Well we went out Saturday night to get the shopping done but their was still tension in the system from the fight in the morning. On the drive to the first store the one thing I didn't want to happen happened, she brought up the morning fight and asked me why I have any interest in the marriage anymore. Not sure if she just wanted to start a fight and end the evening early or wanted to talk more, which isn't like her, but I wouldn't get into another fight and remained calm the entire conversation. I responded that I have no interest in the old marriage but I believe people can change and it happens all the time. She said she didn't believe people can change when they aren't compatible and I said I didn't agree. Told her changing is a choice a person makes and most people choose not to because it's easier to blame others then to work on themselves. She asked why I thought we would be willing to change now if we never did in the past (felt like the 'we' was really 'you') and I was silent for a couple seconds. She said I had no answer for that. I told her I honestly didn't think she'd ever leave and deep down, as I've told her before, I always blamed her for the issues which is no longer the case. I told her now I fully see my part in the marriage breakdown and it makes me sick to see who I had become. She said she has seen changes in me but doesn't think they'll last. Said she feels I'm just reacting to save the marriage because I've lost control and I'm trying to rationalize everything. I agreed that I had lost control but I didn't feel as if that's a bad thing. Told her I didn't fully understand the rationalize everything comment but I felt her filing did trigger something in me and I was sorry it took filing for it to happen.
I told her I felt many of our issues stem from our different communication styles. Said I felt rather then communicating effectively and understanding each others point of view we projected what the other's motives were and as things got bad over the years the projected motives got worse. I said we've likely each created the other person to be a monster over the years which just isn't true. Since we were on communication topic I asked her if she'd clarify one of her comments from the morning and she said yes. I asked her what she meant when she said I haven't changed because I still ask questions. This one bugged me because I've made a real effort to not ask anything about when she goes out, who she went with, etc... She said when we talk on phone when she's at work I ask her about workload (how many cases, what they are, if she gets any free time, etc...) and she hates it. She said she feels like I'm checking up on her to get a minute by minute account. I told her that's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I said I've been trying to take an interest in her work so I've started asking about her cases. I also said that a part of me still worries about her doing too much with her disease even though it's been better as of late so I feel better when she has slower nights. She said she felt like I was accusing her of doing things during her free time. I didn't say anything to that but she either has a lot of guilt or some extreme control issues because I just don't understand what would make her think that but I now won't be asking as many questions. I said it's always bothered me that she never asked about my job or how my day was and it made me feel like she just didn't care. We ended the conversation with me asking her if something like that bothers her to try and let me know when it happens and I'll stop doing it and explain what I was doing/ thinking. She said she'd try.
That was pretty much the end of any R talks for the evening. I'm not sure how it read but I felt like some progress was made because we both talked, I tried to understand what she was saying, and it stayed calm the entire talk. She also acknowledged seeing changes which I thought was a good thing. The talk probably lasted about 15 minutes and I've left out some smaller things. I was happy I never sounded needy and felt very confident in what I was saying and felt like it came out objectively and not in a blaming tone at all. We ended up shopping for about 3 hours and then went out for dinner. Had a lot of small talk at dinner, some laughs, and I kept bringing the conversation back to her so she talked more. I don't know if she noticed but for me the silent moments between conversations was a little uncomfortable. I haven't felt that way with my W ever but likely because it was a pretty stressful day and I just wanted to get though it without anything bad happening.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
