Living in the Gray

[labug]

Yes, subguy, I've eaten there!

Just a note on an experience I had yesterday. I've recently started joining a group of women from my neighborhood for a weekly get-together. Right now we play Mexican Train dominoes. And talk. We have a good time and although I had met all this women before I didn't really "know" them.

They all knew H and I as a couple because we have attended the same events, parties. (our neighborhood has lots of activities)
When I first started attending the dominoes party, a couple had heard we were S or D, a couple had no clue, so it's been interesting picking my way through this.

But yesterday I was at a table with 4 women, I don't know their ages but in their 60s and 70s. One was D after 30 years, her H "just didn't want to be married anymore." They were S for 2 years but she eventually filed for D because he was having affairs. Close to my story minus the affairs.

She is now happily married to someone else.

Another was D after 22 years because her H was having an A with her best friend. They married and then, get this, years later she married the XH of the best friend! She said the weddings of the kids were interesting. I can only imagine.

They've been married for 30 years.

And the 4th at the table just lost her husband this summer. She is grieving and doing well but it's hard, especially at Christmas. I used to see them walking in the neighborhood and could notice him declining. Come to find out, this was a second marriage for both of them and it seems it was a long and happy one.

We had fun (I lost) and their stories were helpful but I got sad last evening and am trying to figure that out. I think it's because I deluded myself for many years about my H.

Now I'm seeing him more clearly and it's difficult. It's not that he's a bad person, he just is who he is, but I saw him as, and probably tried to make him into, my vision.

Needs more thought.

[cat04]

We had fun (I lost) and their stories were helpful but I got sad last evening and am trying to figure that out. I think it's because I deluded myself for many years about my H.

Now I'm seeing him more clearly and it's difficult. It's not that he's a bad person, he just is who he is, but I saw him as, and probably tried to make him into, my vision.

Needs more thought.

Bug,

While it is possible that your sadness is due to the fact that you wore rose colored glasses where your H was concerned.

I know that I have a sadness about that myself some days.

And I fight hard to not wear those same glasses in my current R. I want to see and love this man, flaws and all.

I also find that even though I hear and have seen many second marriages be long and fruitful, sometimes the thought of that also makes me sad. I think it is just a feeling that it is sad that it takes, in many instances, a lot of pain, heartbreak, and hard life lessons to find true happiness. And it makes me a little sad that my children and future grandchildren will probably have to endure pain in order to achieve happiness as well.

Just thought I would share. Hope you are having a good day.

[labug]

Yes, rose-colored glasses.

Sad for me that I wasn't able to be happy, and really for several years I wasn't. Sad that I let my anxiety and depression rule my life for as long as I did. Sad that I couldn't tell him that for all the stupid little things that drove me crazy there were just as many stupid little things that made me smile or warmed my heart.

Sad for him that I controlled and manipulated, and that he couldn't/wouldn't have a talk with me before it got to "I'm done"-that he remained unhappy and couldn't come up with a better way to solve the problem. Sad that he couldn't let his wall down and truly let me in.

Sad that when our son was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder and hospitalized neither of us let our walls down, in fact I think we built them stronger because neither of us knew how to handle all the feelings involved in that.

Sad that we, as the adults, couldn't do better for our sons.

But we're(sons and I)here now and we're stronger, we have different skill sets, we talk.

I am happier than I can remember being in years so things are improving.

But all is not rainbows and unicorns, I have to experience all these emotions and let them go.

[labug]

That^^^does sound morose but I'm not. I promise.

Just acknowledging feelings. They pass.

I no longer stuff them because I'm afraid of them.

[cat04]

Yup did sound a bit morose.

You had me worried just a bit.

So, what are the holiday plans?

I started a recipie thread in the MLC forum if you have anything you want to share.

In the past, it was a tradition.

[labug]

I'm actually fine and happy.

Even when I'm sad it's nothing like it used to be.

Life is amazing, it you allow it to be.

[afa75]

Bug,
Thanks for clarifying as it didn't seem down.
Then again as you have advised me, name it, deal with it (even if not a pleasant thought / emotion), and let it go.
You are a great source of inspiration.

((( )))

[Soul.Searching]

I haven't been around as much lately but just caught up on your thread! Wow, you sound so much stronger and balanced now.

I now have my rose colored glasses removed too. You know I never really understood that term until BD. I thought it was just an old saying. Boy was I wrong!

[JuneReN]

Hey Bug, you didn't sound morose at all, just regretful and maybe a little more coming to terms with things. My rose coloured glasses are off too and I think we should all get some really hot CC or Prada knockoffs

I do not know where my path will take me in the next couple of years, but I certainly hope I get to meet you

I just need to get through Christmas too, as the emotions are starting to permeate this board. I know it is a tough time for all of us, but we have each other to keep us going

Think I'll check out Cat's recipes

[labug]

Thanks, everyone.

I am at a pivotal time in my life for several reasons. Because of the course I set years ago (dragging H along)of being frugal, working to keep debt low to nonexistent, scaling back our lifestyle, living below our means, learning the difference between needs and wants I'm going to be fine financially. I won't ever be wealthy but I will have a rich quality of life!

This wasn't without cost, but nothing is. I was laser focused on frugality and it became an obsession (no, I wouldn't have qualified for one of those TV shows) and I wasn't much fun because I was always worried about money. I'm SMH right now at how off-kilter I was. I had the goal of being debt free and by god no one was going to stand in my way.

I had a fear of going to the poorhouse (even tho there are no poorhouses)!

I know it damaged my M and I will never be debt-free, at least not above ground.:)

But I'll be OK. Interestingly, since the first 6 months after BD, I haven't worried much about money and, guess what? Everything worked out. I've even been able to do some fun things. I have a small balance on my credit card for the first time in years but it will be paid off soon with my bonus from work.

One of my goals was to retire early. That's not gonna happen but here's the thing, when I was able to let go of my obsessive attempts to control outcomes (those attempts could be a book)I found that I actually loved the job I had and it was perfect for me. I no longer feel the need to retire early. I'm sometimes aware that because of the physical demands of the job I may not be able to do it forever but I've learned that I have no control over that and with the connections I have and the skills I possess, something will be available if/when I need it. Worrying about it won't help.

I have a comfortable, cozy little house that living in is like being hugged, I have great Sons who are finding their way in the world without the help of an interfering mother (for the most part), wonderful friends and neighbors and a job I love.

I am rich!

All of the concerns I expressed above have one thing in common.

Fear.

My IC and I have been exploring how fear-based my life has been until now. Everything I did was a reaction to my fear of something.

It feels so good to understand that and have had positive experiences with facing those fears.

Once you let go of the fear, life does get better.