He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Oh my gosh 25. Thank you for spending so much time here with me. Such valuable input. Let me try to respond to all of that.

First of all, I'm physically exhausted. It's 9:15 and I am in bed. We had a huge weekend. S9's birthday party was today. It was an easy one (we went to the Clippers game, 10 kids) but this is the third week in a row when we've entertained. All the grandparents came over after the party and we opened presents and had homemade pie. Then after everyone left I spent an hour folding laundry while H watched me (as per usual).

H did say that my dinner and pie were good and that the birthday party was fun, but what I really want from him is his acknowledgement and appreciation of how hard I have worked. I've not gotten as much of that as I've needed in this M.

Now on to the questions.

Is this new behavior of his? IOW, did he used to listen to you a lot better?

Do you HONESTLY believe (not "hope," but actually believe) that he's going to be a lot better at hearing you ...ever...or anytime soon? I know you hope for that, but do you THINK it's likely?

In the beginning of our R I felt like he understood me. We didn't really have any issues then of course. I would never say he was a great listener, but I didn't notice it being a problem until a few years ago.

I really don't believe he's going to get better at hearing me without a lot of work - work that I don't see him doing. So no, it's not likely. None of this is, quite frankly.

Funny, but when I saw my psychic over the summer (don't make fun), he told me that this M was pretty much over and my next R would be with someone who "really listened to me."

Does that mean he'll repeat the threat (of D) whenever he's in a fight b/c he thinks it's fine OR does it mean that he won't do it anymore but nor will he ever apologize for it in the past?

I think it probably means the latter - he may not threaten D anymore, but I highly doubt (at least at this point) that he will ever apologize for it even though I've brought it up many times as one of the reasons I was mentally checked out.

Furthermore - H finds other ways to be passive aggressive. For instance, today the kids were wearing soccer jerseys which I didn't think was a good choice for a basketball game. I asked H to change them. H said it would be fine "if I hadn't ruined the jerseys by putting them in the dryer." (S6's is falling apart but it has been washed and dried once a week for 3 years probably). I told him not to bring that up anymore.

I would tell the mc that you feel exactly THAT^^^^way (not heard)...at least they'll know why you want to go elsewhere. YOU need to be heard.

I did tell H this very plainly during our last discussion. H said that I should schedule an individual appt with MC. I think MC should make individual appts with all of his couples clients and the fact that he doesn't makes him a crappy MC. I'll probably do that just so I know that MC knows where I am coming from.

Re: Collaborative divorce...

All I'm saying is that his argument is for HIS BENEFIT or maybe it's a stalling tactic b/c he's not ready to forgive but he thinks he has leverage.

Maybe "collaborative D" is not really what I mean - I think a better term would be "cooperative (or amicable) D" - a non "war of the roses" D in other words. Sure, that would be much easier for him, wouldn't it, because guess who has the advantage???

We've been married over 10 years, plus I have proof that he lied on a loan application (he stated he owned 100% of both of our properties and also that we were separated). He doesn't know that I know that, but I think he's honestly worried that I am going to really screw him if we get D. At this point I have no motivation not to.

I love your suggestions and I think they are really good ones. I agree that putting the past behind us is the ONLY way to move forward. However, I can't see that happening. I just can't. H lives in the past. He does not live in the present.

I believe it's going to be easier to make him think that I might leave when I really believe that I might. I have been thinking about leaving for 3 1/2 years, starting with OM1. I always feel like I should go back and read that book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" because I feel like that a lot. I think that if it were not for our boys, I would have left a while ago, and he may have thought that too (that he would have left). Anyway, I think that's the goal of detachment... to get to the place where you know you're going to be ok no matter what, and all of a sudden it doesn't matter what the other person is doing.

At this point, I could not just pick up and walk out. I don't have a job for one thing, I can't immediately support myself. I believe this is one of the things holding me back. If I can get myself in a better financial position with a stable source of income, I think I'd be having a much easier time at this. I do, however, have very good credentials so finding a job should be no problem.

If there continues to be no progress as far as I can tell, I know I will have to D. Setting a timeline is a good idea, because that way it can't go on and on. But then I worry about that. What if I say that things have to be better in 6 months or I'm out, and things are a little better but not all the way better?

Bottom line is, I have to and will stand up for my rights to be heard, to be respected in this M. There will come a point when I get fed up with his process. My IC thinks that he's stalling (maybe unconsciously) so that I will be the one to get the D - the "bad person" once again!!