FWIW, I was discussing the impact of this on children with my MC. He had this to say: "In life, things do not always work out the way we had planned. However, despite what life throws at you, you can still have a wonderful, loving life if you choose to. What better lesson is there for a child than that?" (he said)
"You will not always get your way, things will not always unfold the way you want, but that does not diminish you, and that does not preclude your happiness. You will not always be 'like everyone else', but that doesn't mean your life is worse. When adversity hits you, you learn how to make the best of it, and if you can learn to do that for yourself, you will have a wonderful life."
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I am thinking about you and your kids. My heart is with you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi AD, Just wanted to let you know I too am thinking about you and your boys. Reading the conversation you had with them brought some difficult memories back for me when H and I tould our children back in July. I can't say they both haven't had some rough patches since then but it does get better. I know just from reading your situation and the way you've dealt with things so far you and your boys will get through this together.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
Thanks CV it was decent of you to post back. I'm not up for examining my flaws today, but in this place it's fair game.
So we told the kids at dinner. No one ate dinner. S14 cried and then S12 cried. I hugged them and told them how very much I love them. H was robotic. S14 left the house and we've been having a text conversation that was very difficult. He did not accept the party line that we had problems we could not resolve. He wanted to know specifically what problems, and when I tried to explain that they were between us adults he said he had a right to know what was going on in his family. Then he asked if H is gay. I told him I have no reason to believe that. H has to have a best friend to confide in just like I do and just like S14 does. I told him I didn't have all the answers, this was confusing and complicated, and that I would try my best to answer his questions as they come up.
I sure would like to finish off my bottle of wine but I have felt that my kids aren't getting anything to ease their pain; I won't either. We'll get through it together.
I've been calling my friend the psychologist for help answering S14's texts. She was mainly emphasizing that I should try to be as even as possible about our roles, saying we, we, we instead of he. S14 challenged that though, and it felt dishonest, so I said we just haven't been able to make each other happy, and H's unhappiness has been affecting all of us. There's a lot more that was said back and forth by text, because he said in text that he couldn't talk to me face to face about it yet.
S12 and I had some escapism watching funny videos and I'm sending him to bed. He is acting unnaturally cheerful. H asked him to vaccum some leaves and dirt in the kitchen and he did, then made a humorous comment about how dad's leaving and NOW look how good I'm doing at vacuuming. I'll have to keep an eye on that one too.
No one deserves this. I feel violent.
((()))) Ya, I feel violent too sometimes. We do everything we can to protect our kids then these things happen. I agree and disagree with your psych. friend. Kids should know who's decision it is to move out, but that you support H's decision. I told my daughter that when you love someone you have to let them do what they need to do. This does not mean you love them any less, just that you want them to be happy with themselves. I do not malign H's decision, but I have made no bones about how I feel in terms of wishing he had stayed. That being said, see line about H's happiness above.
Watch S12-who will try to compensate and S14 will want answers. If you feel he needs to ask Dad, then let H know ahead of time what may be coming and what you have said. I really try to do this, but right now in my sitch, I am having a "moment". I will get through this and so will you!
Ad...I have thought of you a lot today. I have had a awful day of sadness and I was thinking of how you must be feeling today also. I hope that you and your boys are hanging tough and that you will pop in and update how the day went.
I cannot do lunch, as I work everyday now from noon to 4:00pm. Those are my permanent part time hours, but I would love to meet and have someone to vent back and forth with who understands the pain right now. We can heal together!
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
When i witnessed your frustrations get vented so emotionally, i really felt your pain dealing with the children.
My W didn't even give any notice and officially informed me she had moved out 1 week after the fact, using the guise of visiting her sick father as the reason she wasn't home for that previous week.
My S is attached to me like Velcro, except for when he is playing with his friends.
Keep busy and enjoy the Christmas Lights.
You are in my Prayers.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
