Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

The weekend was ok…

I realize a lot of my posts document my W’s actions. I know I’m not supposed to fixate on these, and I try not to. But I feel like I’m in such a limbo-land that I have NO IDEA where W stands. These actions give me some sort of peek into what she’s feeling, even just at a moment…

Friday
Friday during dinner W was playing with her phone. I apparently unconsciously gave her a look. She said, “Why do you ALWAYS make that face? Your face is always disappointed or suspicious. Why don’t you choose another emotion. Try happy, loving, funny, sad, smiling, whatever. But stop making that face.” I guess my as-if attempts aren’t as good lately. I think part of that could be because we spend so much time together lately. It’s really difficult to not let my mind wander back to what’s going on.

Later when we stepped out for a smoke, W brought up ML the night before. She said, “Do you like it when I just show up demanding it?”
I said, “Yes, it’s one of my favorites.”
W, “Hmmm… when was the last time that happened?”
Me, “A long time ago.”
W, “Yeah…. I just wanted to feel loved.”

When we went to bed she didn’t touch me. She didn’t say “I love you.” Nothing.

Saturday
She seemed on edge. I tried not to let it bother me and spent a lot of time playing with S.
We spent the day together… not much going on. W and I hung out with S.
Again, when we went to bed she didn’t touch me. She didn’t say “I love you.” Nothing.

Sunday
She seemed to be in a better mood. She kissed me lightly on two separate occasions. She also gave me a giant hug on another occasion.
When we went to bed she said, “Good night. I love you. I’d snuggle you, but I’m in a warm spot of the bed.”
I responded with a laugh, “That’s a load of sh!t!”
W, “Why? You come snuggle me. I’m always the one that has to initiate the snuggles.”
I moved a little closer and she held me.
S woke in the night and W was getting very frustrated. He's been sleeping poorly lately. I used to get angry when she got real frustrated. Instead of getting angry with her, I empathized. When she got back into bed she held my hand.


I’m at a loss here and could really use some advice. Should I be initiate physical contact with her? I try playful touches, etc. occasionally around the house. Most of the time she’s unresponsive (before BD she would respond), so I figure they’re unwelcome. I haven’t initiated snuggling, ML, etc since BD. I don’t say “I love you” first. But last night she seemed open to me doing this. I guess I’m afraid that 1) I could do it at a time when it isn’t welcome and push her away. 2) It shows her that I’m still sitting here waiting for her. Thoughts?