Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

I felt I need to write here this morning even though nothing new in sitch. I have this huge desire to contact H and I know it will get me nowhere. I have not made any first moves toward contact since Oct and that is big for me! I know in the grand scheme of things this is nothing, but its big for me. Then, after awhile, I get these urges to just let him know I am thinking about him.

How are you ever supposed to speak their LL when you dont see or talk to them? H is very depressed and needs to hear words of affirmation regularly. I want to let him know Im thinking of him but of course, wont do it because I dont want to pursue. This is so hard!! I thought If I came here and heard words of encourgement it might help!

I keep fantasizing that he will come home...or that he will call and want to talk or text and want to talk...but it just doesn't happen. He continues to seek out the kids, which is good, but they wont go with him on weekends at all. I think that is why the tears start from him when they do go with him...becuase he can live in a fantasy world all week and then once a week sees his kids and maybe reality sets in that he doesn't even know they now? I will never know how a WAS can just up and leave and not think the life they led was good. Can he just not see what he has done or does he know and not want to face it?

News of his new job and his desire to move out on his own only solidifies that he is still running away from everything and needs to be on his own. I just cannot help but feel that once he gets his new place that he will be gone forever. He will never move home again:(

I have been dreaming about him and thinking about him way more this past week than I have in a month. Is this normal? Some weeks I dont care what he is doing at all and just go on with my life but this week has thrown me for a loop!

I will not contact him...I will not contact him...I will not contact him....

I spent a lot of time this weekend with my girls...hanging out, movies, making cookies (although they didnt help much with those!) and usually these things feel so great...this weekend I just felt a huge part of me was missing...and I want him back:( I think the texts he sent have put me into this mindset...I just cannot seem to handle even nice texts from him because I want to read into them and believe that he really does think of me and care...

Uggg...Im just so sad today...