Your H's response reminds me of when W got "caught" webcamming, IM'ing, whatever (after she rolled out of the anger phase) with OMs and she would try to be extra nice and give a modicum more attention that she thought I wanted...lol...probably mostly motivated by her desire to not have me leave or have me kick her out and make things more complicated....they are sooo predictable once we learn, eh?
Hang in there Sunshine!!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Go for it! I'm glad to see you have some goals in mind! That's a great way to start off the new year.
Your trainer may not be all that great, but someone else recognized your can do attitude and that's wonderful!
As for your h, he's expecting you to react the way you use to do...keep the 180's going. He's got to pop soon because he can't keep a lid on his behavior for long.
Keep up the good work Sunshine!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mrs, I want you to seriously think about your thoughts about the children. It isn't always the best thing for them to watch you being mistreated, allowing yourself to become a martyr for them.
I have considered this Cat. I weigh this against showing them also commitment and selfless love. Its a balancing act that is beyond me, I think.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
However, loving yourself enough to not allow yourself to continue to be mistreated, is important.
It also isn't saying that you don't love your H.
I love my X still. And I always will. My S is well aware of that. However, the dynamics of the R were not healthy for any of us. He is also aware of that.
While lessons about commitment are very important for children to learn, there are many ways to teach that. You not only have a commitment to your M, you also have a commitment to yourself.
As has been said a lot on your thread already, and is said a lot all over these boards, children are much more aware of things that we would sometimes like to think.
I have to wonder what lessons your children are learning about how to treat people by watching your R. What is your D learning about how she should expect to be treated.
We are not living in the beginning half of the last century anymore where women were a subculture and men could do anything they wanted and we just had to accept it. As our lot in life.
In countries around the globe where those sorts of cultures still exist, women are fighting to change it. Fighting to be treated as equal human beings.
Please try to consider all of those things when making your choices.
Standing up for yourself now, in no way says you don't love your H and in no way says that you can't forgive him, and in no way says that if things are different that being together isn't possible.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
M, first of all, good on you for setting a boundary. I know that you have said that is difficult for you, so, this is a big step.
And it is certainly not an unreasonable one. You are married and you do not accept another woman in your marriage.
I am not really all that surprised at your h's response. First of all, he doesnt really believe you will follow through. He is not used to you setting boundaries and they tend to think that everyone is fine with whatever they feel they want to do.
A couple of things. When you set a boundary, you have to be sure to follow through. That may mean telling him to leave and meaning it. And you might think that is what you want, but, just realize when or if it happens, you will have ambivalent feelings for a little while.
As they are like children, the follow through is important in order for them to take us seriously. And right now your h is acting exactly as a child might. Mom is mad and I'm going to be real nice so she forgets why she's angry.
You also need to be clear on your boundary. Are you saying that you won't sleep in the same bed, you won't cuddle, you won't live in the same house? In order for a boundary to work, it has to be stated simply and clearly and enforced.
As far as the children, you are there touchstone right now. They are looking to you to see how to navigate through life's turmoils. If you are ok, they will be, too. It is equally important for a girl to see her mother as strong and compenent as it is for a boy.
And I understand that you want them to see what committment means. Trust me that they know the kind of person you are. Your actions over the course of their lives has shown them that.
Current schedule is wiping me out. S19 has GOT to get his license back SOON. Oh well, could be worse.
Not much new to report. H still seems to be in a holding/waiting pattern. Gave me a portion of some money that his parents sent for Christmas. I am wondering if I should keep it. It feels fraudulent somehow. H also at that time hugged me (I didn't hug back) and told me "I do love you you know".
My boundaries right now are no physical contact. (Didn't see that hug coming or I would have dodged.) And he hasn't realized it yet, but I'm not talking to him. I don't mean I don't answer direct questions ie "Is it raining?" But I don't tell him anything about ME. Not how work went ("fine") how I'm feeling ("fine") etc. This boundary is prob not too significant to H but it is to me, and it helps me detach from him.
I was told to not leave the bed, by Cadet I think? And I told H he could stay or go as he chooses. And yes, I do have mixed feelings about that. As much as I am reinforcing the "its over" shift within, I'm sure an outward action will feel different.
Other "service" boundaries have not been set. I am still cooking/cleaning - when I'm home. I don't see changing these things before the end of the year necessarily, but having not yet changed them always gives me room to heighten my boundaries if I should feel it necessary. (My daughter actually taught me this. If I take EVERYTHING away for her bad attitude, what incentive is there for her to change her attitude? She has nothing left to lose.)
My bet is for this "holding pattern" to maintain at least through Christmas - barring any new developments. H is not known for his patience so things might not last that long.
I'm looking forward to my "educational info" meeting next week. I am trying to visualize MY future - cause right now its all about me. Well mostly. There are still those darn kids to consider
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
In thinking about my last post I wanted to be sure I didn't give the wrong impression.
Quote:
I don't see changing these things before the end of the year necessarily, but having not yet changed them always gives me room to heighten my boundaries if I should feel it necessary. (My daughter actually taught me this. If I take EVERYTHING away for her bad attitude, what incentive is there for her to change her attitude? She has nothing left to lose.)
I have no "expectations" for reconciliation due to my boundary setting. These limits are really and truly FOR me. For my self respect, my dignity and my sanity. And my "boundaries" are not a punishment of H, they are simply a consequence of his actions.
But its very possible/probable that I may have to continue living with H for quite some time. I don't want to live, or have my children live, in a war zone. So if doing laundry which I would be doing anyway, or boiling a couple of eggs keeps the missiles from flying - then so be it.
I am working towards the return of me. Turning the mental/emotional energies formerly given to H back to me. And its a very slow, painful process. I show no tears to H, but that doesn't mean I don't shed them. Hearkening back to the patient on life support analogy, even knowing that "life" is no longer possible and having made the decision to pull the plug, there is still grief.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
You certainly have been thinking about your situation and I think you are on the right track w/everything. Set your boundaries as needed.
You are absolutely correct w/the analogy about pulling the plug and there is still grief. You'll have moments of grief for quite some time and it's normal.
You have a "can do" attitude and that's what is going to shine through wherever you go. You have goals and I have no doubt that you will reach them and go even further beyond them.
I hope today is a good day for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
