Separation at 17.5 months

[adinva]

I lured S14 out of his friend's house with bacon and drove him home to get ready for school. On the way I told him I cry a lot sometimes, that's nothing new, just something I do and we can talk through it I don't mind.

I thanked him for texting me bc that seemed like a good way for us to talk about stuff.

He asked again what happened and I told him I just didn't have all the answers and I was feeling pretty angry and sad. Angry at dad, angry at the situation, and angry at myself, and some things I might think are the answers might be my feelings talking instead. Over time I told him I hoped we'd all understand more.

I told him dad's been really unhappy, you could see that. Sleeping in bed all day isn't normal, yelling a lot isn't normal. I don't even know if s14 remembers the fun nice dad he used to be, and maybe if he gets some space he can get that back. It's just that staying together and being angry and yelling all the time wasn't the right thing to do.

S12 told me he would fall asleep in school and so I'm letting him stay home and sleep. S14 has orthodontics at lunchtime so I'm making him go to school until then.

H rode his bike in to work at o'dark hundred this morning so I haven't seen much of him.

This is definitely like the bomb all over again but worse because it's happening to my kiddos.

I'm going to try to get in to see IC today to see if I can get my head back on straight.

I'm totally off A/Ds since a few days ago and I've lost three pounds this week. Lots more to go but that much is encouraging.