said all the things he did! And, like LIS, I disagree w him on many counts. It sounds like IC is doing some mind-reading! I bet he's rarely come across someone so strong as yourself for believing in your M, despite where it seems to be right now! And, everything I've read (and I've read A LOT lately) about MLC suggests it can happen to anyone 30+-55ish! So, it is definitely possible your H is in a full-MLC, like it sounds.
Our H's sound similar in their R w OW in that my H has a "solid friendship" w OW and is extremely emotionall attached. I too wonder how/if he could ever give her up...but only time will tell.
I do think your H is going to be coming around MORE when this baby is born. This is HIS SON! How can he NOT?!! Maybe he'll see it as a "fresh start" since he hasn't already messed up a R w this new little person.
I know Accuray is all about the solid DBing rules & that's why we are all here- to follow them & get through this by taking the higher ground & saving ourselves.
Having said that I don't think it is horrible to let your H know you are thinking about him once in a while (okay, hope I don't get kicked off the boards or lots of 2x4s my way). I sent my H a little "Just sending you a hug" card this week. No expectations for a response, no pursuing, just letting him know that I still care for him w/o the big "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH & MY HEART IS BREAKING EVERY DAY YOU ARE GONE SO PLEASE, PRETTY, PLEASE CONSIDER LEAVING THE OW TO COME HOME TO YOUR FAMILY." It's subtle & I think okay. It made ME feel better and how could that possible be a bad thing for him?
Anyway, wish I was closer to visit and chat in person--love to sit together & give you face-to-face moral support! (((HUGS)))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hope here is a funny thing. Being very spiritual, I cannot overestimate the power of positive thinking… However, it’s a matter of where we put our energy.
When our spouses leave, their thinking is that there is no way they can ever be happy with us. And we come here often thinking that there is no way we can ever be happy without them. What so many of us fail to realize is that these thoughts are two sides of the same coin.
We hope they realize that they can be happy with us. But, more important, is that we need to get to a point where we realize that we can be happy without them. We really need to understand that we will be ok either way. And truly, it is one of the greatest gifts of this process. If he comes back after that, you are both in a much healthier position. Because both of you realize that you are ok either way, the awareness is that you have come back together because you WANT to be together. Out of that, you can both make a commitment to work. We tend to be a lot more motivated when we are doing what we WANT.
What I am trying to say, in a not too articulate way is, put your hope in YOU, your changes, your healing. I am praying for you.
Thank you all for your comments and prayers. I agree that the sex with other woman and freedom comment was strange and yes, It was just out of no where. Well...it was after we had talked about him not ever coming back. Sex was NEVER an issue in our M...in fact, if I had to, I would say that I was WAY more willing than H. He did have occasional issues that stemed from his ADs he was on...and his libido wasnt what mine was and still is:( H never did mention sex as an issue and quite frankly, that never ceased until literally days before he left. Im not saying that him and OW dont have a great PA, but I do believe that the EA is more important to H and that is almost more damaging.
Im glad to hear that many of you dont think that 4 months is saying he is done, although I do realize that could be the case. Its hard to imagine him wanting to return after he has had the apparently "great thing" going for him.
LIS...thank you for adding in my sitch and for the advice. I always love new perspective! To answer your question, when the OW was first discovered, there was a lot of anger and sadness on both H and I parts and my girls eventually found out as well. There were many times that my girls would refuse to talk to him while he was still living here and became distant. He turned that into "you dont care about me" and that "no one respects me here". I often have thought about that and not to disregard that I was distant too at that point, I think he was saying those things to make an easier decision to leave us. It was soon after that he moved out for good. (Aug 2012).
I must also say that I want the OW to get cranky so badly, but honestly, H and I have next to no communication right now and that has been best for me. It has helped me stop wondering about what he is doing all the time and hearing that he doesnt want to be married anymore. One of the last things he said to me before I decided NC was that I was "so ugly and you will never get another man". This coming from the guy who NEVER had said a mean thing about my looks or called me a bad name in our whole marriage. That just about killed me and I still to this day almost 2 months later, think about that. It was a huge hit to my self esteem. Not to mention, I am pregnant and Im still his wife. It was awful. That was the same day he told me how much he loved the OW. It was then I knew I had to totally go NC, as he was destroying me inside.
We have since had MINOR text convos and actually just this afternoon he texted me again saying he has extra $$ and wants to know what he can get me for the baby. This is his 2nd request. I do plan on answering him tonight...just to say that a crib would be great.
I have some really great weeks where I feel that life is getting a tad better and then whoosh...down the slope I go into sadness. These past few days have been sadness:( I know that pregnancy has some to do with it too. It is very sad to know that in 12 weeks I will be having a baby boy and H will not be there to enjoy the occasion with me. No one knows that pain...not one family member or friend will ever know the pain I feel when I think of that:( Its really heart wrenching.
I have continued since the beginning to focus on my girls and my unborn baby. I also have started to get better about focusing on me as well. I do know in my heart that I will be okay without him. I know that I will heal. I watched my mom heal from losing her H (my stepdad) to cancer. She is happy now, 4 years later. But there were times that her loneliness was unbearable. I feel that way too...even with my girls here, that the loneliness is so hard. I just want to pick up the phone and tell H everything...everything he has missed in the 4 months he has been gone..but I know that I cannot.
I know that detachment is key...and Im really, truely trying. I have also done some 180s. They are things he will not ever notice, becuase he is not around, but I have done them for me to feel better because of them.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and I love getting on and reading the encouragement! Reading these forums has saved me from so very sad days!
Sweetbriar
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.”
~Ramona L. Anderson
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Hope here is a funny thing. Being very spiritual, I cannot overestimate the power of positive thinking… However, it’s a matter of where we put our energy.
When our spouses leave, their thinking is that there is no way they can ever be happy with us. And we come here often thinking that there is no way we can ever be happy without them. What so many of us fail to realize is that these thoughts are two sides of the same coin.
We hope they realize that they can be happy with us. But, more important, is that we need to get to a point where we realize that we can be happy without them. We really need to understand that we will be ok either way. And truly, it is one of the greatest gifts of this process. If he comes back after that, you are both in a much healthier position. Because both of you realize that you are ok either way, the awareness is that you have come back together because you WANT to be together. Out of that, you can both make a commitment to work. We tend to be a lot more motivated when we are doing what we WANT.
What I am trying to say, in a not too articulate way is, put your hope in YOU, your changes, your healing. I am praying for you.
LIS
So simple yet so difficult to fully comprehend. Wonderfully said.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
"IC says that 4 months is awhile for him to be gone and that the longer they are gone they usually just keep on moving forward and stay gone."
your IC doesn't have a crystal ball. keep working on yourself and living as if you will be fine without him.
next week will be the one-year anniversary of my BD. my H wants to reconcile. i'm not sure i do. every sitch is different. i can't believe your IC is so negative. you might consider getting a new one.
((((())))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I felt I need to write here this morning even though nothing new in sitch. I have this huge desire to contact H and I know it will get me nowhere. I have not made any first moves toward contact since Oct and that is big for me! I know in the grand scheme of things this is nothing, but its big for me. Then, after awhile, I get these urges to just let him know I am thinking about him.
How are you ever supposed to speak their LL when you dont see or talk to them? H is very depressed and needs to hear words of affirmation regularly. I want to let him know Im thinking of him but of course, wont do it because I dont want to pursue. This is so hard!! I thought If I came here and heard words of encourgement it might help!
I keep fantasizing that he will come home...or that he will call and want to talk or text and want to talk...but it just doesn't happen. He continues to seek out the kids, which is good, but they wont go with him on weekends at all. I think that is why the tears start from him when they do go with him...becuase he can live in a fantasy world all week and then once a week sees his kids and maybe reality sets in that he doesn't even know they now? I will never know how a WAS can just up and leave and not think the life they led was good. Can he just not see what he has done or does he know and not want to face it?
News of his new job and his desire to move out on his own only solidifies that he is still running away from everything and needs to be on his own. I just cannot help but feel that once he gets his new place that he will be gone forever. He will never move home again:(
I have been dreaming about him and thinking about him way more this past week than I have in a month. Is this normal? Some weeks I dont care what he is doing at all and just go on with my life but this week has thrown me for a loop!
I will not contact him...I will not contact him...I will not contact him....
I spent a lot of time this weekend with my girls...hanging out, movies, making cookies (although they didnt help much with those!) and usually these things feel so great...this weekend I just felt a huge part of me was missing...and I want him back:( I think the texts he sent have put me into this mindset...I just cannot seem to handle even nice texts from him because I want to read into them and believe that he really does think of me and care...
Uggg...Im just so sad today...
I am replying to this post before continuing on with reading the others SB..It is normal to feel like you do, so do I and I can't even blame it on hormones. But Accuray (I think) posted that they know we have not moved on, so they assume we are the same people as we were. Of course, that makes so much sense...why would you want to talk and communicate with the person you left? The person whom you felt nothing for anymore? A much safer bet is the SB who has not been contacting H (notice he came to you?). The SB who casually responds to texts a bit later and who has sat her Ds down and said in no uncertain terms that we do not treat people like that.
I am not pregnant and I am not in your situation, I admire every single day you get up, continue to be a fabulous Mom and the fact that you get through each day, but hear me on this;
You have to travel this road yourself. No one said it would be easy and no one said it would be so hard. And it s@cks, it really really s@cks. But if you let the regret and the bitterness fill you now, you will be no farther than you are today and it is going to be just as hard to start walking the road in 2,6 or 12 months from now.
I, for one, am putting Acc's advice into play and moving on. I had thought I was (but I really wasn't and neither are you)
SS...I'm so happy for you that your H wants to R! I only dream of that day for myself and my H. Who knows....
Ruby...I know that moving on is the key but I feel like its really hard during the holidays to not get stuck in thinking of H:( I have tried really hard to concentrate on my and my kids. Some days are very hard to get up and get moving! Im not going to lie, being pregnant is hard stuff during this. Its one more attachment I have to him, every time the baby kicks!
I keep thinking that it will get easier and it has gotten a bit better, but moving on is harder than I ever thought possible.
Tonight I was busy and H had texted earlier today about the baby stuff he could buy...well, I didnt respond right away (he texted at like 1pm) so tonight I get another text at like 6:30pm saying
"at the very least, I deserve a prompt response when something comes up"
I was kind of annoyed at this, becuase he doesnt deserve a prompt response, but I did end up texting him back about 30 mins ago about buying a crib and a dresser for the nursery. I was nice, a usual now and he even had the nerve to ask me if there was any chance he could come to any of my appointments I had left...this was shocking! Im not sure how I want to respond to that one yet....I do have another sonogram appt in Jan that I could invite him to...but I still feel like having him there while he is dating OW is uncomfortable to me...any advice on this from anyone? Would you let him come after all this time of me being pregnant and him not asking to come? I did tell him in the beginning that he wasn't invited to any appointments. I said this before he moved out (so early Aug) and he has not asked one time to go...so I have just kept it that way. Now he is asking and I don't know what to do? Is this a baby step for him? Don't want to read into anything...
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
i would let him go. it's his son and it would make him feel a part of his life. let him see what he's missing. it may also upset the OW and make her react badly. that would be a good thing. be the better choice.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I agree with SS. Even though I know a huge part of you wants to say screw you he is the father. You have to be okay with this too though. And not read into it anything that isn't there
