TSquareed2 - No, not MI side, suburbs of Il. drive down to Chicago for the holiday's makes it worth all the effort and cost to hang out there for a day.
Though I do love MI and have been often both up/lp, you can't go wrong!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i findmyself on the very brink of wondring if I should be just taking the final step and getting right the heck out of my sitch
i think you should be doing everything possible for yourself, getting everything in order, and being prepared for life without H.
But, having said that I think it should be done for you, as a precaution, and also as moving on with your life "as if". Don't stay stagnant but don't do anything in the name of "backing away".
You sound like this is emotional instead of secure in your forward action. Lets face it you don't want H (as he is) maybe there's too much hurt to ever get past this anyway. We don't know...but we do know that YOU don't want to finalize your relationship, especially not in one fell swoop.
So, as much as you don't want him, is equally as much as you may. I still stick with do nothing about your R, let him go through his stages, as you are also going through your own phases. WE are not reactors, we are reliable, loving, steady girls, who don't really want everything to blow up in our face. DOn't pull a trigger your not prepared for.
I know were your at I told my H Sat. that I was moving out! Am I? I don't know! But, sorry to say, I am in a little more position to push h around, you have to be protective of what your H (BF) can do against you, especially since he is a L.
IN the end you want to be happy missy and your not getting it from him, but he's not uprooting you life so take advantage of this peaceful lull, this time you have to take care of the most important person around.
I can feel your pain in your writing, you will never be alone, we are here and you have friends, and crazy momma, a sister, and babies around you. DOn't ignore all that because of one persons absence. DOn't let him blind you to all you have!
oooxxx DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I can feel your pain in your writing, you will never be alone, we are here and you have friends, and crazy momma, a sister, and babies around you. DOn't ignore all that because of one persons absence. DOn't let him blind you to all you have!
hiya - as usual, you are rite i know- voice of reason. I am alot more fortunate than most in this sitch maybe - ( also- the "crazy momma" bit- it's true. she's totally on some wierd voyage of her own - ("yikes captain - the world is flat - we're going over the side" ) - kind of voyage. but i guess i haven't had her life & i'm not 88 and falling allover every other day, etc. - good news is she falls, but doesn't remember!!! don't even know what to think about that!
God knows i managed to select a mate alot like her. holy cow batman- i don't even have a thought about that either.
I got busy with christmas stuff- mailing a couple ebay things- etc and yesterday was okay. last nite i made several (get this) construction paper big santa with jointed A & L - tree w/ glitter & manger scene for my playmate greatneice in fla to hang on the wall. we've been doing a 5' peice of cord between two nails on the wall with whatever is the season's decorations hanging from it. it's funny- i even glued on cotton for fur- haven't done that since kindergarden probably. nothing like hairy fingertips with gluey-cotton- fuzz-residue allover them to cheer you up. i need to mail it today with some stickers & buttons or something she can further embellish with. she's a killer ... miss her alot.
mornings are my low point. nothin to do about that but just dive in and do it.
i have to read again and mull over responses from yesterday- it's such good stuff and i'm flattered to think you & tsq & snodderly came to the "rescue" also. I am thankful for some little guardian angels out there who swoop in to chuck some wisdom down on me - just when you take a bad turn and think it's dark and you're really lost - there's that little light up ahead to go towards.
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You sound like this is emotional instead of secure in your forward action. Lets face it you don't want H (as he is) maybe there's too much hurt to ever get past this anyway.
you're right- I told myself alllll day - don't talk - don't 'SAY" ANYTHING if he calls, etc. I didn't either - yay - one small step for mankind.
it's his darn admission that he and ow had a "thing" back 50 million years ago. he said not sex- but it casts an entirely new light on my entire life with him. i can think of times i was out of town- mom in hospital for 7 wks one time, etc. and he was "kind of strange" on phone - (i THOUGHT THEN: "he's a non-emotional sort of man & didn't feel comfortable or know what to say to make me feel bettr" ) (ME & MY "SPIN") - i would now bet you $$ that everytime i was EVER gone- he just availed himself of whatever Loooooove opportunities were around.
i know it's crazy to revisit that kind of past junk - BUT - what does it say about the man i thought i knew & the life & r i thought i/we had?????. that's the rub- what sort of person is this to lie forever and lie to me specifically to keep me dangling along in it all.
i'm over the amazement- shock & horror of knowing this has happened and i'm a lbs -
BUT - if his r with her has gone on 20 or 25 years? what have i EVER had - really. one has to wonder ....
i'm not big on "sharing" men- that's my huge stumbling block. I am a totally monogamous gal
i have residual feelings for him & a life together and he's my "rock" in life - well, was. now that i find my rock is below sea level alot of the time- what do i do with this information?
??????????????????????/ anybody ?????
I'm having a pretty busy social life up here - w/family & friends- but this one "concept" is throwing a monkey wrench into my gears with the dbing. WHAT THE HECK IS IT's implications? AND DOES IT MATTER - AND IS IT FATAL? On this I've got no perspective.
i'll throw in one kind of positive thing (i think) - he called to test a new cellphone he was jerking around with- then again. in 2nd call i asked a computer casual ? & in explaining he began to get himself all worked up and icky. and accurately- he was doing it to himself.
the end is that a little while later - he called back- apologized for being icky- asked if the computer "thing" was okay and we had a pleasant call.
it was nice because i got off the cranky call feeling like "go straight to H_ll buddy" - i'm not doing "that" anymore in life- at least my gut says it. that's my biggest change of heart/personality. no explanations, apologies or hurt feelings when he's curt & crappy - just total turn-off & dismissal & dislike. that's something - rite?
anyway- hope your morning is good - i'm back on my "no sudden moves" m.o. and thank you. i do want to be happy girl again.
I really liked your "story". you made me think both of my own summers at mom's beach house - and my sister ( 1 yr younger) (irish-twin & excellent sidekick - that died 4 yrs ago.
the little charming cottage shorehouse is now surrounded w/ mcmansions- embroiled in a lawsuit to force sale - & TON of family crappola & discord. My sister's gone- she became an alcoholic & drank her self to death...
thing is- YOU ARE correct that my happy happy youthful memories of her and the shore are both little happy beacons in my past. I "GO THERE" first when i think back and it makes me laugh to remember the great times & escapades. so i hope i can keep my memories of happy times w/h in some pain-free place in my heart. (in the "end")
i can't still figure out who was "the real" her- my constant companion/friend or the broody, unhappy, reclusive woman??? i don't think i'll ever know- guess they both were. i have no place to go with that info - i cannot figure it out- or "lable it".
i'm happiest with things sorted- labled and filed away in their proper place. (yeah- i've learned last couple yrs that there are no "right" lables - in the filing cabinet of life. wah wah.. (too many years in law offices?)
(btw - she ALWAYS picked troubled men & stray dogs - she needed to save people & animals. if my h had just dumped my sorry booty 10 or 15 years ago (if that was his desire?!) she very probably would have "saved" me in this awful sitch- and that might have "saved her". i know- it's unproductive to think- but...)) timing - huh?
your story is making me think the shorehouse troubles & sister's death & story are 2 things mired in GOOD AND bad. never to be un-en-twangled. my brain usually does go to the good. so thanks for the jolt of realization there.
this h thing tho - if i can come to grips with the past- if people (I) honestly CAN learn to live with anything? do i WANT to live with a cheating man? i know it's not the time to make that ultimate choice. i don't know if we have "something" to hang onto or not- i can forget & forgive (i'm pretty sure) BUT - - - -. SO - do i consider this junk- or just STOP-IT and concentrate on not thinkng about anything at all til i even see where chips fall w/this guy?
whattya think?
can i - or do i want to "learn to live with" him screwing around allover the place - i'm not sure that's my cup of tea. if this is a HUGE part of his character,?.. and has been forever - now wtf???
your post & perspective helped immensely - i'm at some "gone" point-in-life where sister is GONE, (her & my best guy/brother friend died in car crash rite before she started to drink for real), SHORE house is on it's way out- mom is on her way out- H is on his way OUT??? - too many things in life that were MY LIFE are gone & going. i know, it's nothing i can control - things,people - GO... I'M TRYIN to be "a man" here and butch up- it's slow goin - this gettin TOUGH stuff. guess we all have to ride thru our PAIN and get used to it. crap!!!. i hate this real life junk.
sure wish i could cure all my own problems with some stupid affair that made ME feel all young & special and powerful again... if only it were THAT EASY -
thanks alot- could you live with a cheating spouse - knowing? and forever? i'm curious what people do endure & why & how
I do like (and need) love, affection & ta da - sex... (real sex - even if boring - more than woo hoo- fakie new exciting sex)
i'm outt ahere- thanks for listening & commenting- i'm feelin a bit more "peaceful" rite now about the memories.
BUT- IF we can value the memories? - still don't "get" what we do about the things we've learned about our mate's character & the "real them"??? would we have fallen in love in the beginning if we'd known? probably not?...
i do sometimes remember to stop and ask myself WHY he's still here if not because he too has happy memories & "knows something" deep in his heart. I think that- then i'm not sure because he never can talk about his feelings and he apparently spouts the L word to anyone he's having sex with.
he's said he's not been "havin fun" for 10 yrs!!! if that is true- wtf??? what was he waiting for? was he ever going to speak up?
i'm hung up at moment about the sex (and time frames maybe) - i hate the idea of infidelity. i know sex loses it's "shine" a bit with long-time mate. i believe it's a mental thing- more than physical (almost). (tho certainly physical) - i waiver - - he's "thinking" she's his "solution" - i'm his "problem" .
now or then i think he could possibly regain his rite perspective on me and our r- - - - ( honestly the best thing ever in either of our lives) (if it even was what i thought it was...) stopping- yeah, i know..
then i realize maybe he never will - he's AFRAID (i think) of his past performance inabilities and will never have the courage to even try. (my big fear - is his big fear) i shove that thought away because - I believe it's mostly mental. for me, him or other people - then, i'm not sure. i need to stop thinking everyone n world is like me inside. obviously THEY ARE NOT.
i don't want to EVER be blind & unprepared again.
thanks for your insights - i keep thinking there's a "timeframe" and if i've only KNOWN for 1.5 yr - that's one thing. If he's been unhappy for TEN (for cripes sake!!!) - that's something else (we hope just spew?) - then i think about FOREVER cheating (even if only mental & not physical) - then i think my head will explode-
