whattya know? is h home for the 12 days yet-? is it going okay.
have you decorated? tree up? spirit okay?
i don't have much today- in a giant quandry about what the heck i am even doing here and still knowing this man.
when he's not here- i get lonely but i hate him too for making me so unhappy and turning out to be such a scam-artist for (well,??) forever??? - it's been a long long time and if it's all been a sham waaaay since before i even knew anything - what the heck am i doing not running right away??? . - nice huh?
this business of detaching- but then trying to figure out why you're not detaching to the point of totally throwing him out of my life - is a wierd one.
if i can detach and make myself not care (not completely there- still plugging away ) (tho, i do not see his face and feel the "pull" - sometimes i don't even want to look at his face when i know he's lied like forever) i feel less and less like i even know this man- and more and more like i imagined the entire nice guy.
he just used me to fill in a portion of his life while he worked. he fabricated that guy i loved - i guess- latched on to someone like me (homey - steady- loyal, etc.) to have a home til he retired and "got young" again.
if we can "detach" - then what is there to make us continue dbing and not just walk? i wonder. if i get to totally not care one darn bit what he's doing - if he's happy- etc., what exactly is it that i'm staying in his life for?
