Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

[TSquared2]

Hi FY,

Is she OM free? If yes, for how long?

I don't really know, for sure. If there is one around, I don't think it is much, maybe just occasional IM'ing or phone, because I KNOW from her expressions and behavior when she does usually. She has a lot of difficulty letting things go and being disciplined, sort of that she is addicted to the drama and attention, idk. Why can't she just have her secret chocolate stash or something for a pick me up fix? lol

Why don't you have your sitch timeline in your sig, like the rest of us diligent DB'ers? haha

Originally I omitted it for some privacy in case she figured out I was here and followed me, I didn't want to expose my secret Darth Vader plans and tactics... And I suppose the reason now is...she doesn't need to know all about my journey just yet.



T^2

[TSquared2]

Not much to report this week. W is ill, so just getting by the day-to-day stuff. On my front, since W has loosened up on the control reins of hers regarding helping about the house, I have been just doing more, meaning, I just do if I want, I don't ask first all the time. It feels good to be back to doing this, yet another step away from the eggshell walking....yay! Another step towards an integrated "me", being open, vulnerable and not afraid. And not a jerk alpha male wannabe...just an integrated, kind man.

I have been rather quiet, doing my own "withdrawal", of course it is getting to be my 3 month self check-in time, so makes sense...Lots of thoughts.

I am tired of looking behind, I think I have put the puzzle together enough for now, and have started to look forward, reading more in the Piecing area, while pondering single-ness as well...trying to create those pictures and see what I think and feel about them....no conclusions. None needed atm...

The cold weather has challenged my bicycling to work. However, so far, aside from TG week, I have found my nordic blood still has some viking in it and I get it done.

Guess that's all for now.

T^2

[job]

T,
It's nice to see that things are moving along, even though they appear to be slow. You don't want to rush the process, just let her back up completely in her own time.

Yes, my friend, it is now time to start looking forward. You have a new year, new goals and spring is not really that far around the corner.

You've come a long way...

[TSquared2]

Thank you Snodderly, that means a lot coming from you! I do appreciate it!

[reachingHigher]

I like this, T^2:

just an integrated, kind man

I went back to your first threads, which I have before, and read them, looking for the part about the drinking, which I had forgotten. It took a real decision on your part, deciding what was most valuable in your life. And look how you have grown! And grown!

Bonus was ... coming across suggestion for Heart B Int'l. I didn't know such a thing existed and the booklist is awesome. They list "Dance of Anger" which I have and is good.

I'm expecting a good day today (lunch with H, he takes boys to Wildlife Refuge, light show with family this evening) and I appreciate the advice about H bonding with the boys; it was my gut feeling, too, and they all need that.

I have to keep reminding myself we are getting D. H doesn't wanna be M to me any more. It still seems surreal to me, especially since he still wants me and the boys in his life ... just at arm's length.

I'll get through this somehow. Maybe I need to get outside and prepare the garden & greenhouse for winter. I haven't felt like it, at all, but it can be so healing. It doesn't get really cold here till next month.

Thanks for your support, T^2. I always look forward very much to your perspective.

[TSquared2]

Thank you rH! Sounds like you had a good weekend in spite of the looming D.

Nero had a question on her thread that I answered and want to bring to my thread, regarding if the old R was nothing. I remember having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that the old R was "dead" for some of the same reasons she did, and looks like I got a chance to clarify that in my own thoughts by answering her.

Hi Nero,

Quote:
so- i'm curious about your "take" - if i swallowed hook, line & sinker his "story" about himself & who he is for 35 yrs. and, find out now it wasn't true - wouldn't this mean there is not, nor ever has been, really, a r at all?

I can have happy memories til the cows come home- BUT if they were alllllll based on un-true-ness - then, really what do we have here? nothing- rite???
Un-quote.

Well, always remember that the mlc'er re-writes everything about the R, themselves, who they were, who they are, who YOU were, who you are is changed to "fit in" with their current version of reality. In my case, I have 3 kids who are the truth reminders for Mom (she wouldn't accept it (or anything for that matter) from me for quite a while...lol). My W believed her re-writing, completely...she forgot the past, as it really was. She is beginning to remember the reality (both good and bad). So, time will tell.

Did you have a good marriage, good times? - Yes, from what you have written.

Are your memories valid? - Yes

Is it all meaningless? - NO

Let me use a example from my own life outside of this whole mlc/marriage/relationship thingy...

Growing up, I spent summers at my grandparents cabin in the woods, on a lake...a perfect way and place for a boy to grow up. When I think of my childhood, THAT is what I immediately think of. All my growing was there, all my strongest, most cherished memories are there.

As time rolled on and my grandparents died, my Mom and her sister couldn't agree on things and the cabin property was sold. Gone. When I look now via satellite images from the google, there is a mc-mansion "cabin" there now, instead of the quaint, simple cabin built in the 60's...so it is REALLY gone...but because it is gone, does that invalidate what was? The memories, what I learned, the physical cabin, everything, was it meaningless? Or does the meaning remain as long as I keep it alive in my heart and mind, while accepting that it has passed? Is it nothing then? WAS IT nothing THEN because it isn't NOW?

I think it was something then, and still is now, though it isn't accessible to me anymore. Make sense?

smile

Yup, the answers do eventually come, clarity will prevail sooner or later. I am glad I had the opportunity to think that through and find some peace.

[reachingHigher]

Very helpful, T^2, very helpful. Thank you for sharing this

rH

[BeingMe]

T^2, I got a lot of insight of my own life from what you posted. I look back at my own pretty happy childhood, and know there is no going back to that city, to that country, to those moments, but it's all inside my head.

[ForeverYoung]

Great cabin story T. Yes, it does make sense, thank you for posting it.

[TSquared2]

New thread is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2306709&#Post2306709