first time need help - still (new thread?)

[albamarie]

nero - I so look forward to your colorful way of thinking. If I were a color I would be white, no real pizzaz but pure at heart.

My mom hasn't responded to my email (3 days) she and my dad promised they would learn to communicate instead of run away and not talk for another 3 or more yrs. They are 64yrs old, if they do that to me again, they will be facing their 80's without a child to care for them, then their goes my inheritance!

I love the house decorated too, and the outside my H said what if he doesn't want any sign of Christmas. I said too bad, scrooge!

H has 12 days off for the holidays, I am not looking forward to these days. I used to love this time for us to sleep in, stay up late, and be a family over board games.

I still can't believe some times that we are at this point in our R, I have to remind myself that were not in L anymore. But, when I look at him I see clearly that I wound't want him like this.

Hope your having a great day, and I bet your decorations look great!

[albamarie]

Nero-So it happened my mom has stopped talking to me forever, again! Her reasoning was, get a job, divorce your H, and get him out of the house. When I responded with what does anything have to do with you, she said I was twisting everything to be her fault. Oh, well I can't miss what I really never had!

Hope your good with your H there, it make you quiet with him around. Can't wait to here how it's going for you!

[nero]

hey hi-

oiyyyyyy!!!!! what a joke this is here. so much for me being "quiet". this a.m. we had a "go round" for awhile. i swear- it makes me exhausted. i'm lousy at it - i should shut up and stay that way- it just [censored] me in sometimes and then alllll my hard work (i thnk) is down the toilet.

not that i beg him to stay or anything like that- it's this damn no response to everything or anything i say (usually something small- computer problem related - ) and finally i ask if he's either hearing, has heard - has a comment- etc . his response was that it's soooooo obvious what i mean and am saying- there is no response from him required !!!???

what the hell do you do with someone like that???? cold &* hard in an argument. (maybe just across the board forever - who the heck can make this call???)

anyway- we've been going along rather peacefully- i find christmas season emotional since my dad died. don't kow why- wound isn't new- just notice that i'm too darn nostalgic about everything- and that is tht. i remain calm and am not wailing- but it's there. sappy commercials and shows make me cry- death counts on the news, etc.

oh well - shoot me huh?

ANYWAY- SO WE MANAGED to wrangle around- end without gunplay- but of course- his take is that I'm unreasonable and i can't let go in an artument and he is wonderful and i suck. pretty much- i'm distilling it.

every gripe he has about me- i can see and i say i do see it- and it's a valid gripe and i'll tryu. any comment i have about him- he lectures and agrues a bit about how it's not accurate - but we won't even go there. i just feel pretty like it's useless anymore. that being said- on way to airport he said two positive things- on purpose because one of the things i said to him is that not one thing out of his mouth EVER is positive. he feels compelled to share every singlt thing he finds wrong (and it's alot man) yet he cannot even bring himself to utter a neutral or positive word. (or so it feels). he even acknowledged that on a daily basis he knows there's alot of hard feelings bubbling below the surface.

well- thank you sooooo much. how sad that i even felt kind of grateful to just even know that one tiny bit he is AWARE of what the heck i'm "going thru" - here. that's me giving him a hell of alot of credit here also tho- im'not sure. BUT - it was a revelation that he is even aware i am a human being with feelings. (whether or not i'm entitled to be who i am and feel what i feeel- another matter. but hey, i'm not asking for the moon & stars here.

i'll write later- i've got to g0 see about my mother's car at repair place- mine is fixed, but it's darn cold out and her window won't go all the way u-p - always something isn't it??

anyway- for beter or worse- alone for next two weeks. woo hoo- what a festive season - alone- oh well. i'll just keep reminding myself at least no one is watching every move i make with an eye toward what's WRONG about it and me and so on. i'll be back later.

hope your day is okay- wow - 12 days and i sure feel your pain when you say it used to be such a happy time. i can still remember it too- even tho it was probably all my own delusion- oh well-

later scarlet.

xxoo ((( ))) keep decorating and trying to find the happiness in the teeny things- i'm working on that too. determined to make some wonderful and beautiful ornaments if it kills me. look t pinterest- wow- wonderful christmas ideas to die for... i'm soooo addicted to it-

[nero]

hi lois-

i was just poking around in posts in my place here- and saw your note back awhile ago - not sure when - you said:

I reach out to friends mostly via text to help with the loneliness and I'm trying to have people over more, especially in the evening and on weekends. Seems to help. Right now all men seem like Lucifer in disguise so I'm not looking for any comfort from one--but the need to connect with someone and feel nurtured, loved, understood is still there. Not sure how to duplicate that?

It got me wondering how you're doing now and what? is it any better? i findmyself on the very brink of wondring if I should be just taking the final step and getting right the heck out of my sitch. i've always til now thought it was letting go of the best part of my life- now i wonder if it was even real. i'm more detached- i'm lonely too - he goes away for 2-3 wks at a time to fl house- then comes up here but i feel he is unable to be his normal self with me now- he does not see it i think- but i do. he is less constrained & stiff with everyone else in the universe but me. undoubt4edly his guilt over ow - or his current "dislike" ofme? i don't know really- since we are not supposed to ask or talk bout r, or "go there"- and this man has never been forthcoming with info about what's going on inside him-

it seems hopeless and maybe impossible to make an INFORMED decision- i get thinking perhaps i should just do anything to do something- move some way- do SOMETHING rather than just sit around thinking how pointless it all feels.

anyway- have you achieved any "good place" in your midn or emotions? would be interested to hear how you're doing. well i hope-

[nero]

tsq

i was rereading some old posts- your comments about putting a "stone around someone's neck- making them responsible for our happiness, etc.)

I am still wondering about this and trying to "see" myself and this R with complete neutrality. i've come to the unhappy conclusion that it is entirely likely this man has lied and "cheated" one way or another - forever. In retrospect- it would explain many tiny oddities that i blew by. i cannot "judge" my complete trust that enabled him.

so- i'm curious about your "take" - if i swallowed hook, line & sinker his "story" about himself & who he is for 35 yrs. and, find out now it wasn't true - wouldn't this mean there is not, nor ever has been, really, a r at all?

I can have happy memories til the cows come home- BUT if they were alllllll based on un-true-ness - then, really what do we have here? nothing- rite???

i'm more detached than 3ver- but contemplating exactly what it is i could find here - or with h - if it all was lies anyway. seems mighty like "nothing"...

since db spiel about mlc is don't ask - don't tell- and this gyy has NEVER been talkative about feelings - i have no new info - merely re-inspecting past thru new eyes (would that we could un-know what we discover huh?)

don't know if that made sense - any input welcome -

[nero]

hey dawn-

whattya know? is h home for the 12 days yet-? is it going okay.

have you decorated? tree up? spirit okay?

i don't have much today- in a giant quandry about what the heck i am even doing here and still knowing this man.

when he's not here- i get lonely but i hate him too for making me so unhappy and turning out to be such a scam-artist for (well,??) forever??? - it's been a long long time and if it's all been a sham waaaay since before i even knew anything - what the heck am i doing not running right away??? . - nice huh?

this business of detaching- but then trying to figure out why you're not detaching to the point of totally throwing him out of my life - is a wierd one.

if i can detach and make myself not care (not completely there- still plugging away ) (tho, i do not see his face and feel the "pull" - sometimes i don't even want to look at his face when i know he's lied like forever) i feel less and less like i even know this man- and more and more like i imagined the entire nice guy.

he just used me to fill in a portion of his life while he worked. he fabricated that guy i loved - i guess- latched on to someone like me (homey - steady- loyal, etc.) to have a home til he retired and "got young" again.

if we can "detach" - then what is there to make us continue dbing and not just walk? i wonder. if i get to totally not care one darn bit what he's doing - if he's happy- etc., what exactly is it that i'm staying in his life for?

doi!!1

[TSquared2]

Hi Nero,

so- i'm curious about your "take" - if i swallowed hook, line & sinker his "story" about himself & who he is for 35 yrs. and, find out now it wasn't true - wouldn't this mean there is not, nor ever has been, really, a r at all?

I can have happy memories til the cows come home- BUT if they were alllllll based on un-true-ness - then, really what do we have here? nothing- rite???

Well, always remember that the mlc'er re-writes everything about the R, themselves, who they were, who they are, who YOU were, who you are is changed to "fit in" with their current version of reality. In my case, I have 3 kids who are the truth reminders for Mom (she wouldn't accept it (or anything for that matter) from me for quite a while...lol). My W believed her re-writing, completely...she forgot the past, as it really was. She is beginning to remember the reality (both good and bad). So, time will tell.

Did you have a good marriage, good times? - Yes, from what you have written.

Are your memories valid? - Yes

Is it all meaningless? - NO

Let me use a example from my own life outside of this whole mlc/marriage/relationship thingy...

Growing up, I spent summers at my grandparents cabin in the woods, on a lake...a perfect way and place for a boy to grow up. When I think of my childhood, THAT is what I immediately think of. All my growing was there, all my strongest, most cherished memories are there.

As time rolled on and my grandparents died, my Mom and her sister couldn't agree on things and the cabin property was sold. Gone. When I look now via satellite images from the google, there is a mc-mansion "cabin" there now, instead of the quaint, simple cabin built in the 60's...so it is REALLY gone...but because it is gone, does that invalidate what was? The memories, what I learned, the physical cabin, everything, was it meaningless? Or does the meaning remain as long as I keep it alive in my heart and mind, while accepting that it has passed? Is it nothing then? WAS IT nothing THEN because it isn't NOW?

I think it was something then, and still is now, though it isn't accessible to me anymore. Make sense?



T^2

[job]

Nero,
I agree w/T that mlcers do rewrite history in a way that is "helpful" to them to validate how they feel about the lbs. The question becomes is what what we are remembering live or memorex. I suspect for all of us it was "live" and we all had good marriages. Sure, we all had ups and downs and made mistakes, but life is about learning and learning from those mistakes. There's not one marriage out there that is perfect the first day right down to the last day of our lives. So, take what they say w/a grain of salt and reach back into our memory and know that you lived the same exact life and you know exactly what transpired. Had your marriage been horrible, I can bet he wouldn't have stayed as long as he has.

His feelings and good memories are stuffed down for now, but there will come a time when they will resurface, one at a time. Right now, he's in crisis and depression and that combination of emotions will rule his head, heart and soul for a while.

Turn you focus on to you and your family. Allow God to work on him for a while.

I'll check back in to see how you are doing a bit later.

Before Cadet or someone else pops over here, you need to start a new thread...you've exceeded the 100 postings.

[albamarie]

whattya know? is h home for the 12 days yet-? is it going okay.

have you decorated? tree up? spirit okay?

i don't have much today- in a giant quandry about what the heck i am even doing here and still knowing this man

Nero - First, I'm so sorry I haven't written and just fell short of writing on my own thread.

No, my H hasn't started his 12 days home night and day yet, but the work is very slow keeping him home a lot more. It is going okay, he still leaves for night work, but I count on nothing!

My spirit for the holiday's is kinda shot, I don't have room for all that thinking about dinners and cookies, presents and lighting in my brain filled with the reality that I'm not were I want to be.

I will try today, D18 says no way are we not getting a tree, and I know I will feel bad if I don't make some of the treats they count on every year.

The best advise I have gotten repeatedly is to do nothing. There are no quick, or guaranteed answers to any of this. I have found that doing nothing somehow moves me forward into a natural direction at a speed I can mentally handle.

You are like me, "no sudden moves please" it rocks us to our core! So try to take this time he's gone, don't think about what he's doing, try to have a trigger thought that you can replace "h" thoughts with, something pleasant.

It gets easier as you practice...don't assume, don't think about his return, enjoy his absence. I know your alone, but at least you won't be going bonkers, and still be alone.

Your going to get past this, you know what to do for yourself, these days your smarter than when you first started. Your H [censored], yes were going to blame everything on him, he deserves it, but don't rethink your own history.

He [censored] now, when you were happy, you were happy and don't tarnish those memories or try to second guess what "he was really thinking''. You don't deserve to do that to yourself. Your not the one in MLC!

I will be back later, h is home, S24 needs heat in the back porch he decided to make a b-rm, and my D18 has a friends from Vegas over to go iceskating at lake Michigan winter festival. Nothing for me, but to organize their fun. YEa!

You got some good things to read here, should keep you busy!

((((((((nero)))))))))))

[TSquared2]

You are near Lake MI? The MI sides(LP/UP) or ?. The cabin I wrote of is near there....just curious as you might know the life of which I spoke, DM....



T^2