Got through that and it was just an overview of the process, the contact info, and they had us watch a video on how to get through divorce process with least impact to kids. That was really hard for me to watch but got through it with only eyes watering.
After we were done she followed me to car rather then go to hers and she started conversation by saying I only saw negatives for kids in the video. I told her I heard the adults talking about how to make it easiest for the kids to get through this but I also saw and heard the hurt in the kids that talked about what they went through. I said I also related to many of the things they discussed. Others in room were crying but my W said she heard how it's not bad on kids if parents don't argue and can stay friends. She even said we could still keep doing things together. I think she's feeling guilty because the only time she raised her voice in this talk was when she said in past I told her she was destroying the kids by doing this. I calmly corrected her by saying that what I said was this will really hurt the kids and reconciling is better for them but she has to be the one to decide the route we take. She looked at me like she had no recollection of me saying that and she was sure I said it her version. I might start tape recording our conversations because this fog she's in doesn't seem to be letting up...
She then said she thinks we're better off as friends then spouses. She said she doesn't know if I can change to be what she wants or if she can be what I need. I told her to first let me decide what I need and not try to think she knows and that second I know she can because she's done it at times in the past. She said it's never worked in past when we tried to change so no reason to think it will now. It's so frustrating talking with someone that can't get out of the past! Anyway I told her when I'm honest with myself I'm not sure how much I really did try before and said I now know a lot more about being a husband then I did then. I asked her if she felt she had tried and she said she didn't know but said she didn't have any energy to try anymore. I responded with the reason I now think it could be different is because I know the changes I've made and I see how much stronger she now is. She said she isn't confident that hers can last and she could easily fall back to the old ways. I said I understood that concern but what gives me hope is that (1) I have more faith in her then that and (2) neither of us want anything to do with the old ways so I don't see either of us letting that happen. I said one of my biggest changes is that rather then wanting and expecting her to make me happy I now just want to make her happy which I feel will then make me happy. Told her I felt the hardest part in that will be me gaining her trust so she can help me understand how to do that. She said we both come from messed up homes and our kids deserve better and this is the way she sees that happening long term. Said that my dad walked out and she knows I'll never do that and her parents were in a fake marriage full of lies and no emotions. I asked her to think about which scenario would be better for kids since we agree neither of us want the current one so we'll assume that won't continue. Option A is we get divorced with us being friends and kids splitting time between us or option B which is us building a new marriage and staying together as family. She didn't respond but ended conversation with only time will tell but we're proceeding with process. I was complaining about no R talk just a couple days ago and now it's been 3 days in a row and I'm spent and just want a break. She keeps initiating it but ends up saying the exact same things.
One other thing she said when we were discussing change is reason she doesn't believe it will last is because I rarely finish things. She said this in a previous discussion and I need to put some thought into this to try and understand what she's talking about. I've been through a lot of hobbies in my life but I usually finish tasks/ goals that I set. Today it came up when I said I know she can meet my needs if she wanted to because she's filled my love tank in the past and I used example of when I was training for marathon earlier this year. I told her the cards she gave me through that meant the world to me. She responded that it still wasn't enough because I didn't run. Sadly I got injured during training and wasn't able to run (which she knew about) which put me into a little bit of a depression in Aug/ Sept. I got down more because I felt like I let her and the kids down and she really pulled away at that time rather then ask how I was feeling. Now that I think about it she filed 5 days after I was supposed to run... I really need to think about other examples where she put herself out to support me and I failed.
Any feedback on today's talk because I'm just not sure how to take this all in right now. Emotions are still a little strung out though but wanted to record conversation while still fresh in my head.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
