The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[FloydMan]

That is good.

How is your sitch going?

[eyesopen]

I have been doing very well for a couple of weeks, thank you for asking. The roller coaster of emotions has really leveled off. I am less worried about my interactions with my w. And she seems to be noticing that. I say that because she has been talking to me a little more about things that aren't kid related. I am trying hard to just listen, and speak her LL when it seems appropriate.

I continue to try and detach as much as I can, without losing faith in the outcome that I want. Because my w left, there has been other things to worry about, rather than worry about what she is doing. It is those added aspects to my daily life that have helped me detach. It has gotten easier with time, and each day is better than the last.

Set goals for yourself and start driving towards them. Good luck!

[FloydMan]

Thanks eyesopen. Nothing else I can do than detach and look after me and my girls. I love them so much. It is so hard to walk away but no choice.

[eyesopen]

Floyd,

You don't have to walk away if you don't want to. Detaching doesn't mean giving up, more like turning your back to her. And no matter what, you always have a choice. It's your life, make the most of it.

[mamabird]

Hey Floyd,
I have another thought here about what may be going on in your W's head.

You said that she was originally keen on fixing things - cried, begged for forgiveness, the works. You went to MC, she was resistant. Then one day, she did a total 180, said she wanted out and filed for D.

In our sitch, I cried, begged for forgiveness, told him I loved him and wanted it to work. Nothing changed. We went to MC. It has been frustrating for me. Our MC isn't really challenging me but isn't challenging H either. I feel like I've tried everything to get him just to LISTEN and ACCEPT that I'm trying and that I'm sorry. He stands there, arms folded and indignant.

My point is that I'm quickly approaching the point where I want to throw in the towel. I'm trying and trying and trying and nothing's working. H won't budge.

Is this what's going on in your sitch? Are you so married to your hurt and disappointment (no pun intended) that you're pushing her away with it? She knows you are hurt and disappointed, but maybe she doesn't know what she's supposed to do with that. She probably feels like she's apologized and can't understand why you're still so mired in all of it.

You mention how hurt you are in almost every post. Not to minimize that at all... I'm sure it's very genuine and valid for you. What are you doing to move past that though, and how long have you been in this space? Does she see a man who's brooding, wallowing and feeling sorry for himself? Or does she see a man who's picked himself up by the bootstraps and is doing something to move past this? Does she feel like you have accepted her attempts to reconcile or to work things out? Or does she feel punished by you?

If she feels punished by you, I'm not surprised that she's on her way out. Read my sitch and see how many people have told me not to be the victim and not to take my H's crap anymore. Plus, feeling punished pretty much suks. If this is what you are doing, you need to stop.

[FloydMan]

Well today was my B-Day. I went for an annual Christmas tree cut with my daughters and to my brothers family to celebrate B-Day. This was an annual tradition started by my W 19 years ago with my sister-in-law. They were so close and they are so angry with her now. My W did not even look at me in the morning or when we got back. Not a peep, just an angry leer. Then she fought with my younger daughter who would not behave for her. My kids gave me so much love today.
No, I have not been punishing her, but she sure has been punishing me. I suppose I did before (last year), but not looking at it as punishment, just to clear it up once and for all and it got so frustrating. Funny, on my side people have told me not to be the victim and not take her crap … the therapists that know of the A, and family and friends that don’t even know of the A. She was given clear direction from the pros (therapists and books, and manuals) on how to handle it, but she was fixed on doing it ‘her way’.
I think you are right, but both of us did not grasp what we were doing to each other.

[mamabird]

Happy birthday Floyd. Sorry it wasn't one of your best. My H didn't speak to me or look at me on my birthday either. We were separated at the time and I came home to stay with the boys. As soon as I walked in he ran down the stairs and out the door without saying a word. Weird. I'm sure he felt guilty and I'm sure your W does too.

I know that you are wondering why your W can't just come to her senses and get a grip. You are doing all of this work. She is doing nothing. And yet you are getting the short end of the stick and she's treating you like crap, and she just seems to get angrier and angrier. Keep doing your work and try to focus on YOU and not her. This is the advice I have been given and I think it's the only thing that can work with such a stubborn partner.

[FloydMan]

Thanks RegretfulLA...I think you are right. It wad still a gild day. I am very blessed with the 2 best kids and great family in my siblings, mom and extended family. Lifelong friends too of my W and I. The are all dumbfounded by it all. I get secret 'hello's' from my W's father through the kids. He does not want W to know. Her folks live me a lot and have always treated me well. She has childhood resentmtnts towards them though. Too controlled and very strict.

[FloydMan]

Hi RegretfulLA,
Just to clarify a couple points that may or may not matter...hope you or someone can give a thought on. When she cried and begged it was for the marriage and our family and said she did not want to wake up with anyone else everyday. She never actually begged for forgiveness.Last year around this time I was telling her I forgive her for the A but she replied 'I don't want your forgiveness'. I asked why and she said it didn't matter and she didn't deserve it'. I also did not push for MC...she really pushed me into it. But after a few sessions she struggled with it as it got into her emotions and faults and childhood. She really thought and still thinks it was me that needed fixing. She had trouble with it emotionally looking at herself.not even just about the A but all aspects. It freaked her out. Oddly I was responding to it and grasped it and bought into it for myself.

[FloydMan]

So I go to bed about 11:30pm and my 10 year old D is in my bed (our former marital bed) reading. I asked "what are you doing up, I thought your mom was with you lying down in your bed this time to read?" My 10yr old D replies "She was, and then she asked me what colors I want for my new room when she has her new home. So I told her ‘nothing’, and to ‘take the for sale sign down!’ She then went on to say her mom did not reply but told her to go to sleep in an angry tone and she again told her mother, ‘Take the for sale sign down. I don't want to move.’ “Then mommy got up and stormed out and didn't say anything so I came here”. She held me until she fell asleep.
My W slept in and they fought again this morning and my D would not cooperate with her. I made as for years both kids lunches and got them to school.