Woke up Sunday and she didn't talk much to anyone before church and seemed pretty tired and a little detached. Church was a great message with the main theme being 'why does God allow suffering and hurt?'. Throughout the entire service trigger words/ phrases were being said and I felt a strong push to discuss something with W after service. My DB hat was saying not to discuss anything R, especially after last nights recent talk, but the push was strong. You religious people might understand if you've felt it, if not religious you may think I'm just crazy and sorry to you for all the upcoming 'church' talk
When we got to lobby I asked her if we could talk a second before getting kids. I said I'd likely do most the talking but felt strongly I should tell her this now. Told her I've been asking God that same question about hurt in a lot of prayers since she filed. Said I just didn't understand how this could happen after we became strong Christian believers. I told her that early on in one of our first fights she said she felt strongly that God gave her the strength to file for divorce so she could be happy in her life. I said I wondered if she had even thought about that comment since that fight. I told her that when she originally said it I honestly thought she had lost her mind but for whatever reason the comment has stuck in my brain and I always ask about it in prayer. I said about a month ago I felt clarity on the subject and wanted to share with her what I now feel and apologized in advance if I was totally off base. I told her now I feel that God did give her the strength to file to end the old marriage but I didn't know if he means for D. Told her that she now knows she is strong enough to end things that are bad and not feel controlled. She now has strength to be her own person with or without me and it must feel liberating. I also told her I feel her strength when we now talk because she isn't passive like she once was and is more outgoing with how she is feeling. I told her that I understand how unhappy she was in marriage and I now realize just how unhappy I was also and that my love tank was completely empty. I admitted that I would have never had the strength to file and would have kept being miserable for the good of the kids because she is such a good mom. I told her that her strength to file has forced me to change and reevaluate my life and I feel like that was part of God's plan also. By doing that he broke me at the core and humbled me. Rather than going down the path many guys do after divorce I turned to God and have went all in (finally). Now he's building me back up into a better person. Gone is the narcissist that I was and I'm becoming the man I should have been all along.
She looked at me with complete shock in her face and I thought I was about to be ripped a new one. Instead she said her friends just don't understand why the divorce and need for change. She said a prayer her group says every week is about having strength to do things that are in your control and let God handle the rest and in the end you will be reasonably happy. She talked for a couple minutes on the subject of feeling strong and better. She discussed some of what her group talks about which was a shock because her group has been a NO TALK subject in her life and any question regarding it would start a fight. For her to talk about it and discuss the prayer absolutely shocked me. She said the problem though is she understands God can change people but just doesn't know if they'll last. I said nothing I will say will convince her, only my actions and attitude will and she agreed with that.
When we got in car she said one of the other things in service that spoke to her was that maybe the question isn't why is there bad in the world but rather how can there still be good with so much bad. It made her want to start doing work to increase visibility of her disorder because she wants to be the 'good' for others. I encouraged that and told her I'd help if she wanted. She said she'd like to get a half marathon set up for awareness and I gave some suggestions and told her I could get a list of races for her and she seemed happy.
The rest of the day was a world of difference. She was talkative, happy, and I didn't feel the weight I've felt for last couple months. After kids went to bed I got a list of races being held locally in the spring but before I could bring it up she had her recovery group book sitting out on the table opened. She said she left it for me so I could read the prayer she mentioned earlier. I was in complete dismay. I asked if I could write it down to keep and she seemed happy about it. We then went to the computer to finish the Christmas shopping and it felt like old times. After we were done I showed her the list of races and we discussed how to set things up and I said I'd help if she wanted but didn't want to step on her toes if she wanted to do it on her own. She said she would love for me to do as much as possible since I'm usually good at this stuff.
Since I've been down this road a few times I'm keeping my expectations in check this time. I feel good about yesterday's talk but I know things change on a dime, sometimes for no known reason to me, so I'll take it day by day.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
