Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Accuray]

You are doing the right thing by not contacting him. Remember Sweetbriar, he wanted space, he is ashamed of what he has done and fears the emotions that come with you.

In order for it to be safe for him to approach you again, he needs to believe you no longer need him to. Think back to when you were dating, he got along without your affirmation before you met, and I'm sure you didn't immediately lavish him with affirmation, he first had to prove himself worthy to you in some way.

*You are already seeing progress* How many times over the last week have you remarked that H has sent you nice texts? He's not spewing angry, nasty texts anymore, is he? By not jumping all of them and escalating the situation you are training him that it is "safe" to send those to you.

I've used this analogy before, the WAS often sees the LBS like a giant pent-up dam of emotions. They are afraid that if they let any water come over the dam at all, the whole thing will release and carry them away, so they try to stay far away, put up a wall, and don't give you any means of making a real connection.

After a while, if they see the dam is holding, they might *start* to reach out to you to see how it feels. How you respond to these trials is key. If you can take a laid back approach to them and act as if they don't matter that much, you make it safe for them to do it again.

If you now start sending him unsolicited texts and telling him how much you love him and how much you miss him, or that he's wonderful, etc. etc., he's going to see water starting to come over the top of the dam and he will either probably send you another nasty-gram or tell your daughters again that there's no way he's coming home as a means to have you hear it again.

You are doing exactly the right thing, and you are seeing progress because of it.

*However* he needs to complete his journey. There is not a shortcut here even if you DB perfectly. As long as he has OW in his life, he has a support structure that will limit how much introspection he has to do. Remember that his relationship with OW is based on fantasy, and now that it's out in the open and time is marching on, you can probably visualize a lit fuse that eventually is going to explode for one or both of them.

Getting his own place will *not* make his life easier. On the contrary, it will make it harder. Why? When he lives with his parents, there are people around. Even if he doesn't interact with them that much, there is background noise and human energy present. When he lives by himself, it's going to be quiet and lonely. Secondly, the impact of working 2 jobs hasn't hit him yet. When he's paying for his own place, that second income is going to become critical and the pressure is going to mount. He is headed for more pain, not less. Let him live it. The only way out of this for him is through it, and it is not your job to reassure him or to save him.

Do not contact him. When he contacts you, continue to be brief and pleasant in response, just like you have been doing.

Accuray