He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

This is really good advice Mach 1. I need to spend some time really thinking about this.

[mamabird]

Ok, need some advice on something that has come up.

We got invited to a friend's house on Xmas day. We normally go up to H's dad's on Xmas day. My proposal was that we'd stop by the friend's for 2 hours or so on the way up, then spend the rest of the afternoon at his dad's house.

H, of course is dead set against this plan.

If I insist on going, I'm not being respectful to his wishes. If I don't go, then I'm giving in once again.

Thoughts?? I'm very seriously considering going and having H meet me and the boys there - it's right on the way... but if it's just me and not the boys, it might be a little weird... I'm also afraid that the boys might change their mind at the last minute, and I'm not going to make a stand just to make a stand.

[mamabird]

H has no idea how to compromise. Should I bring it up in MC tomorrow?

[FloydMan]

I Regretful,
Your H wants to see commitment from you if you are really trying to make it work as a family. Friends are great, but a family focus would be the best signal to him. It is not giving in, it is showing you are genuine in your commitment to family and him. It is not words, it is actions. This is an action. He is expecting you to do all of this running around trying to fit everyone in for the Holidays so do the opposite. This time should be for family. Friends can see you another time, especially if they are real friends they will fully understand.

[FloydMan]

We all live in the past….we can’t help it. No matter how much my W says I live in the past, she is the one who brings up the past negatives too. She does not realize it when she does but all she spews is past anger and then says I can’t get out of the past. You and your H also do this with each other it seems. We all do. We went to Disney World in FLA last New Year’s, and in the spring when I came around after her begging etc, several things I reflected on and turned me around Wife, kids, therapist, God, the book After the Affair and I also looked through our Disney pics and came across a pic of my girls with Rafiki and it made me think of this brilliant scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZfGTL2PY3E

[mamabird]

I wouldn't say we live in the past, but it's hard to be in the present without feeling the pull of the past. If my H said to me, "honey, let's put the past behind us and move forward," I'd jump at the chance. He truly lives in the past though.

I must have been feeling good today because I absent mindedly called him Sweetheart! He either didn't notice or just ignored it.

[mamabird]

Just had my first session w DB coach. He said I have done some good work and made good progress. He advised to go back to loving behavior but be ready for "testing." If the WAS starts to enjoy things again, they start to feel vulnerable and then they will push buttons (in my case, withdrawing) in order to "test". At that point I really have to do the 180s - and this is the super hard part.

Also said that WAS subscribe to two theories: 1) There is no mystery left - I know everything there is to know about my spouse 2) My spouse will never change.

Last night the TV wasn't working in my room and I asked H to help me with it, which he did very willingly. I was surprised - usually he's such a grump about those things. I thanked him for his help.

[Mach1]

Your last three posts....


Read them again...

ALL of them are including what YOU think that your Husband is, or isn't capable of.

And they ALL are in a negative light.

I am gonna go back to the first of the three, and ask you this....

Are you sure, that he doesn't know how to compromise ?

Would you be willing to admit the YOU don't know how to compromise ?

Expectations RLA....

Expecting something to happen without CLEAR communication, is rarely going to work out well for you.

Expectations can go both ways too...

Negative expectations can be just as deadly as the positive ones. If you expect the worst, then that is what you will work toward.

It plays into the questions I asked you recently....

How do YOU want to present yourself ???

Where do your negative statements fit into your list of things ?

Is that negativity what your Husband sees when he deals with you ????

Is that what YOU want him to see ???

None of that ^^^, has anything to do with him....




That's all on you RLA....

[Wendylon]

Regretful, what great points to come out from your DB session. Thank you for sharing them.

I know my H definitely subscribed to those two theories about me. It's actually quite thrilling to pull a 180 off successfully and see how H has to question his theories.

Good luck DBing your way through your H's testing. I know competition motivates me. Maybe we should both DB our a55es off the rest of this month.

[Crazyville]

He advised to go back to loving behavior but be ready for "testing." If the WAS starts to enjoy things again, they start to feel vulnerable and then they will push buttons (in my case, withdrawing) in order to "test". At that point I really have to do the 180s - and this is the super hard part.

Also said that WAS subscribe to two theories: 1) There is no mystery left - I know everything there is to know about my spouse 2) My spouse will never change.

This ^^^ is spot on! You got some great advice.