Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello all,
(25yearsmic, your last post had a gentle tone in it. I appreciate. Listen, I don't know why you help all this people on the site, me included, and I'd like to repay you back some day.)

I have come to terms with my trying to control others, if her father or both parents wants to act a certain way, I won't be affected by it.[/b] Honestly, they didn't show up at their daughters wedding, and I always have been kind and polite with them.

Bruce, WHY didn't they go to the wedding? She doesn't seem to feel distant with them, so THEY are close. That means they have an issue with you. Are you saying you have no idea why?

[b]
Yesterday I gently insisted, but didn't make a scene either. I'm a very calm and balanced person. (outside of this site that is).

Good. It's just your tone here describing her father as a 'little man" who annoyed you, didn't sound too calm or pleasant.

I learnt today they met with the pastor, and apparently "they've decided to move on". In the end, I feel more sad for them, probably taking sides when they shouldn't. Enough said.

how do you KNOW this?^^^^ Have you spoken to the pastor? If not, why not? Why don't you? Not many pastors support leaving marriages for no good reasons.




From this day on, I'll appear relaxed and upbeat in their presence too.


Okay...


As for your proposition of giving W a cell phone, I'm afraid it won't fly.

Why? B/C she sent a one line email? Is that why? Have you asked her if she needs one?

W sent an one line email today asking how the visit went yesterday. I replied with pics, and how enthusiastic I was to have spent time with S. I validated her concerns about his age and sensitive tummy, and that I paid a maximum of attention to it.

Great answer.

And if because of the car rides and all which is time consuming, if the conceded two hour time alone with S could become longer afternoons. (I didn't stretch it to ask for the whole day).
Also said I understand this is new to her but I want to change his nappies, put him to sleep, read him a story, and if I could have him for an overnight as well. My goal was to spend more time with him.

This ^^^ is fine. But doesn't your Lawyer believe you'll get more time w/him anyhow? I'm not saying to rub that in her face by any means, but KNOW your rights before you ask to assert them. Are you positive of what they are?


(I won't ask in an email how to change a diaper b/c it sure will spring back in my face in court. Guaranteed.)

I understand this fear, although the comment "guaranteed" seems a little premature. Why do you think she'd use it that way?

(btw, W knows my mom and dad, and doesn't like them much, so much for the good dad example...)

Why is that? I'm surprised no one's parents likes the spouse of their child. I'm a mother and I feel close to my son's EX girlfriends (and girlfriends) and my d's boyfriends too....(OR they don't date for long)...

Seriously though, if my child decided to MARRY someone, I'd suck it up and deal with it...UNLESS there was a really serious problem with that person. I don't know why you don't see this.

How were YOUR PARENTS toward her? Were they cold or anti-Canadian (I'm of French descent and we have a bit of a reputation for being snobby, as you may know)...

What do you think is the reason her parents are this cold to you? Think hard. I've asked you this before.


I got your point about my writing to her I want to spek, her not responding and then my being disappointed. I set my own expectations and disappointments. Silly.

Well, last week, it was the first time, and only visit without one of her parents. At the end, she wanted me to strike the famous deal. I took the bait on the spur of the moment. She acted super nice that day, and even days after that. Like she was in love again. Which made me go all over the place : by Xmas, we'll be holding hands and all..

Can you give an example of this^^^ behavior? All we know is that she said "something" about trying to take things slow (Which may be what is happening in her mind, btw)...


A couple of days later, I said I wouldn't be giving up on my son, because I want to have him more, and that's why I paid the lawyer for in the first place. And the result is here, no more W in sight. Great.

I'm not sure how you said this^^ but if it came across as bullying or overly assertive or petulant, it backfired. AND if you came across as "now you'll HAVE To see me!" then she is rejecting any manipulations.

In any case, you still have to see your boy. Period. As long as that is all you are going for (at least by appearance) and you really try to do your best by him, no one can fault you for that.

Avoid looking punitive. Stay on message about loving him and being the best dad you can be. Do NOT make it about her and you. Are you clear on this?

IF she isn't convinced you care for your son FIRST, she wont' be interested in you anyhow. The more you two communicate happily about your son (via email, for now) the better.

Build on that. SLOWLY...


I understand her resenting my asking for my son, when she has the impression I didn't care for him before, the truth is that she over-possessed him so much that it would have been heart-rending to separate mother and child. My contemplation of that beautiful scene has been mistakenly seen as indifference.

Stop the blame game Bruce. It doesn't sound truthful to me and it gets you nowhere. You just paint yourself as the victim AGAIN. You say you see and recognize your mistakes and deeply regret them, but then here, repeatedly you deny them.

The truth is you DID neglect him and it's NOT her fault. She probably compensated for your absence and withdrawal.

My h used to work extra long hours, which resulted in my cutting back on my hours so someone could be home for our kids. Then he'd feel financially stressed and would work MORE...which would make me stay home more. A circular event...it does not matter what came first!

The fact is, for whatever reason, you were NOT there for your son or her.

Leave it at that - and that you are NOW changing what you can.

Now I'm only straightening things out.

And I'm not going to escape to France. (Although, you gave me a good idea. j/joking)

One last thing. I know I shouldn't ask her right away about if we can stop the petitions if we could arrange ourselves decent times with our son.

TRUE, so don't. Let the consequences of legal proceedings sink in without you making it obvious you are manipulating or pressuring or extorting her in any way. You already asked in the email, for more time. Leave it alone now.

But the proceedings are running as of now, and if we don't contact our lawyers, next week I understand I have to sign an affidavit, and then show up in Court... to have the immediate relief I've asked for (ie the famous 50% time with S).
Should I bring it up again tomorrow, or wait some more, but not too much?

Wait for now. So what if you have to appear in court? You knew that already, right? It's just a piece of paper you can always withdraw later if you two reconcile. Don't bluff on this.

And don't count on getting half time OR it being as "immediate"...as you want....and do not gloat if you get it. Be grateful for any increase and no more "supervised" visits (I'm glad they were not able to impose that on you). Stay on message about time with your son. NOTHING ELSE At this time...it'll reek of being the "real agenda" and you don't want that at this point.

The court will see through it too. It's all about your son and you for now and for the near future. It's also the key to being a couple again anyhow.

Understand?

Bonsoir,
yours, B.

a bientot