Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[Big Bruce]

"As far as how well I know my son, we're like, father and son..."

Doesn't answer the question.

What are his favorite foods, toys, etc. Does he have any allergies? When was his last physical? Is he up to date on his vacceinations? etc.

Favorite food :num-nums.
Toys : trucks.
No allergies, but a sensitive tummy to greasy foods.
Physical what?
Vaccinations :I'm sure W didn't left that unchecked, so yes.

In fact I'm more interested in raising him up and shape his view of the world, his beliefs, etc... than linger on details about his last poo-pooh colour.
Makes sense?
B.

[eyesopen]

n fact I'm more interested in raising him up and shape his view of the world, his beliefs, etc... than linger on details about his last poo-pooh colour. Makes sense? B.

Bruce, As a father of two small children I feel obligated to reply to your post. The days of fathers not going to the hospital or taking time off when their children arrive are long gone. There is no such thing as a part time parent. Even as I am seperated from my wife, and having a couple of days a week without my children, my thoughts are constantly on their well being. I hate to see my children sick or in pain, but when they are and they look to you for comfort has got to be one of the most powerful feelings in the world. Or when they do something that they themselves are proud of and they look to you to make sure you saw. Wow, it eats me up missing the couple days a week that I have to right now. Do you want that, or do you want to miss that? It your choice.

Sure you can mail it in for the first few years, but that is the time when that bond is forged. Do you want to wake up one day a realize how mich you have missed?

As far as your post on Crimson's thread goes, I hardly know what to say. If you want to sit around and not do anything different go ahead. That is exactly what got you here. If nothing changes why would your wifes feelings about leaving you change. You have had some extremely wise veterans trying to lead you in the right direction. I would hate to see you lose their guidance. But if you continue to deny responsibility, I have a feeling that is exactly what will happen. There are people who have been here awhile, and new ones everyday, that will take the wise advice and apply it. I think it is time you really start to look within yourself, and ask if you have what it takes to do this.

[MrBond]

"In fact I'm more interested in raising him up and shape his view of the world, his beliefs, etc... than linger on details about his last poo-pooh colour.
Makes sense?"

Yes. It shows how little you know about "raising" a child. You really have to start being aware of ALL these things. In fact, in terms of the greasy food, is it something that you've just noticed or something that your W TOLD you? There's a difference.

Nowadays if you don't watch for his vaccinations and if there are any allergies that he may have, you could kill him.

Not a joke.

[Big Bruce]

Hello,
I didn't mean to raise such a outrage with my comment. Being more interested in the former doesn't mean I am not interested in the latter.

I am very interested in the daily basics such as his eating properly, sleeping well, cleanliness, and I am even more interested in communicating him with spiritual and intellectual insight.

I just didn't have much opportunity to dwelve in depth into the practicalities, the how to. That's all, and I am fully dediacted to learning and doing, when the opportunity will show up.

Now, as for W, if her main reproach to me was my being an uninvolved father, the last thing I want to do is to not address that.
It would be counterproductive of me to lament on this site if on the other hand I didn't follow the advice given here, right? For this reason, when I say I mean to get involved with S, I DO MEAN IT . Big time.

For the greasy foods, W has told me. There is no way I could have found that since I only had two hour visits until recently, and his upset stomach happens usually at night or at a time when I'm not around.

I take responsibility for my shortcomings and failures, especially my marital one. And I have done several 180s and 360s since the beginning. If all fails, I want to be able to look in the mirror and say I have tried all I could.

As it is, my life is screwed up, as if I had an automobile accident and lost half of me. Since 6 months I don't take pleasure in any of the things the world offers. I am in constant torment. Therefore, I have nothing to lose changing and becoming a better father and a better man. Then in a couple of years, I can go and rest in peace.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello all,
(25yearsmic, your last post had a gentle tone in it. I appreciate. Listen, I don't know why you help all this people on the site, me included, and I'd like to repay you back some day.)

I have come to terms with my trying to control others, if her father or both parents wants to act a certain way, I won't be affected by it.[/b] Honestly, they didn't show up at their daughters wedding, and I always have been kind and polite with them.

Bruce, WHY didn't they go to the wedding? She doesn't seem to feel distant with them, so THEY are close. That means they have an issue with you. Are you saying you have no idea why?

[b]
Yesterday I gently insisted, but didn't make a scene either. I'm a very calm and balanced person. (outside of this site that is).

Good. It's just your tone here describing her father as a 'little man" who annoyed you, didn't sound too calm or pleasant.

I learnt today they met with the pastor, and apparently "they've decided to move on". In the end, I feel more sad for them, probably taking sides when they shouldn't. Enough said.

how do you KNOW this?^^^^ Have you spoken to the pastor? If not, why not? Why don't you? Not many pastors support leaving marriages for no good reasons.




From this day on, I'll appear relaxed and upbeat in their presence too.


Okay...


As for your proposition of giving W a cell phone, I'm afraid it won't fly.

Why? B/C she sent a one line email? Is that why? Have you asked her if she needs one?

W sent an one line email today asking how the visit went yesterday. I replied with pics, and how enthusiastic I was to have spent time with S. I validated her concerns about his age and sensitive tummy, and that I paid a maximum of attention to it.

Great answer.

And if because of the car rides and all which is time consuming, if the conceded two hour time alone with S could become longer afternoons. (I didn't stretch it to ask for the whole day).
Also said I understand this is new to her but I want to change his nappies, put him to sleep, read him a story, and if I could have him for an overnight as well. My goal was to spend more time with him.

This ^^^ is fine. But doesn't your Lawyer believe you'll get more time w/him anyhow? I'm not saying to rub that in her face by any means, but KNOW your rights before you ask to assert them. Are you positive of what they are?


(I won't ask in an email how to change a diaper b/c it sure will spring back in my face in court. Guaranteed.)

I understand this fear, although the comment "guaranteed" seems a little premature. Why do you think she'd use it that way?

(btw, W knows my mom and dad, and doesn't like them much, so much for the good dad example...)

Why is that? I'm surprised no one's parents likes the spouse of their child. I'm a mother and I feel close to my son's EX girlfriends (and girlfriends) and my d's boyfriends too....(OR they don't date for long)...

Seriously though, if my child decided to MARRY someone, I'd suck it up and deal with it...UNLESS there was a really serious problem with that person. I don't know why you don't see this.

How were YOUR PARENTS toward her? Were they cold or anti-Canadian (I'm of French descent and we have a bit of a reputation for being snobby, as you may know)...

What do you think is the reason her parents are this cold to you? Think hard. I've asked you this before.


I got your point about my writing to her I want to spek, her not responding and then my being disappointed. I set my own expectations and disappointments. Silly.

Well, last week, it was the first time, and only visit without one of her parents. At the end, she wanted me to strike the famous deal. I took the bait on the spur of the moment. She acted super nice that day, and even days after that. Like she was in love again. Which made me go all over the place : by Xmas, we'll be holding hands and all..

Can you give an example of this^^^ behavior? All we know is that she said "something" about trying to take things slow (Which may be what is happening in her mind, btw)...


A couple of days later, I said I wouldn't be giving up on my son, because I want to have him more, and that's why I paid the lawyer for in the first place. And the result is here, no more W in sight. Great.

I'm not sure how you said this^^ but if it came across as bullying or overly assertive or petulant, it backfired. AND if you came across as "now you'll HAVE To see me!" then she is rejecting any manipulations.

In any case, you still have to see your boy. Period. As long as that is all you are going for (at least by appearance) and you really try to do your best by him, no one can fault you for that.

Avoid looking punitive. Stay on message about loving him and being the best dad you can be. Do NOT make it about her and you. Are you clear on this?

IF she isn't convinced you care for your son FIRST, she wont' be interested in you anyhow. The more you two communicate happily about your son (via email, for now) the better.

Build on that. SLOWLY...


I understand her resenting my asking for my son, when she has the impression I didn't care for him before, the truth is that she over-possessed him so much that it would have been heart-rending to separate mother and child. My contemplation of that beautiful scene has been mistakenly seen as indifference.

Stop the blame game Bruce. It doesn't sound truthful to me and it gets you nowhere. You just paint yourself as the victim AGAIN. You say you see and recognize your mistakes and deeply regret them, but then here, repeatedly you deny them.

The truth is you DID neglect him and it's NOT her fault. She probably compensated for your absence and withdrawal.

My h used to work extra long hours, which resulted in my cutting back on my hours so someone could be home for our kids. Then he'd feel financially stressed and would work MORE...which would make me stay home more. A circular event...it does not matter what came first!

The fact is, for whatever reason, you were NOT there for your son or her.

Leave it at that - and that you are NOW changing what you can.

Now I'm only straightening things out.

And I'm not going to escape to France. (Although, you gave me a good idea. j/joking)

One last thing. I know I shouldn't ask her right away about if we can stop the petitions if we could arrange ourselves decent times with our son.

TRUE, so don't. Let the consequences of legal proceedings sink in without you making it obvious you are manipulating or pressuring or extorting her in any way. You already asked in the email, for more time. Leave it alone now.

But the proceedings are running as of now, and if we don't contact our lawyers, next week I understand I have to sign an affidavit, and then show up in Court... to have the immediate relief I've asked for (ie the famous 50% time with S).
Should I bring it up again tomorrow, or wait some more, but not too much?

Wait for now. So what if you have to appear in court? You knew that already, right? It's just a piece of paper you can always withdraw later if you two reconcile. Don't bluff on this.

And don't count on getting half time OR it being as "immediate"...as you want....and do not gloat if you get it. Be grateful for any increase and no more "supervised" visits (I'm glad they were not able to impose that on you). Stay on message about time with your son. NOTHING ELSE At this time...it'll reek of being the "real agenda" and you don't want that at this point.

The court will see through it too. It's all about your son and you for now and for the near future. It's also the key to being a couple again anyhow.

Understand?

Bonsoir,
yours, B.

a bientot

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Big Bruce]Hello all,
(25yearsmic, your last post had a gentle tone in it. I appreciate. Listen, I don't know why you help all this people on the site, me included, and I'd like to repay you back some day.)

You're welcome. I was VERY helped by coming here and if it were not for this site, I am POSITIVE I'd be divorced. It doesn't solve all problems, but it sure helps with our own work and our perspective, and those things help a lot.

If you win the lottery, I'll let you know how to repay me.

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce,

my husband returns from the MIddle East tomorrow (his Reserve unit was deployed for several months).

I won't be posting as often or in such lengthy posts, but I will definitely check in.

Stay on track and on message. Don't stop your progress and listen to Bond and the other veterans. I speak from experience when I say you must put your ego aside.

Seeing the other point of view is crucial. I know I had justified so many things that I FELT were "right" of me. But when I realized my h had a totally different "lens" with which he viewed the world, and our marital history

I began to have more compassion for him and I stopped needing to be "right".

You can get there. Your son is THE priority now. I know you want your m reconciled but

I'm telling you that

establishing yourself as an involved father is crucial to two things --

1) it is crucial to you ever being close to him, for real, AND

2) it's crucial to how your wife views you (and her family, for that matter).

It may not lead to a reconciliation, but it is your best shot.

AND you can't lose by being a great dad.

Good luck.

[Big Bruce]

Bonsoir, 25yearsmic,
Thank you so much for all your great advice.
Even if it's a little early, I wish you a good Christmas with your husband and family.


W is still reluctant to grant me more time with S. I called my L to find out what's what. For the moment, we can't force her (better not). Time with S has to be on her good will. That is why I wanted to file in the first place, (because of her not giving enough S time).
How can I complain about it to W without complaining?

Looks like the motions hearing in court will be on the 18th of January 2013. Her tactic until then is to grant as little time as possible, in order to make her case before the judge.

My plane back to France is on Saturday Dec. 22nd anyway. So much for spending quality time with her and bonding with S. I wish I would spend Christmas with W and S. Looks like it won't happen this year.

As for their parents, quickly, I may be wrong but seems that they don't have many close friends if any, they're reserved people turned inwards, and it happens you know, not everybody is social. I knew W had "herited" some blocks and relational issues because of that, but that it would go away with time and by seeing people.
It didn't, she didn't have ANY friends when we were in France, while I had many, and she keeps grudges for a long time. (which is not good for me now).

With that said, she can be an excellent friend, a good lover and wife, and it looks like a very dedicated mom.
If my best shot is to become an awesome dad, from this day, I make it my top priority. (And getting W back as well )

Until then,
B.

[MrBond]

"W is still reluctant to grant me more time with S."

Have you ever asked her why?

[Big Bruce]

"W is still reluctant to grant me more time with S."

Have you ever asked her why?

No, but it isn't a question I can ask plain : why don't you want me to spend more time with my son?
without sounding accusing.

Her court petition asked for 100% custody for her and allows me short visits.
My counter petition said just the contrary anyway : I felt the visitation schedule was insufficient, and asked for 50% custody.


And she mentionned fuzzy BS excuses like his stage of developpment, his young age and sensitive tummy.

My interpretation : since she had him since he was born, it is difficult for her to get separated from him, even when the husband wants, (and is entitled to) more time with him (and further from her since she took the decision to separate).

If anyone had a suggestion on how to ask her to increase my visit time...I'm all ears
So far, since I have many days off this week, I have written emails to ask to spend the days with S. Which was refused since she responded I could take him for 2 hours, one day this week, and two days next week...
disappointing. to say the least.
B