so, we don't "quit" before the miracle -? I wonder what the "miracle" will be for either of us?
i feel like you that i cannot imagine what it is i want or expect or would like to happen. (i do know i don't like THIS either). if it stays this way- disconnected - i can't imagine the remainder of my life like this. seems kinda pitiful to squander one's caring on someone that does not appreciate it and does not understand what a "gift" it is.
this morning i think perhaps this man has never been the man i THOUGHT he was. who he TOLD ME he was - his values, the inner man. perhaps it's been lies for 35 years - perhaps my being happy was a product of my own personality & outlook - (and being delusional/foolishly trusting for allllll those years.) it's sad- it might be reality. very probably is.
now- if i view him like that - i wonder why i subject myself to this. the prospect of aloneness (totally) is very unappealing. (living allll alone- coming home to an empty house is not my fav.)
i've never been alone in my entire life really- big family - sister/sidekick a year younger- ex-husband thru school - h since i was 24 yrs old or so- i'm going to be 62 in feb -
yikes! as i say it- i think of allllll those years "attached" and wonder what the heck to think of myself all by myself. I am always busy- and i don't sit around crying - but i'm not feeling like my old "happy" self. i guess like everything &everyone else in life- it is what it is - BUT - WHAT THE heck is it????? wtf do i do with this information?
fa la la la la - la la la la
I am calm but on dangerous ground this morning. ever feel like this??? in middle of night a few days ago- watching public tv fund raiser-self-help dr. -
he was talking about personal happiness/mental health/brain "health" - and said he tells himself "i'm okay right now - and that is all anyone has - now" and this is how he destresses himself and stops worrying about future - or stewing about past -
