W continues to mystify. Ended up meeting her out for dinner and kept the conversation light until we stumbled upon her relationship with her parents who are emotionally distant and haven't been a support for her in all of this mess (they are on another planet and always have been). The day she walked out of our house I was shut off from her family - but she's really impacted by the fact that they don't reach out to her and are basically ignoring her emotional anguish, whereas my mother has been a rock for me during this. W talked about feeling isolated, not having friends to talk to, etc. (I didn't say this, but I was thinking - duh, I'm your best friend and you walked out of our life!)
The next day, after I offered via email to be someone who could listen - just an ear on the other end of the phone (she hasn't talked to me on the phone for 10 weeks, we used to speak daily). She sent me back an email saying that knowing that I'm in emotional pain hurts her more than anything. Not easy for me to reconcile that sentiment with her actions. Unfortunately, I told her as much in an email - basically saying that I had a hard time believing that she cares about me at all given that she knew that cheating and leaving would be devastating for me. No reply for 24 hrs. And then an email that hardly acknowledged what I'd said and was more about her feeling isolated and that she thought it was "kind of me to offer to listen to her". Whatever.
In the end, I'm sure she can't reconcile her feelings right now either, because she is in MLC crazy land. The thing is - the more I detach, the less I seem to be able to choke back the inclination to say what I'm really feeling instead of acting "as if". I just don't know how people do this for an extended period of time.
Today is Emily Dickinson's birthday. I came across this which seemed fitting for this board:
To fight aloud is very brave, But gallanter, I know, Who charge within the bosom, The cavalry of woe. - Emily Dickinson ____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
