Staying off the Ride - Going Commando :-)

[Tumbling]

Thank you so much for ALL your encouragement.
It's still incredibly sad and Tori, you're right it's a really tough road but my friends are all being great.

I guess I have realised that "relationships are like glass - sometimes it is better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together" and not only was the relationship in pieces but I was shattered my Self.

This was really brought home to me when I caught up with a g/friend Sat night who had stopped taking my calls in March 2010. It was lovely to see her again. I didn't want to know why we had fallen out but she told me that she couldn't handle not being able to help me and that she couldn't stand seeing me hurt my Self over and over again.

UPDATE

So this past weekend I have done some great clensing.
I sorted through the DVDs and books and put his all together in one place so that it is easy for him to pick them up - not sure when but it will happen.

I also decided that I needed to claim the main bedroom.
So I moved all his remaining clothes that were in drawers into a wardrobe in the spare room behind one door that I do not need to open again. I also made a charity pile of clothes including my wedding night negligee and my wedding shoes.

Then I moved my belongings to his side of the bed (I always wanted that side anyways but he wouldn't let me try out that side even once) and put things in the room that he wouldn't have liked like my lava lamp that I had when we met! Saturday was thus renamed - Lava Lamp Liberation Day!

Yesterday - Sunday - I knew I had to formally tell him that I wanted a divorce. It was a difficult morning - lots of tears (I could never catch the thought that was making the tears fall tho) - and I let them come, I am finding feeling my feelings is for the best. I hope that releasing the pain when it comes will help me heal.

I cleaned the house and then showered. Then calmly sat down and wrote a clear, unemotional email to H. I contemplated drafting it here but decided that I wanted to do it my way.I told him that it was time to close this chapter and that according to the government divorce website, it should be straightforward. That I wanted to get this moving and hoped we could do it amicably. I asked that he acknowledged my email.

I was calm until I pressed the send button and then I cried some but I guess that's how it goes.

He replied 90mins later
"Receipt acknowledged. I know it doesn't mean much but I will always love you."

That broke me in two because that's all any of us wants - but he doesn't love me the way I need to be loved.

Anyway, today I have the day off - i was meant to be at that interview but I withdrew my application last week - i have other things on my mind to deal with than a move 180miles away for a job that may not be as great as my current one. I have taken some legal advice and I have started looking at the finances.

It's all baby steps for me right now but they are baby steps into a future that I choose and that will be full of big smiles and NO MORE PAIN.

So still going commando and it feels good!

PS The potential EA has blossomed and I feel truly cared for. He understands my need to take things real slow and that I want to sort out my life before we start anything. He's really lovely. For the first time in maybe 6 years I feel safe. I guess sometimes we need to take another's hand to give us strength when we can not do it alone.